TV Quotes

Niles: Of course, I can't take care of him.
Frasier: Oh, yes, of course. Of course. Why?
Niles: Because Dad doesn't get along with Maris.
Frasier: Who does?
Niles: I thought you liked my Maris.
Frasier: I do. I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun, except without the warmth.

Daphne: You know, when I was younger I dreamed of being a ballerina myself.
Niles: So did Maris. But the poor thing could never get her weight up enough.

Daphne: Look at this fancy back scratcher.
Niles: That's not exactly what it is. Every winter Maris would fly down to the private island her family owns in the south Pacific. On Christmas, she'd let the native children come by and fish coins from hers fountains.
Martin: Oh, some kind of coin-scooper, huh?
Niles: No, no. It's a stick with a claw on the end it in case any of the children got too close to her.

Niles: Ah, I found me. Daphne, avert your eyes. Let's get this thing wrapped up and into my trunk.
Martin: Oh, geez. How could you stand to look at yourself like that?
Niles: I never had to. It was in Maris' bedroom.

Niles: Well, that's it. It's over. It's over and I've lost. Maris has won. Maris always wins.
Martin: Niles.
Niles: Niles never wins! Niles always loses! That's why Niles lives at the Shangri-La and drives a hatchback!

Frasier: Dad, I'm sorry, if Frederick's anything like me, the kind of toys he'll like to play with are... A kitchen set, a dollhouse and three kinds of Barbies. Oh, good God. This is for a Franklin Crane from Kennebunkport. Oh, God, do you realize what this means?
Niles: Yes. The Cranes of Maine have got your Living Brain.