Jill: You know, I've done similar things to him for different reasons.
Al: You have?
Jill: There was this one time, I was really overwhelmed with schoolwork. And he kept pestering me about remodeling a bathroom or something. So, I snuck out to the garage and I... I squirted some motor oil under the engine of his Mustang. It kept him out of my hair for days.
Al: That's brilliant!
Jill: This other time, I painted chicken pox on Mark's face so I wouldn't have to go to a tractor pull.
Al: Oh, this is a side of you I never knew existed!
Jill: Yeah. I'm devious.

Barbra Canfield: Jill, you're the psychologist. What do you think is going on under the surface with these guys?
Jill: Well, it's very common. Often a man feels threatened when a woman usurps his role as hunter-gatherer. I think that's Diane & Kathleen's husbands reacted the way they did.
Barbra Canfield: Well, why do you think your husband is so understanding? Why is he the exception to the rule?
Jill: Well, Tim is one of a kind. I mean, Tim breaks all the rules. Tim breaks everything.

Heidi: Well, you look great, Jill. It's hard to believe you just went through major surgery, you know?
Jill: Really?
Heidi: Yeah.
Jill: Thanks. [Heidi removes her jacket] [inner monologue:] Oh, for God's sake! Put the coat back on! I can't believe I have to look at this perfect young fertile body while I'm laying up here like a dried-up old prune.

Jill: I never knew that it was so rough on you.
Lillian: Well, every woman has a rough time. And, you know, in my day, we didn't talk about it so easily. The only thing we shared were recipes.
Jill: Well, I can't do that. Nobody wants mine.
Lillian: Oh, that's not true.

Wilson: Jill, let me ask you something. Did you ever go against your parents' wishes and take a risk that involved physical danger?
Jill: Yeah, I did. I married Tim.

Jill: Oh, my God! It looks like somebody hand-polished a barn. [off Tim and Mark's looks] Well, that's an example of something that you shouldn't say.
Mark: I'm glad you cleared that up.

Wilson: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here for this joyous and deeply moving...
Tim: Are you gonna cry through this wedding just like you did through ours?
Jill: Yes. But this time I'm happy.

Tim: You never told me about a job interview.
Jill: Tim, do you ever listen to me? It was the last thing that I said in bed to you last night.
Tim: No. I believe, if you recall, the last thing you said to me in bed last night was, "No!"
Jill: You're thinking of tonight.
Tim: [mock laughter] You split my sides. You really do. Is that my liver? Look in there. Look at that.

Col. Patterson: Where do you get off criticizing me in the first place? What do you know about the military?
Jill: You see, this is why I didn't wanna tell you. Because I knew that you would overreact. You always do. That's why nobody can ever tell anything.
Col. Patterson: What are you talking about?
Jill: When we were growing up, we weren't allowed to tell you anything that might upset you.
Col. Patterson: Oh, really? Then why the hell was I upset so much?!

Jill: Look, if this can happen to Wilson, it can happen to us! I want floodlights, surveillance cameras, uh, uh, uh...
panic buttons, uh, uh, the works, everything!
Tim: You know, I am... I am getting very excited. I hope this isn't just a big tease.
Jill: I am not teasing you. I am turning you loose to buy the biggest, most powerful security system that money can buy.
Tim: [groans] Ohh...
Jill: I will even allow you to do a Tool Time remote in the house.
Tim: I have never loved you as much as I do at this moment.