Nick Tortelli: Don't worry about it, Sam. I'll handle it. Carla, at times, can be very obdurate. She also can be very recalcitrant, intransigent and immovable.
Loretta: Nicky got one of those word-a-day calendars. We played word games all the way from Las Vegas. I'm insipid.

Diane: Oh, Nick Tortelli, this is someone with whom you have absolutely nothing in common, my paramour, Dr. Frasier Crane.
Nick Tortelli: Uh, doctor of what? Can you get any pills?
Frasier: I'm a psychiatrist. Uh, have we met? You wouldn't by any chance be the bogus missing link exhibited at the Amsterdam World's Fair?
Nick Tortelli: No, but you're not the first person who asked me. I wish I had done something like that. Maybe my life would be worth something.

Carla: Nick, I want you back. I want to give you another chance to take care of me and the kids.
Nick Tortelli: Oh, Carla, you've made me the happiest man on Earth. Let's go to White Castle and celebrate! I knew I'd get you back if I kept scrubbing and mopping and cleaning the ashtrays and believing.
Carla: Yeah.
Nick Tortelli: But I've got to tell you, that last test was the hardest.
Carla: Test, Nick?
Nick Tortelli: Yeah, the way you actually got Loretta to come here and do what she did. I don't know how you did it.
Carla: It wasn't a test, Nick.
Nick Tortelli: It wasn't?
Carla: No.
Nick Tortelli: Uh, she really wants me back?
Carla: That's right.
Nick Tortelli: Oh. Well, good. I'm glad to see that you're above that sort of thing. It's you and me... forever.
Carla: Really, Nick? I can't believe it. I- [Nick clutches his chest] Nick? What's the matter?
Nick Tortelli: I don't know. Something weird, Carla. I can't control my body. Uh, I don't know what's going on. Uh, I'm going to find a cure for this, if it kills me. Uh... Goodbye, Carla. I love you. Loretta!

Norm: So, uh, Nick, what have you been up to lately, huh?
Nick Tortelli: Oh, uh, well, we still live in the glamorous environs of Las Vegas, although we recently did move.
Loretta: We didn't like our old neighborhood, so we just drove our house to a better one.
Cliff: Oh, uh, so how's the career going, Nick? Last time we chatted, you were talking about marketing some kind of a, slot machine for the home.
Nick Tortelli: Oh yeah, "Flush and Win." It was a great idea. The only problem is that people had a difficult time retrieving their change. Yeah, but I'm onto something very big now. And this is an opportunity for me to include you, my friends, in this future affluence.
Norm: Well, you know how I hate to be apart from Vera...
Nick Tortelli: Wait, wait, sit, sit, hear me out. I know I've had some crazy schemes in the past, but this is then and that was then and this is now. This is completely legit. I have an opportunity, to purchase, an orang-utan act.
Frasier: Did he say "purchase" or "join"?
Nick Tortelli: Just need a couple of backers. Hear this: three apes, some banana oil, and a broad that's had all her shots.
Norm: Nicky, we missed you, lad.

Nick Tortelli: Carla, look at our kid out there. She's pregnant, married to a retired cop. We must have done something right.
Carla: Yeah. Maybe our other kids will turn out okay, too.
Nick Tortelli: That is my most fervent wish.
Woody: [answers phone] Cheers. Oh, just a second. Mr. Tortelli, it's for you.
Nick Tortelli: For me? [takes the phone] Hello. What?! What?! When?! [yelling] All right, I'll be on it! Loretta, let's go!
Woody: What's the matter?
Nick Tortelli: One of the orang-utans went nuts and bit a kid. I've got to rush to Vegas before they put him to sleep.
Woody: The orang-utan or the kid?
Nick Tortelli: I didn't ask.

Nick Tortelli: Your mother doesn't feel I belong here. She says I'm unwelcome.
Serafina: Mother, you can't send Daddy away on the most important day of my life.
Carla: Listen, Serafina, you've gotta understand...
Serafina: No, this is not about you. It's about me. My wedding, my day.
Nick Tortelli: Have a nice life, baby.
Serafina: Wait one minute, Daddy. Look, Ma, I know all the things you've done for me. I know you don't like Daddy, but like him or not, he is my dad. I know he's been a bad father. Never around when you need him, a louse, a jerk, a liar, a deadbeat.
Nick Tortelli: You tell her, honey.

Carla: Nick, what are you doing here?
Nick Tortelli: I had a feeling you weren't going to show up at the wedding. I want you to meet my fiance. Loretta. And see for yourself that the photos were not re-touched.
Carla: More than I can say for Loretta.
Nick Tortelli: Watch your mouth. Loretta, this is Carla, who I divorced for obvious reasons.

Sam: You know, you're not the first guy to lose a woman, Nick.
Nick Tortelli: Yeah, but you haven't heard the worst. You see, Loretta wouldn't marry me unless I signed one of them, uh, "pre-nupital" agreements and put everything in her name. I was up to my eyeballs in amore that night. She got the house and the Tortelli Television Hospital.
Sam: Oh, ouch. Let me get you a drink.
Nick Tortelli: Oh, no, I couldn't. I don't have anything, Sam. I couldn't pay for it.
Sam: No, it's on the house.
Nick Tortelli: Nick Tortelli don't take charity or pity. Or soda. So make it neat, Sam.

Nick Tortelli: You look pretty, Carla.
Carla: The twinkie left you, didn't she? She took you for everything, didn't she? Please tell me she took you for everything.
Nick Tortelli: I was born into this world naked and so shall I leave it.
Diane: But please stay fully-clothed the rest of the time.

Diane: Nick, Loretta.
Nick Tortelli: Hello, sweetcakes. You been thinking about me?
Diane: Only during flea-and-tick season.
Nick Tortelli: Yeah? Well, in my neighborhood, that's all year round.
Diane: I'm sure it is.