Al: So even though it was only one cookie that I stole, the point is I, too, succumbed to temptation. You understand, Mark?
Mark: I think so, but what's an appetite suppressant?
Harry: Something his mother obviously never found.

Al: She's going to a book discussion group with a friend. I'm sure it's purely platonic.
Tim: Haven't you guys ever heard of a platonic relationship?
Harry: Yeah. I got one with my wife.

Tim: You are getting very henpecked, Martin.
Marty: Speaking of "pecked," I heard about your little visit with the urologist tomorrow.
Tim: Marty, that's not public information, OK?
Al: What's the matter? Are you sick?
Tim: No. No. Huh?
Harry: Mm-mm. It's your prostate, right? Mine's as big as a Florida grapefruit.

Tim: Harry, what are you doing here? Did you guys come up with another vasectomy joke?
Harry: Uh, actually we came up with 12. But that's not why I'm here. I, uh... I came by to apologize for the other day. We were a little rough on you.
Tim: Hey, no kidding. Harry, I can take a joke, OK?
Harry: Yeah. You know, Tim, lots of guys have had vasectomies, and they're just as manly as they ever were.
Tim: Oh, yeah? You name one.
Harry: Me.
Tim: [inquisitive grunt]
Harry: Yeah. I had one five years ago.
Tim: Really? Well, at least we know it doesn't make your voice get any higher.
Harry: Actually, it did.

Benny: What's everybody else doing?
Marty: [stammering] I'm going to the in-laws.
Harry: Dining with my wife's evil twin.

Wilson: So, Professor Tim, how was your first day in the world of academia?
Tim: It was great, Wilson. I have a really cool group of students.
Benny: Hey, during roll call was anyone named Seymour Butts?
Wilson: Or Jacques Strap?
Harry: Or Kay O'Pectate?
Tim: When was the last time you were ever on a campus, Harry?
Harry: Oh, let's see. I got out of 'Nam in '71, so that would make it... never.

Tim: Why is he telling Benny this stuff and not me?
Harry: Because Marty feels like he's hit rock bottom. Then, when he sees Benny, he remembers what rock bottom really looks like.

Tim: No. I'm here to try to save a small business.
Al: Ladies and gentlemen, Harry's Hardware is going out of business.
Sparky: Oh, no. When did that happen?
Harry: I've been taken over by a nail salon and forced to live in the desert with my wife.
Sparky: Oh, no!

Marty: Hey, Tim. Didn't Wilson have a security system or something?
Tim: No, I don't think so.
Benny: I have the best security system in the world - I own nothing of value.
Harry: Hey, I got an even better one. My wife Delores. Burglar takes a look at her with no makeup, he's scared straight.

Tim: Drop-forged chrome steel, cushioned grip. These any good, Harry?
Harry: Oh, yeah. And I got a special on 'em - buy a dozen, get one free.
Tim: Who needs a dozen of these, you know? But I can't pass up a freebie like that.
Harry: I love this guy.