Jill: Where's Brad?
Tim: Oh. He's out raking the yard. Then I'm gonna have him clean the attic.
Jill: You think he's actually gonna learn anything from all of this?
Tim: When you did something wrong and your parents punished you, did you learn?
Jill: No. Except to try harder not to get caught.
Tim: Yeah. Same with me. This is the point in my life my mother was waiting for. [feminine voice] One day I hope you have a little boy just like you!
Jill: My mom said the exact same thing. I can't believe it's actually come true.
Tim: So what do we do?
Jill: I guess we just keep trying to be the best parents we can be, have a little faith... hope that someday he has a kid just like him.

Tim: Let's not even worry about the play-offs. It's too far away. They'll never make it! What am I talking about? They're a lousy team this year.
Jill: You spent $4,000 on a lousy team?
Tim: Let me explain something about basketball.
Jill: All right.
Tim: You cannot get season tickets like this with a good team. You gotta ride out the bad years, hoping for a good one.
Jill: That's what you said 17 years ago when I married you and I'm still waiting for a good one.

Tim: You heard what she said. Shots, shaving? You don't understand about the pain down there.
Jill: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait a minute! I don't understand about the pain down there? I, who had three children ripped from my loins... in what is laughingly described as "natural" childbirth?
Tim: Oh, boy. Here we go. The pain of childbirth. Isn't there a statute of limitations on this?
Jill: Isn't there a statute of limitations on you being a complete bonehead? You are unwilling to accept responsibility for what I have accepted total responsibility for solely since we met!

Mark: And they let us go up in one of those turboprops.
Jill: Ooh! One of those simulator things?
Tim: No. A little plane.
Jill: You took him up in a little plane?
Tim & Mark: Yeah.
Jill: Those things are disasters waiting to happen. They're like Tool Time with wings.

Jill: You say that you need me by your side. And then you don't even treat me like a person. You acted like I was just one of your appendages.
Tim: Well, forgive me for thinking my career's important.
Jill: Apparently, that's all you think is important.
Tim: Oh, that's not true. Where you hit me with the bowling ball I find quite important too.
Jill: Well, that's OK. Because I think it's gonna have plenty of time to heal!

Wilson: I take it the workshop didn't go as swimmingly as you hoped it would?
Jill: Complete disaster. Tim spent the entire time complaining about me. He said that I have been criticizing him since the day we were married. He even told that wedding story when we were standing in front of the minister and he said, "I do" and I said, "You're mumbling". Well, I couldn't help myself. He's a mumbler.
Wilson: And you felt compelled to remind him of this on your wedding day?
Jill: You know what else? He said I'm demanding. You don't think I'm demanding, do you, Wilson?
Wilson: Well, Jill...
Jill: Come on, come on, come on. I don't have all night. Oh, my God. Did you hear that?
Wilson: Loud and clear.
Jill: Tim's right. I am. I'm a badgering, nagging shrew. All I'm missing is a rolling pin and a bun in my hair. Oh, no! I've got the bun!

Jill: It just goes totally against my instincts. I mean, when my kid has a problem, I just want to rush in and fix it.
Wilson: But if Randy learns to fend for himself now, then when he's an adult he'll be more independent.
Jill: Well, who better to help him be independent than his mother?
Wilson: Oh, Jill, I know this is rough on you, but Randy will get through this. In the words of the famous German philosopher Friedrich Nietzche, "That which does not destroy me only makes me stronger".
Jill: What did Nietzche know? He wasn't a mother.
Wilson: Jill, maybe you're being just a wee bit overprotective.
Jill: Oh, what do you know? You're not a mother either.
Wilson: Well, thanks for stopping by. It's always a pleasure.

Jill: Wow, Angela does good work!
Brad: Yeah. She does, doesn't she?
Jill: I want to talk about you two.
Brad: Mom, we've already had the sex talk.
Jill: This isn't the sex talk. This is the socks talk.

Jill: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Hansen. I'm Jill Taylor, your counseling intern.
Lou Hansen: Nice to meet you.
Jill: Well. Before we begin, I'd like to talk a little bit about my methodology. I am an avid proponent of emotionally-focused couples therapy, which is founded on the belief that couples hide their primary emotions and instead exhibit secondary reactive emotions, which result in negative interactions, such as pursue/distance, or blame/withdraw. Serving as a defense against the more vulnerable primary emotions. Any questions?
Lou Hansen: Are you the only therapist or can we get someone else?

Tim: What is with him? Where did he get the idea I'd approve of him disobeying coach?
Jill: I don't know. Maybe it had something to do with "Brad, you're awesome." "Brad, you're the bomb." "I can't hear you!"
Tim: Oh! You're blaming this on me?
Jill: No, I'm not just blaming you. I'm blaming every man who thinks sports are the only thing that matters in the whole world. I blame the press for writing about winners. I blame the networks for making every game seem like life and death. I blame the advertisers who only care about selling beer and $200 sneakers.
Tim: You're a rather angry woman, aren't you?