Claire: Who are you supposed to be?
Mitchell: Ah, I'm Pr... I'm Prince Harry.
Claire: Oh, does that mean Cam is...
Lily: Hear ye, hear ye, presenting the Duchess of Sussex, Meghan...
Cameron: No, no, no, no, no. That was for Pepper's party. We're not doing that anymore. Go console your cousins.

Phil: I don't care what anyone says. You did not give that man a heart attack.
Claire: Thank you.
Phil: I mean, you're not even scary. Can I grab a little bit of this candy for my open house tonight?
Claire: Uh, yeah, sure, but-
Phil: It's genius. An open house on Halloween. Millions of bored parents just trying to keep their kids out of traffic.
Now they can get away from all that, and see a nice house.
Claire: What do you mean, I'm not even scary?
Phil: I literally almost scared the life out of a man. You literally scared a little saliva and a little urine out of him. That happens to me every time I see a monkey wearing people clothes.

Claire: Honey, I don't think that fits.
Phil: It fits in Awesomeland. It's a magic hat. I'm gonna have this bunny jumping out of it.
Claire: You gonna put some blood on it, maybe dangle an eyeball?
Phil: Who hurt you? I'm kidding. I know it's Jay and Dede.

Alex: Damn it! I cut my finger!
Haley: Ha, ha, happy Halloween.
Alex: No, really. I cut myself. Look!
Luke: That looks great. What'd you use to make the blood?
Alex: A knife. I'm actually hurt.
Claire: Great production value, sweetheart. I'm impressed.

Manny: Huh? You get who this is, right?
Jay: Harriet Tub Man? Oh, Joyce Carol Floats. Farrah Faucet, spelled F-A-U...
Manny: Yeah, I get it. And why are you only guessing women? I'm Dalton Trumbo, blacklisted screenwriter, wrote in a bathtub. I'm a little worried that because of the movie, a lot of people will have this costume.
Jay: I think you're good. Nobody going to Luke's party will ever be able to figure out that costume.

Luke: Don't waste this gold on me. Get over to the Hendersons' party, put your keys in a bowl, do the Hustle.

Gloria: Ay, dios mio. What is this?
Jay: What's up, princess? I'm Prince Charming.
Gloria: I can see that.
Jay: I got Joe a donkey costume, and I got Stella cat ears. I just hope she doesn't chase herself.
Gloria: Ah, I get it, because she's a dog.
Jay: I also found out that princess Fiona is supposed to wear a tiara, so here you go. They had a whole bucket full of 'em.

Claire: Come on. It's gonna be fun. The kids are gonna be deranged mental patients, and -- and I am going to be a sadistic nurse, and you are a demented doctor.
Phil: Twenty years of "no", but for this you'll dress like a nurse?!
Haley: Um, no.
Luke: Come on.
Alex: Of course the woman is the nurse and the man is the doctor.

Lily: I gave it to you, Daddy! I knew your costume was all wrong!
Cameron: O-okay, hey, don't panic. There's plenty of time before the parade. Is there another character in "where's Waldo?"
Lily: Wizard Whitebeard.
Cameron: Okay! Well, that'll be fun! I haven't gone out with a white beard since I took my cousin Sally to the prom. All right, I'll be back as soon as I can. Lily, explain Daddy's joke.