Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I worried about prison bars, my mother struggled to become Bill Gates.

Rochelle: Do you have a problem with me?
Vanessa: What? No. Why would you ask me that?
Rochelle: Because you keep embarrassing me in front of people. And Peaches is in there acting like she's Albert Einstein with my kids. Now, if you want to replace me, then just say so.
Vanessa: Rochelle, you're being ridiculous.
Rochelle: How would you feel if I bought a computer here that knew how to do hair and she knew how to work it and you didn't?
Vanessa: Rochelle, you sound like a crazy woman. Now, if you don't want her helping with the computer, fine. But you better learn it fast, 'cause the person that manages this store is going to be working on that computer.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While my mother was getting the lowdown from Vanessa, I was trying not to get the whole faculty high.
Janitor: Hey, I know you. You're that Black kid.
Greg: How'd you like to make a five spot?
Janitor: I'd like that.
Chris: I need to get into the Home Ec room. I left something in there.
Janitor: Sure. What'd you leave?
Chris: I'd rather not say.
Greg: Let's just say we left five bucks in there.
Janitor: Oh. [chuckles] Five bucks. That's good. That's very clever.

Drew: Hey, where are you going?
Tonya: I'm going to Andrea's listening party.
Drew: Dad said you couldn't go.
Tonya: [mocking] "Dad said you couldn't go." Dad is asleep and Mama's at work. As long as I get home before Daddy wakes up, and you keep your mouth shut and stay out of my business, then we shouldn't have a problem.
Drew: A'ight.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] When a person says "a'ight," that means, "Do what you want, but I'm telling you it's a bad idea."
[fantasy: Washington, D.C. 1995:]
Aide: [on the phone] Mr. President, I'm telling you, I think hiring this Lewinsky girl is a bad idea.
Bill Clinton: [on the phone] I don't care what you think. I want her on the clock Monday morning. Got me?
Aide: A'ight.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While Tonya was breaking out, I was breaking in.
Greg: Oh, man, where's all the food?
Janitor: Mrs. Williams had me move it over to the cafeteria freezer.
Chris: Why didn't you tell us this before?
Janitor: Listen here, Mr. I'd-Rather-Not-Say, how do I know what you're looking for? Blame yourself.
Greg: Well, can you let us into the cafeteria kitchen?
Janitor: No, only the chef has those keys now.
Greg: [to Chris] I think you're going to need a Plan B.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] As in "bail" money.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I always believed that drugs could destroy your life because I wasn't even using them and my life was getting worse by the day.
Chris: The next time we're going to see that lasagna is when the faculty is eating it.
Greg: If only we could pull an Indiana Jones, like Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Chris: You mean when he swaps the bag of sand for a statue?
Greg: Yeah, the old bait-and-switch.
Chris: All right, I guess I can make another lasagna, but how are we going to switch that with the weed lasagna without anybody seeing?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] See the answer in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Weed.

Rochelle: Peaches only knows a little. I need to learn about programming.
Tonya: Oh, no, she knows all about that. She designed this program that lets her log in all her community service hours.
Julius: Baby, if Peaches can teach you for free, how come I'm paying for classes?
Rochelle: 'Cause you're not married to Peaches. Now, can I take my class or would you rather me get locked up and learn in jail?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He's seriously thinking about this.
Julius: Hey, it's okay. Take your classes.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Meanwhile, my mother was paying for computer classes to save her pride.
Peaches: Hi, class! Welcome to Computer Love Lesson. I Peaches! Y'all know y'all don't know nothing, right?

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I managed to get the lasagna out of school. Now all I had to do was make sure me and T.J.
were cool.
T.J.: Hey! I want my stuff. And you bet not have smoked none.
Chris: Oh, I didn't smoke it. I, uh, baked it. There you go.

Peaches: Hmm-hmm. So let me get this straight. You didn't want to learn the computer from me, but then I catch you trying to learn it from somebody else.
Rochelle: Peaches, you're the one teaching me.
Peaches: You didn't know it was going to be me. How could you do this, Rochelle? I am your friend.
Rochelle: I didn't want you to think that I wasn't smart enough to learn it.
Peaches: Why come? 'Cause I learned it in a prison?
Rochelle: No.
Peaches: Yes! Tell the truth. Tell the truth and set your mind free.
Rochelle: Okay, I was jealous.
Peaches: Jealous of who?
Rochelle: You.
Peaches: Me?
Rochelle: Yeah.
Peaches: Why?
Rochelle: Because I didn't want people to think that you were better than me.