Barney: You avoiding the family too?
James: I'm gay, I'm black and I'm getting a divorce. Those walking skeletons are gonna have more questions for me than their pharmacists. Ha, ha. But they're family and I love them.
Robin: The greatest generation.
Barney: Smother me before I'm that age.

Barney: James, unless you have a minister, I don't want to hear it.
James: You mean, like this one?
Future Ted: [v.o.] A few years back, Barney's brother James finally met his long-lost father, Sam, who turned out to be a reverend.
Sam: I know pronounce your asses saved.

Ted: So what are you guys gonna do tonight?
Barney: I'll tell you what James is gonna do. He's gonna do the job you've been neglecting. And, as always, he'll do it a lot better than you ever did. Ted, James is my wingman now.
Ted: Okay.
Marshall: Last time James was in town, Barney got slapped once, lucky twice, and... whose penthouse hot tub did you end up in?
James: Ah, public figure, confidentiality agreement. But I will say this, way more back hair than any guy who can afford laser hair removal should have.

James: Hey, bro.
Barney: Don't change the subject. Let me see your phone.
James: Why?
Barney: I just want to see your phone. Let me see your phone.
James: No, it's just a phone. It's just a phone! Well, it's got Internet access, and it's got a camera on it, and you can surf the Web and do the whole thing. It's so amazing how far technology has come. What kind of phone do you have?
Barney: I got... Who is this? And the answer better be: "I don't remember his name."
James: That is Tom. And he's my fiancé.

Barney: James. James, since you like arts and crafts, look at what Charles here made with cherry stems. He did it with his tongue. Yeah.
James: Barney.
Barney: So, Charles, why don't you put your number in my brother's phone, and once he's in a funner mood...
James: Barney, Barney, I don't want his number. I don't want anyone's number, okay? I'm getting married.
Charles: Wow. Best of luck to you both.
James: Thank you.
Charles: My number's in here. I'm very discreet.

Barney: What about me?!
Rhonda: You?
Barney: Yes. We slept together. And you said I was the best you ever had.
Rhonda: Did I? Oh, right. About that...
[flashback to a young James talking to Rhonda:]
James: And tell him that he's the best you ever had.
Rhonda: Oh, I don't know. He's just a kid.
James: No he isn't. He's 23 and he is really hurting, Rhonda. Please.
Rhonda: Maybe we could make a deal.
James: What? [laughs] No, girl, I got a girlfriend. Yeah, yeah, yeah, hers is the only vagina for me. Oh... I love it. It... it isn't scary at all.
Rhonda: Well, too bad. I guess your brother's going to stay a virgin.
James: [stutters] Fine. ... Reggie Jackson, Reggie Jackson, Reggie Jackson...

James: That is my younger brother, Barney. He just thought he'd meet his real dad today, and clearly he's not taking it so well.
Sam: Well, my head's kind of spinning too. I mean, Loretta and I only saw each other for a couple of months. You were two before I even knew you existed. And at that point, your mother made it very clear she was gonna raise you on her own. I felt I had to respect her wishes. But I always wanted to meet you.

James: Ask me what I think of Nora.
Robin: What do you think of Nora?
James: Lovely girl. Ask me what I really think of her.
Marshall: What do you really think of her?
James: Guys, she's great, seriously. Just drop it. Ask me one more time.
Lily: What do you really think?
James: Fine! If you really must know, I do not like Barney with that woman! Happy?

James: I mean, sure, Barney has slept with plenty of other people's mothers. [Marshall pats Ted's shoulder] But now he's gonna sleep with ours?
Kevin: Psychologically speaking, it's perfectly normal to wind up with someone like your parents. Thanks to my mom, I'll probably wind up with someone who loves my brother more than me.
James: Well, psychologically speaking, I'm gonna go throw up now.

Lily: And I'm sorry, but you cannot call a baby Hurricane.
James: Actually, her name is Sadie.
Lily: James, what are you doing here?
James: Did Barney not tell you that we were coming for Thanksgiving?
Lily: Uh, no.
James: Then he probably also did not tell you that he was babysitting our new daughter.
Lily: This is your daughter? Oh, thank God. And congratulations.