Phil: [aside to camera] It was simplicity itself. A year ago, Claire accused me for the millionth time that I couldn't scare her, so I came up with a plan. I'd just sold a house to a European couple that weren't gonna take possession for a while, so, uh, last fall, "Ida Mae" moved in. Fortunately, the house was right on Claire's jogging route, so it was easy to introduce Claire to Ida Mae, and when I wanted to amp it up, I had Ida Mae make contact. Then, this morning... I knew that ax wouldn't scare Claire. I just did that so she'd accuse me of not being able to scare her.
[flashback:]
Claire: It's all about plausability.
[back:]
Phil: Damn right, it is. Over the past year, Ida Mae joined the neighborhood association, hung up a poster for her lost dog, signed up for Meals on Wheels. They're not bad, by the way. Also, she got a lot of knitting done.

Cameron: I'm trying to get Wi-Fi so I can watch the pumpkin weigh-in at the Halloween festival back home. You know, 25 years ago, I raised the largest Wichita Thumper, and the record still stands. I am so sorry. There's no way to say that that doesn't sound braggy.
Gloria: No, no, you just did fine.
Cameron: You know, as with every pumpkin, there's a story. It was a cold, bitter night, when tap-tap-tap on the window. Darn if it wasn't the vine of my pumpkin, just out there trembling away.
Gloria: That is a great story.
Cameron: Next thing I know, Daddy's pulling the pumpkin through the window, careful, of course, not to break the vine. And for months, it just became a part of our household. People stepping over it to get into the kitchen, blocked half the TV. We thought "The Brady Bunch" was just about three lovely girls. [chuckles] Oh, but nobody complained. Sure, I won Grand Champion, you know, and the right to name the next tornado. But the thing I remember most are the sacrifices [voice breaking] my family made for just me. That's how we do family where I'm from.
Gloria: [inhales sharply] That's how we do family where I am from!

Claire: [screams]
Phil: Oh, I'm sorry, Claire. Did I scare you?
Claire: [gasps] You did this?
Phil: Yep.
Claire: How long have you planned this...
Phil: 11 months, two weeks, and three days ago, I gave birth to Ida Mae Mann. Because I da main man.
Claire: Oh, don't you dare do word play, Phil.

Manny: Spidey... 11:00.
Jay: Spider-Man! Hold up!
Boy: I'm not Spider-Man, okay? I'm Deadpool. It's a totally different character.
Manny: Look, before I realized it was a symbol of this man's mortality, I accidentally gave you some candy bar...
Jay: Not "some" candy bar, a Fudgy Duddy. Look, you kids should know about this. There was a famous commercial back in the '70s, first time on TV a girl touched a baseball.

Gloria: Is it cold in here, or is it just me because I am the frozen lady from "Frozen"?

Jay: Yeah, ouch. You do this every time. You go as a princess. I have to go as some freak. You're beauty, I'm the beast. You're Beyonce? I'm that guy.

Claire: [on the phone] How's your open house?
Phil: Pretty empty, actually. I kind of just took it out on a Harry Potter. Seriously, though, a Gryffindor letting his mom carry his Quidditch broom? How Hufflepuff is that?

Claire: [on the phone] You can't just show up with a backwards baseball cap and call yourself Snoop Dogg, like you did last year.
Jay: I didn't even know who that guy was. Haley turned my hat around and told me to say it. I thought he was a dog detective.

Claire: It's not like we're taking you trick-or-treating. There are grown-up ways to enjoy Halloween.
Phil: How about pumpkin-boat racing? Cam used to do it in Missouri. Take a giant pumpkin, cut the top off, gut it, hop in, sail away. Let's do it. I'm so married to this idea, it rolls its eyes when I make jokes in public. [high fives Luke]

Claire: I'm not done, so not done. Look, here's the thing. We-We have fireworks at Christmas now because that's what they do in Colombia. I don't mind. Thanksgiving- That used to be me roasting a turkey until the gays took it over with whatever new turkey cooking craze it is that you saw on the Food Network, and I'm fine with that too. All I ask all I ask is that you leave me Halloween. Yeah, Halloween. I realize it is a crazy-ass holiday for a grown woman to care about this much but it is my crazy-ass holiday. Mine.
Cameron: That's a lot of complaining from somebody who asked for thirds of our tandoori turkey last year.