Malcolm: Enjoy it?! Doesn't anyone besides me get it? The whole neighborhood hates us. So much that they throw a giant celebration just because we're gone.
Lois: Malcolm, that's not news. I'm just surprised they're so organized.
Malcolm: It doesn't bother you that everyone despises us?
Lois: No. These people need somebody to be mad at. Having us to hate gives the whole neighborhood something to bond over.
Hal: Your mother's right, son. Communities seek out a common enemy. If it wasn't us, they'd all team up against someone else. Probably a minority.
Lois: Malcolm, you can't spend your whole life worrying about what people think about you. They'll like you, they'll hate you, they'll think whatever they want to think, and then you die.
Malcolm: Is that supposed to cheer me up?
Lois: I don't know why you need cheering up. You are a teenage boy with a block party right outside his door. Now, you can stay in here and sulk if you want to, but your father and I are gonna go have a good time.
Hal: Come on, honey. Oh, my God, it's a lawnmower parade.

Francis: Hey, Otto. What's this?
Otto: It's called a mount. It is an artificial cow's hindquarters. This will allow us to extract precious seed from Bruno. [bull grunts] He cost me a fortune, but there is gold in those schlapels.
Francis: Can't we just let him go out and mount the heifers?
Otto: No, Bruno is much too rough for my girls. They have lived very sheltered lives. Most of them are even embarrassed by the milking.
Francis: I'm gonna have to be the one to work this, aren't I?
Otto: It is not as bad as you think. All you have to do is climb inside. Bruno will mount you, offer his shwarzencaufin, you will extract the seed.
Francis: That's a million times worse than I thought!
Otto: Oh, now, Francis. There's nothing to be afraid of. Hmm, I wonder why you have to wear goggles.

Dewey: It's either a lizard or a baby alligator. It's been in our cesspool for a month. I think he lives on poo.
Boy: Where is it?
Reese: Hello, everyone. [kids gasp] Don't worry. If I wanted to beat you up, you'd all be hanging by your underpants by now. I've gathered you here to make you an offer.
Dewey: What kind of offer, Reese?
Reese: I'm glad you asked, Dewey. It's no secret that I've tortured all of you over the years. Some of you have scars on the outside. Some of you are damaged in places we can't see. Each one of you wants revenge. And you know what? You're entitled to it.
Dewey: Gee, Reese, revenge sounds great. But how could we accomplish that?
Reese: Another good question, Dewey. For 20 bucks, I'll let each one of you beat the hell out of me for 30 seconds.
Dewey: Boy, Reese, this is tempting. But how do we know you won't let us hit you today, but then get even with us tomorrow?
Reese: That's the beauty part. I'll be tied up and blindfolded the whole time you're beating me.
Boy: Wow.
Reese: The line will form at the garage in one hour. I'm not gonna tell you how to get the money. Your mothers all have purses. Except for you, Freddy. Your mother wears a travel belt.

Otto: Ah. Is everything good to go?
Francis: I think so.
Otto: How do you plan to work her?
Francis: What do you mean, "work her"?
Otto: Well, you know, you will sit there, waiting for Bruno to become fersploten and enter the artificial hoonincootz. And then maybe you rock the hips a little bit. Maybe you tease him with the tail. Gosh. I hope this is sturdy enough to take his weight. You know, he weighs 4,000 pounds. And when his passion is aroused, he may come down with crushing force!
Francis: I want a raise.
Otto: Yeah. All right.

Malcolm: [to camera] Every year, for the last five years, we've spent a week in a cabin on a lake. This year it got ruined, and we had to come back three days early.
Lois: All I'm saying is I don't ask for much. Once a year I want to sit on a porch, stare at a bug zapper and make s'mores over a trash can.
Hal: The problem is the boys have gotten soft. God forbid they should have a little interaction with nature.
[flashback to the boys in their swimming trunks on a beach:]
Boys: [scream] Leeches! Leeches! Leeches!
[present:]
Hal: I blame video games.

Lois: Jamie needs a change.
Dewey: I want to do it!
Reese: No way! We're supposed to take turns!
Malcolm: [to camera] Mom told us Jamie swallowed one of her diamond earrings. Whoever finds it when it comes out gets a 20-buck reward.
Lois: Let Reese change this one. He hasn't gotten to in a while.
Dewey: Oh, man.
Malcolm: [to camera] Somehow they never noticed that Mom doesn't own any diamond earrings.
Reese: Smells like my ticket to Easy Street.

Dewey: You know, I never really thought about us being the most hated people in the neighborhood.
Reese: Well, Dewey, most people go through life unnoticed. Their names are never in the paper, they've got no laws named after them. That's fine for most people, but I wanted more. [shouts at kids] Hey! [takes their playing cards] It's not always easy. You don't make a lot of friends being unpopular. [rips up cards]
Bobby: Someday we'll all get even with you, Reese! [runs off]
Reese: Huh.
Dewey: What is it?
Reese: That kid just gave me the best idea of my life.

Hal: You know, we don't do this often enough, just walk around the neighborhood.
Lois: It's nice, isn't it?
Hal: Remind you of another fair 20 years ago?
Lois: You spent $70 to win me a three-dollar stuffed animal.
Hal: Well, they make those hoops too small on purpose. If I hadn't played till I won, they never would've learned their lesson. Besides, I wasn't trying to win the stuffed animal. I was trying to win you.
Lois: Oh, Hal.

Reese: How are we doing?
Dewey: So far 23 kids have signed up. We've taken in $460!
Reese: Oh, my God!
Dewey: Just remember, we've gotta save 20 bucks for the cab ride to the hospital.
Reese: I'm gonna get the crap kicked out of me for money. This is the greatest nation on Earth.

Hal: I can feel it. I know there's a two-and-a-half-inch empty pocket next to my right kidney.