Jill: Now, listen, you need to learn to let some things go, because you know you make everything such a big deal. Just eliminate the things that drive you the craziest.
Robin: Well, that would be Charlie. He is such a slob, Jill. He leaves his clothes on the floor, his wet towels on the bed. I wish he was more like Tim.
Jill: Hah!
Robin: At least Tim helps you out around the house.
Jill: Well, of course he does. I trained him. Without me he'd still be in the backyard eating out of a trough.
Robin: How did you train him?
Jill: Well, first I got rid of the trough.

Jill: It's just my diary from college. There's nothing that would interest you in here.
Tim: Really? Hey, what about that steamy night in Saugatuck we spent, huh?
Jill: There might be one short paragraph.
Tim: I bet it says something like. "Tonight, I saw paradise."
Jill: "And it was a very small island."

Tim: All right. I'll buy sensible speakers, but we could upgrade the amp, boost the power...
Jill: No boosting. No rewiring. I just want something simple I can turn on.
Tim: Like me.
Jill: Not that simple.

Jill: Tim, I'm gonna make an appointment with the lawyer. If you're even thinking about getting sick, go see a doctor.
Tim: Honey, I'm healthy as a horse.
Jill: Then see a veterinarian. When was the last time that you had a complete physical?
Tim: Honey, I... I go to the doctor all the time.
Jill: I'm not talking about the emergency room.

Jill: All right, all right, all right. I'll clean the closet out.
Tim: There's got to be something in here you can get rid of.
Jill: Yeah, but I stayed married to it because of the kids.

Jill: There's some more groceries out there.
Tim: Forget the groceries. I wanna go up to the bedroom. There's something up there you've been waiting for for a long time.
Jill: Oh, OK. I guess I'll be back down before the ice cream melts.

Jill: How much do I get?
Tim: Listen to this. 580 million dollars and 60 cents. I rounded it off.
Jill: Hand it over.
Tim: I'm a little short. I was kinda hoping I could work some of it off.
Jill: How are you gonna do that?
Tim: By satisfying every one of your needs.
Jill: That'll use up about 20 bucks.

Tim: "If your husband was something you'd find in the kitchen, what would he be?" Oh, that's deep. Oh, yeah, that's deep.
Jill: I think you'll find this very insightful, Tim.
Tim: "A. An oven. Warm and self-cleaning." Not me. "B. Garbage disposal. Grating and eats anything." "C. A refrigerator. Very cold and the light's never on." These are stupid.
Jill: Well, come on. You haven't read the one that I picked for you. Read D.
Tim: "D. A teakettle. Hot and steamy, done in two minutes." Like I'm a teakettle.
Jill: Well, honey, you do whistle when you're done.

Brad: Well, why do I have to learn how to multiply compound fractions? I'm never gonna use them.
Tim: You use 'em every day.
Brad: When?
Jill: Well, like, when I go to the grocery store and I buy a pound and a half of cheese.
Brad: Yeah, but you're not multiplying anything.
Jill: Well, you didn't let me finish.
Tim: Why don't you finish that?
Jill: Well, I buy a pound and a half of cheese and then I multiply that by... a gallon and a half of milk.
Brad: But why would you do that?
Jill: Because... Because I'm... making cheese milk.
Jill: Now go get your math book. We are going to teach you how to multiply compound fractions.
Tim: Couldn't we just punish him? Send him in his room without his cheese milk? [Jill laughs]

Jill: Oh, ignore him. He's always in a snit when Bob Vila's on the show.
Karen: Isn't he the guy that has that national tool show that Tim ripped off?
Tim: Don't start, Karen, please. All I've heard all week long is, "Bob Vila this, Bob Vila that." What does Bob Vila have that I don't?
Karen: High ratings.
Jill: Fans.
Karen: Big salary.
Tim: Are you through?
Jill: Oh, pookie. We're just kidding. Remember, you have something to be proud of that Bob Vila does not have.
Tim: Oh, yeah. What?
Jill: Al.