James: I wish I would've worn sneakers. I just got finished running from some fat, hairy guy who was periscoping out of his pleather pants. Permission to come aboard denied.

James: Hey! Hi, how are ya?
James and Barney: [in unison] Have you met my brother?

Man: Excuse me. Join me in a shot?
James: Oh, no thanks. I've had enough. [the man always away] He's too in shape, we'd spend all night talking about his body fat content. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go have a yummy, pink drink with fruit in it... because I can.

James: And then Tom says to the dealer that the handmade Georgian clock has a chip on the corner. Blam, we get that puppy half price. What up?! Bam!
Barney: Sounds like you really rocked that arts and crafts fair.
James: Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. Hey, oh, my God. This is so liberating, being able to talk about this to you. I cannot wait for you to meet Tom.
Barney: And I cannot wait for you to meet my good friend, this guy. Excuse me, do you know anyone who would like to buy my incredibly muscular, fun, large-handed brother a drink?
James: Eh, eh, eh, let's focus on you, Barnaby. Okay. [imitating beeping noises] All right. I spy a group of women who have let their defenses down because they are in a gay club. You see that chick right there? She looks like she'd fall for sports agent and football player.
Barney: Okay, I'm in. Which one am I?
James: [chuckles] Please.

[flashback to 23-year-old Barney crying next to his brother James, who is wearing a beer helmet and a football shirt:]
James: Barney. Barney, you need to find a girl and have sex with her ASAP. That is what dudes do after a breakup.
Barney: I know. I want to, but... I guess I'm just scared.
James: Of course you're scared. It's gross. The thought of doing that with a woman... But it's part of being a guy. Try thinking about baseball. Somehow I imagine those players on the field and it's over a lot faster.

[flashback to 23-year-old Barney talking to his brother James, who is wearing a beer helmet and a football shirt:]
Barney: But I don't know the first thing about seducing a woman. What do you...? How do you...? Where do you...?
James: Stop. Don't overthink it. You don't want to get the yips.
Barney: The yips?
James: Yeah, when you overthink simple things so much that you can't do them at all.
Barney: The yips.
James: Yeah, it happens to athletes all the time. Like the second baseman who suddenly can't throw to first or the figure skater who does a perfect triple toe loop and then loses it on the arabesque. [laughs] I've actually really been getting into figure skating lately.

Barney: Ah, Valentine's. The second base of third grade. I always got a Valentine from every single girl in my class.
James: Funny how all these girls have the exact same handwriting as the postmaster general, Mom, and home run king "Frank" Aaron.
Barney: Yeah, schoolgirls. The more they ignore you, pretend to hate your guts, Iock you in the coatroom over winter break, the more they secretly like you.

James: Listen to me. There is no Yourson, North Dakota.
Barney: Mom...
James: And Sam Gibbs wasn't the mayor. He might be one of our fathers.
Barney: He's not my dad. My dad's Bob Barker.
James: Barney, you've gotta stop livin' in these fairy tales that Mom told us. Bob Barker is not your father. Sam Gibbs might be. But Bob Barker is absolutely, unequivocally not your father!

James: It's not that I don't like her. It's just... She's our mom.
Ted: What do you mean, she's your mom?
James: Everything about her is vaguely our mom-like. The British accent...
[flashback to earlier at MacLaren's:]
Nora: Hello again, my darlings.
James: [v.o.] Mom's obsessed with Julie Andrews, so when we were growing up...
[flashback to Staten Island, 1983:]
Loretta: Hello again, my darlings.
[flashback to Nora hugging Barney at the bar:]
Nora: Come here, you.
James: [v.o.] And the way she hugs him. Left hand on the nape of the neck, three gentle strokes on the back with the right?
[flashback to Loretta hugging Barney as a child:]
Loretta: Come here, you.
James: [v.o.] Trademark Loretta Stinson. But here's the clincher...
[alternating flashbacks between Nora at the bar and Loretta in 1983:]
Nora: Guess what, my sweet boy.
Loretta: Guess what my sweet boy.
Nora: I've got a special treat for you tonight.
Loretta: I've got a special treat for you tonight.
Young Barney: Ice cream!
[present:]
James: They're coming. Be cool.

James: Hey, Ted, I overheard your little speech. It's not crazy. About ten years ago, my best friend and I nearly did the same thing. She was single, I was single, we both wanted a family. It made sense. But now? Every day, we thank our lucky stars that we didn't do it. 'Cause what she found with her husband and what I found with mine, it was worth the wait.