Niles: Of course, I can't take care of him.
Frasier: Oh, yes, of course. Of course. Why?
Niles: Because Dad doesn't get along with Maris.
Frasier: Who does?
Niles: I thought you liked my Maris.
Frasier: I do. I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun, except without the warmth.

Niles: Let's get some lights on. [claps]
Frasier: Good Lord, what the hell is that?
Niles: Maris had it made after she lost power in a storm. Battery operated, works on a clapper so you can find it in the dark. Only problem was, the poor thing, try as she might, could never clap hard enough to activate it.

Roz: Oh, my God. You have two women?
Frasier: At least.
Roz: And you're juggling them? And you're getting jewelry?
Frasier: Why is that so hard to believe?
Roz: Well, I guess since they cloned that sheep, anything's possible.

Martin: You know, maybe it's that Sonia woman he was going out with.
Daphne: Wasn't there a sister, too?
Martin: And a niece!
Niles: Oh, yes, he went through that family like a recessive gene.

Martin: Excuse me, miss? Do you remember the woman who brought this box in?
Waitress: Yeah, she was very well dressed and really, really thin.
Niles: Well, that could be a lot of people.
Waitress: Yeah, she just dropped off the gift then ordered a whole-milk mocha with whipped cream and chocolate shavings.
Niles: [laughing with relief] Oh, thank God. That's not her.
Waitress: Yeah. It was really weird, though. She just took a long whiff of it and then just handed it back.
[Niles laughs, then starts to weep]