Adult Chris: [v.o.] 1983 was my first Valentine's Day as a teenager. I never really cared about Valentine's Day before, but now I couldn't ignore it. Valentine's Day makes most people think of flowers and candy, but it reminded me of the gangland massacre in Chicago.
Al Capone: [film] Happy Valentine's Day. [gunfire]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yesterday, those roses cost $10. Today, they're $110. Even when you're broke, you have to find a way to tell your woman you love her.
[As a man spray paints a heart on a wall, a male and female police officer apprehend him]
Female Police Officer: Hey! You picked the wrong wall today.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even if it means getting the crap beat out of you. [the police officers kiss] On Valentine's Day, love was in the air. You should have seen what they did after they shot him.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's Tangee Brown.
Tangee: Hi.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] All she ever said to me was "hi." That's all I needed. After that, she became my Bus Crush. I call it a Bus Crush because this one happened on a bus. One time I had an Elevator Crush. I almost lost my head trying to follow her around. [Chris screams as he gets trapped in the elevator doors] There was my Window Crush. [The girl screams as she sees Chris outside her window] The laws about that were a lot more relaxed at the time. There was only one problem with my Bus Crush... she had a boyfriend.

Tangee: Why I got to be stupid? You're the one who lost your hat.
Clyde: I lost it because I was trying to keep you from getting on the wrong bus.
Tangee: So I'm dumb now?
Clyde: Yeah, Tangee. And you're getting on my nerves.
Tangee: Clyde, you still got my books.
Clyde: Here. You need to read them. Maybe they'll teach you how to act.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] This must be how the drummer felt watching Ike and Tina fight.

Chris: You want to sit down?
Tangee: No, that's okay.
Chris: Oh, no, it's all right. I like to stand.
Tangee: Thanks.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] At that moment, somebody could have sold me a lifetime bus pass.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother loved Valentine's Day, and why not? I learned early on, Valentine's Day is not a day for couples. It's a day for women. If a woman shows up at a man's door empty-handed, big deal. But if a man shows up empty-handed, he may as well not have shown up at all.
Woman: Die, you pig! [throws a man off the roof]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He won't forget next year.

Rochelle: Drew, you need to tell these fast little girls to stop calling this house all hours of the day and night.
Drew: I told them already.
Rochelle: Well, tell them again. They're all calling here talking about, "Well, tell him his Valentine called." I don't have time for that mess.
Julius: Relax. Boy can't help it if he's popular.

Tonya: Chris, how many Valentine cards did you get so far?
Chris: None.
Tonya: How come girls don't like you?
Chris: Because none of your business, that's why.
Tonya: Don't get mad at me.
Julius: Hey, hey, hey.

Tonya: Mama, can you help me make a Valentine's Day card?
Julius: A homemade card. That's my little girl, saving that money.
Rochelle: Sure, baby. Who's it for?
Tonya: My boyfriend.
Julius: Your what friend?
Rochelle: Well, the girl can't help it if she's popular.

Drew: Hey, Ma, do you have a place where I can put all my Valentine's Day cards?
Rochelle: How many you giving out, boy?
Drew: Well, I'm not really giving them out. Girls just keep on giving them to me.
Julius: My man. Are girls supposed to give boys Valentine's Day cards?
Rochelle: Well, they're giving them to him.
Julius: What's that got to do to with me?

Chris: I wish somebody would give me a Valentine's Day card that says something besides "I hate you."
Drew: Well, if you want, you can have one of mine.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And I thought getting his hand-me-downs was bad.
Chris: No, thank you.
Rochelle: Who gave you a card that said "I hate you"?
Chris: Oh, I don't know. It's just a stupid joke.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even though I didn't like Caruso, I didn't think he deserved to be cursed out by my mother.