Phil: [aside to camera] It was simplicity itself. A year ago, Claire accused me for the millionth time that I couldn't scare her, so I came up with a plan. I'd just sold a house to a European couple that weren't gonna take possession for a while, so, uh, last fall, "Ida Mae" moved in. Fortunately, the house was right on Claire's jogging route, so it was easy to introduce Claire to Ida Mae, and when I wanted to amp it up, I had Ida Mae make contact. Then, this morning... I knew that ax wouldn't scare Claire. I just did that so she'd accuse me of not being able to scare her.
[flashback:]
Claire: It's all about plausability.
[back:]
Phil: Damn right, it is. Over the past year, Ida Mae joined the neighborhood association, hung up a poster for her lost dog, signed up for Meals on Wheels. They're not bad, by the way. Also, she got a lot of knitting done.

Cameron: I'm trying to get Wi-Fi so I can watch the pumpkin weigh-in at the Halloween festival back home. You know, 25 years ago, I raised the largest Wichita Thumper, and the record still stands. I am so sorry. There's no way to say that that doesn't sound braggy.
Gloria: No, no, you just did fine.
Cameron: You know, as with every pumpkin, there's a story. It was a cold, bitter night, when tap-tap-tap on the window. Darn if it wasn't the vine of my pumpkin, just out there trembling away.
Gloria: That is a great story.
Cameron: Next thing I know, Daddy's pulling the pumpkin through the window, careful, of course, not to break the vine. And for months, it just became a part of our household. People stepping over it to get into the kitchen, blocked half the TV. We thought "The Brady Bunch" was just about three lovely girls. [chuckles] Oh, but nobody complained. Sure, I won Grand Champion, you know, and the right to name the next tornado. But the thing I remember most are the sacrifices [voice breaking] my family made for just me. That's how we do family where I'm from.
Gloria: [inhales sharply] That's how we do family where I am from!

Phil: Claire, I know this isn't the Halloween you wanted, but can you try to sell it?
Claire: I'm sorry, honey. I got mad at you and I upset Amber, and all because Ronnie called me a soccer mom. What is wrong with me?
Haley: Nothing. I hate it when people assume things about me that aren't true. Like because I'm pretty, I'm stuck-up. When people do that to me, I'm just like, "Shut up, troll. Why am I even talking to you?"

Cameron: You know, Lily's been letting me know recently that she's feeling neglected. I think it's because of all my football stuff. That's why I went all out on her costume. Look how incredibly accurate it is. Where is that little guy? Come on. Come to me. Come on. Here you- Here you go.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: No matter how long he stares at it, Cam cannot find Waldo.
Lily: It's crazy.
Mitchell: Once, he pointed to a barber pole, and we just gave it to him.

Gloria: Boys, what do you think about my costume for tonight?
Jay: You look dynamite, honey.
Gloria: Ay, thank you. I am princess Fiona.
Jay: So does that make me a prince? Do I have to keep track of a crown all night?
Gloria: No, you're Shrek, the ogre.
Jay: You mean that big green thing? Nah, I don't want to walk around all night with an ugly rubber mask.
Gloria: No. You just need to paint your face green, and that's it.
Manny: Ouch.