Martin: I still think you're making too big a deal out of this.
Niles: Dad, I have never seen Maris this angry. I swear, her eye was twitching like a frog in a science experiment.
Martin: Well, when your mother got mad at me, I'd just grab her, bend her backwards, and give her a kiss which made her glad she was a woman.
Niles: I can't do that with Maris. She has abnormally rigid vertebrae, she'd snap like a twig.

Niles: Well, when I brought you a beer in your room the other day I couldn't help but notice you had pictures of Frasier and Frederick and an autographed one from someone named Ken Griffey Jr. But none of Maris and me. So I brought you this.
Martin: Oh, gee, thanks. What's Maris doing wearing jodhpurs? She hasn't taken up horseback riding, has she?
Niles: No, no. She wanted to, but unfortunately her little quadriceps are so tight she's incapable of straddling anything larger than a border collie.

Niles: Oh God, I'm due back with Maris. Oh, if anyone needs me, I'll be sleeping at the hospital tonight.
Frasier: Why?
Niles: Maris's doctor feels it's more soothing for the patient to duplicate the home environment as closely as possible. So I slipped a pearl-handed revolver under her pillow and got myself a room across the hall.

Niles: Let's face it, Frasier, you talk about wanting to safeguard your professional dignity, but the first time you went on the air, you got out of medicine and into showbiz. You're no different from that movie star who let everybody look up her skirt in that film, and then did nothing but complain that nobody took her seriously as an actress.
Frasier: Well, that has nothing to do with this!
Niles: Have you seen that movie? Maris and I rented the video and, I don't mind telling you, we pushed our beds together that night! And that was no mean feat. Her room, as you know, is across the hall.

Frasier: I must say, Niles, that is a striking tie you're wearing.
Niles: Thank you. It was a gift from Maris. She had it made for me to commemorate the end of that dreadful winter she had her obesity scare.
Frasier: Oh, yes. I remember her struggle to lose that holiday pound.
Niles: After she'd restored her figure, she had Yoshi set fire to a hippopotamus topiary she felt had taunted her. Then, as a visual reminder never to let herself go again, she had this tie made for me out of the legs of her fat pants.

Niles: You think you had a bad week? This morning, Maris and I woke to the sound of our gardener, Yoshi, hacking his way through our prize topiary.
Frasier: Well, Niles, I've never understood why you wanted your hedges to be sculpted into the shapes of animals.
Niles: Well, we're both animal lovers. But Maris is unable to have pets. She- She distrusts anything that loves her unconditionally.

Niles: Unfortunately, I have to see Maris tonight.
Martin: Maris? What the hell do you have to see her for?
Niles: Sadly, to pay my condolences. It seems our old gardener has passed away unexpectedly.
Frasier: Oh, not Yoshi. Gosh, that's too bad.
Niles: He had a heart attack when he was out trimming Maris's elaborate hedge maze. The paramedics never had a chance.

Niles: Disaster again. Maris's little wine club had an outing to the local vineyard. As the new president, she had the honor of being first into the stomping vat. You can imagine her humiliation when she danced herself into a barefoot fury and was unable to break even a single grape.

Niles: It was Maris.
Frasier: Maris?!
Niles: I haven't spoken to her for months. She says she needs to see me.
Frasier: About what?
Niles: I don't know. She was hysterical. I haven't heard her this panicked since her strength gave out halfway through a revolving door.

Niles: I gave Maris her birthday saddle. She was so thrilled she treated me to a little Lady Godiva impression.
Frasier: Oh, my.
Niles: Apparently, the oils in the saddle reacted badly with her cellulite cream and created a powerful epoxy.
Frasier: Oh, dear.
Niles: Yes, it took an hour and a full bottle of nail polish remover to get her free. Today, her poor little thighs were so sore the only way she could find comfort was to straddle a frozen butterball turkey.