Marty: Hey, this is gonna be great, isn't it?
Tim: Yeah.
Marty: You and me back in the same city again. Although... I don't know if I can afford a house out here.
Tim: Oh, come on, come on. We'll go look for one, maybe a little fixer-upper. And you know who can do the fixing.
Marty: I'm hoping Al.

Tim: I'm really glad you showed up.
Marty: Yeah, you missed me, huh?
Tim: No. if you hadn't shown up, Jill would still be chewing me out over this little hole. She will not fight in front of company. So as long as you're here, she won't yell at me.
Marty: Man, I wish Nancy was more like that. She doesn't care who's around. Remember she yelled at me at Uncle Henry's memorial service?
Tim: Marty, you lost the man's ashes.
Marty: I didn't lose them. I got into the convertible...
Tim: Which was your first mistake. And you're lucky I saved your butt. Do you know how many cigars I had to smoke to make one Uncle Henry?

Tim: So, what did you think of Tool Time today?
Marty: Oh, it was great. But only in this country could a goof-off like you get his own TV show.
Tim: [laughs] God bless America, huh?

Marty: I just don't like the idea that you saw my wife with no clothes on.
Tim: Oh, grow up, will you? Would it make you feel better if you saw my wife with no clothes on?
Jill: Tim!
Marty: Well...
Nancy: Marty!

Tim: All right, main dishes. Who brought main dishes?
Wilson: Well, I've got a wok full of my delicious kung-pao crickets.
Tim: Ew. Somebody else? Anybody else bring a main dish?
Marty: It's OK. It's OK. We brought a big bowl of lobster salad.
Tim: Oh, that's just perfect, Marty. Great. Lobster makes Jill break out in hives.
Nancy: Marty, why didn't you know that?
Marty: Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I'll just start keeping a list of all my relatives' allergies.
Tim: All right, everybody, I need help getting the lobster out of here. Just pick in and get the lobster out. Quick, quick, quick.

Tim: All right, I'm sorry I was criticizing you. It's just... [sighs] when I notice somebody painting in a "glop-esque" manner that can result in peghole pluggage...
Marty: Well, your point is well taken, Tim.
Tim: Thank you.
Marty: However, one could also argue that peghole pluggage could easily be remedied with toothpick pokage.
Tim: Toothpick pokage? Go back over the job twice?
Marty: You gotta...
Al: I say we stop this arguing and we settle this with a group huggage.

Tim: Marty, you can't afford to quit.
Marty: Oh, don't tell me what I can afford. You're not the only brother I can turn to. If I have to, I'll borrow money from John.
Tim: He's in worse shape than you.
Marty: He'll get it from Jeff.
Tim: Where's he gonna get it?
Marty: He can get it from Rick.
Tim: And where's Rick gonna get the money?
Marty: From you.

Tim: Harry, have you had anybody put a bid in on it or anything like that?
Harry: Yeah. A nail salon.
Tim: A nail salon? This is the work of Satan.
Marty: I can't believe it! Our store is being turned over to a bunch of women who sit on their cans and yak all day! [they guys all look around and then stand up]

Marty: Here's the rundown. No candy.
Tim: No candy.
Marty: No soft drinks.
Tim: No soft drinks.
Marty: No bedtime stories until she's finished brushing her teeth.
Tim: Honey, are you getting this?
Jill: I got it.
Marty: And don't let her watch any more Tool Time. It gives her nightmares.
Jill: Me, too.

Tim: This reminds me of my first appearance on TV.
Marty: Yeah, when you set your hair on fire.