Harry: You know, Benny's right. I eat this stuff all the time, and I'm as fit as when I was in the service.
Tim: I heard the only service you got into was the postal service.
Benny: I heard you had a rough battle with a poodle on your route.
Harry: OK. I happen to have been in the Marines. You guys know that. And we used to do push-ups on our fists. Hey, check this out. Count how many I can do in a minute. Ready? [Harry does push-ups]
Tim: One, two, three, four, five...
Felix: That all you can do? Five?
Tim: Why you breathing so hard? You act like you're having a heart attack.
Harry: I think I might be. [Tim and Benny spit out the beef jerky]
Felix: Take it easy.

Al: I feel very uncomfortable about having a party while Jill's upstairs sick with the stomach flu.
Harry: Yeah, I'm sick about it myself. Toss me another sausage, will you?
Al: Oh, come on, with your heart condition, wouldn't you rather have some of my raw vegetable medley? It's very good with this nonfat dip. Go on.
Harry: Yeah, that's all I want - a little dip from a big dip!
Al: Now, come on. Larry, would you talk some sense into him? You're a doctor.
Larry: I'm a neurosurgeon. As long as he doesn't put the sausage on his head, I don't care.

Harry: Hey, Al, I wish you'd stop cleaning, you know. You're a partner, not a janitor.
Al: I know, but I don't mind. You see, I feel a tidy hardware store is a successful hardware store. Isn't that your philosophy?
Harry: [throws nuts on the ground] In a nutshell.

Al: 94, 95, 196 galvanized nails.
Harry: Al, who cares how many nails we got?
Al: To run an efficient business, you should have an accurate inventory. [empties bucket of nails] When was the last time you counted everything in this store?
Harry: Oh, let's see. Including yesterday... never.
Al: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten...
Tim: 13, 12...
Al: Don't.
Harry: 28, 105, 40.

Harry: Hey, guys.
Marty: Hey. How're you doing, Harry?
Harry: Oh, what a surprise. Benny's still here. Hey, Al.
Al: So, did you take your mother-in-law to get her bunions removed?
Harry: Yeah. But I'd rather have kept the bunions and had my mother-in-law removed.

Harry: Yeah. But you gotta stand your ground, Tim. You can't let your wife intimidate you.
Delores: [enters] Harry!
Harry: Delores? Uh, what are you doing here?
Delores: You want to know what I'm doing here? I'll tell you what I'm doing here.
Harry: You all remember my lovely wife, Delores.

Marty: How about this? "Wanted: bright, energetic, self-starter willing to work long hours and weekends for very little pay."
Harry: I already got that job.

Tim: If you got a vasectomy five years ago, why didn't you say something in your store the other day?
Harry: Oh, in front of those jerks? Look how they went after you.
Tim: I can't believe you had a vasectomy.
Harry: Well, Delores wanted to have her tubes tied, and she was really scared about the operation. You know, she's been through childbirth four times, and... Well, I've been to Nam. I've been shot, stabbed, kicked, bit, mortared, bombed. I figured, hey, what's a snip or two?

Randy: Hi, guys. See you later. We're going to the mall.
Delores: Oh, aren't you boys joining us?
Mark: Dad said we didn't have to stay.
Harry: Hey, did he mention if I have to?
Delores: Very nice, Harry.

Tim: Harry, you sure you feel all right?
Harry: I feel great. In fact, I'm in such a good mood, I'm gonna give you half off on that saber saw. Aw, hell! Just take it.
Tim: Harry... Um... Harry, you've been married 25 years, man. You gotta feel a little bad about this. Huh?
Harry: Yeah, you're right, Tim. I... I do feel bad... that it didn't happen 24 years ago! [dances]