Lily: How much candy do we have to hand out before I go trick-or-treating? Can't I just take a knife and go by myself?
Mitchell: No!
Lily: No one would mess with me. [clicks fingers]
Mitchell: I told you she was too young for "West Side Story."

Cameron: You know what, Mitchell? That same little jerk grabs a handful of candy every year. He's my Halloween nemesis. There is a social contract. You say "trick or treat," you get one piece of candy. That breaks down, we're just a hop, skip, and a jump to a lawless wasteland where we use beads and teeth for money!

Claire: It's not like we're taking you trick-or-treating. There are grown-up ways to enjoy Halloween.
Phil: How about pumpkin-boat racing? Cam used to do it in Missouri. Take a giant pumpkin, cut the top off, gut it, hop in, sail away. Let's do it. I'm so married to this idea, it rolls its eyes when I make jokes in public. [high fives Luke]

Phil: There's no sense in hiding it. I did buy a giant pumpkin.
Claire: I puzzled that one out.
Phil: You're right. I'm a Halloween-obsessed child-man.
Claire: Do you want to feel better? I took zombies to work, okay? And it died so hard. Oh, my God, to be pitied by Margaret.
Phil: I guess the kids are right. [sighs] It's time for us to start acting like adults. We can have dinner parties, see plays, open IRAs.
Claire: We have IRAs, right?
Phil: Rude awakening, Claire. You think you're the fun-loving dad, putting smiles on faces, keeping childhood alive. Turns out you're just the weird guy barreling down a driveway in a pumpkin-tank.

Claire: Aw, that is cute. You tried to scare me for Halloween.
Phil: How in the world did that not frighten you? Some of this is my actual blood. I nicked myself putting it on!
Claire: Sweetie, you don't know the first thing about scaring people. It's all about plausibility. And you were awfully casual for a guy who just got an ax in the chest. You know, if you really wanted to scare me, you should've waited until I opened the closet and found you hanging by a necktie.
Phil: Excuse me! I killed myself?!
Claire: Yeah. Totally plausible. I mean, you've been so happy all these years, the other shoe is bound to drop, right? By the way, I am not married to the whole necktie thing. It could be, um... shotgun or poison or a power drill to the eye...
Phil: Stop. Stop! Now you're scaring me.
Claire: That's how you do it. Bam!

Luke: Hey, happy Halloween!
Phil: It was until your mother ruined it.
Claire: Oh, he's just mad because he tried to scare me and he couldn't. I'm tough to scare.
Luke: My girlfriend's pregnant.
Phil: No!
Claire: Phil. She's our age. If she was pregnant, it'd be on the news. But good one.

Cameron: Mitchell. Judge... Judy.
Mitchell: Your talent, it's like you were touched by a gay-ngel.
Cameron: And you said we would never wear the groomsmen shoes from Pepper's wedding again.

Phil: [aside to camera] Claire's busy with work this year, so I'm taking over the Halloween duties. My theme is Awesomeland.
Claire: Which includes anything Phil finds awesome. It's a pretty big umbrella.
Phil: Ooh! Big, pretty umbrellas, those are awesome.
Claire: Nuh-uh.
Phil: Claire loves blood and guts and gore, but who says Halloween has to be scary?
Claire: Everybody but you.
Phil: This is killing her.
Claire: At least something's dying.

Claire: I'm not done, so not done. Look, here's the thing. We-We have fireworks at Christmas now because that's what they do in Colombia. I don't mind. Thanksgiving- That used to be me roasting a turkey until the gays took it over with whatever new turkey cooking craze it is that you saw on the Food Network, and I'm fine with that too. All I ask all I ask is that you leave me Halloween. Yeah, Halloween. I realize it is a crazy-ass holiday for a grown woman to care about this much but it is my crazy-ass holiday. Mine.
Cameron: That's a lot of complaining from somebody who asked for thirds of our tandoori turkey last year.

Gloria: Well, you never want to go shopping with me for costumes, so I get what I want, and you are what comes with it.
Jay: Well, this year, I'm getting my own costume, and it's gonna be tough and manly. Maybe a cowboy or a construction worker.
Gloria: You know that that's what Mitch and Cam wore last year, right?