Niles: Of course, I can't take care of him.
Frasier: Oh, yes, of course. Of course. Why?
Niles: Because Dad doesn't get along with Maris.
Frasier: Who does?
Niles: I thought you liked my Maris.
Frasier: I do. I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun, except without the warmth.

Niles: Let's get some lights on. [claps]
Frasier: Good Lord, what the hell is that?
Niles: Maris had it made after she lost power in a storm. Battery operated, works on a clapper so you can find it in the dark. Only problem was, the poor thing, try as she might, could never clap hard enough to activate it.

Martin: Mike ran a check on Maris's credit cards, there's been a whole bunch of charges in New York.
Niles: Oh, God. She's been kidnapped. Someone's using her credit cards.
Martin: [on the phone] Yeah, O.K., slow down. Armani... Valentino... Cartier... Tiffany...
Niles: Any restaurants?
Martin: Any restaurants? [to Niles] Not a one.
Niles: She's alive!

Daphne: Oh look, your brother left us a note.
Frasier: "Dear Dad, Frasier, & Daphne. When you wake up this morning I'll be gone. Thank you for all your help,
but I don't want to be a burden any longer."
Daphne: You don't think... No, I'm sure this is all completely harmless.
Martin: Yeah, my gun's still locked up. And the door to the balcony's closed...
Frasier: And we all know that Daphne's Shepherd's Pie is still in the refrigerator.

Martin: [on the phone, describing Maris] Uh, thin. Make that very thin. Caucasian. Very Caucasian.