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Battle of the Exes

‘Battle of the Exes’

Season 2, Episode 13 -  Aired January 5, 1984

Carla asks Sam to be her date when she is invited to the wedding of her ex-husband Nick (Dan Hedaya).

Quote from Coach

Coach: Diane, if you're looking for a place to stay, there's a lovely little inn up in Vermont that my wife and I used to drive to all the time.
Diane: What inn?
Coach: In my station wagon.


Quote from Carla

Carla: Look. You always claim you know the answers to everything. Well, I'm calling your bluff. I am going to give you a chance to handle my problem. I give you 30 seconds. If you blow it, I'm sending you back out there and your face stays here.
Diane: Fair enough.
Carla: My ex-husband is getting remarried tonight. Here's the invite.
Diane: How terrible for you. I understand completely. You've never really stopped loving him. I can see this invitation is soaked with your tears.
Carla: That's my spit. I don't love that rat and I never did. Sure, there were little things I loved about him, like the way he flexed his tattoo. The way the hair grew in his ears. The way he drooled in bed.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Diane, Vera and I once went to this really, romantic, beautiful old place called the Fairview in New Hampshire.
Diane: Oh, yeah?
Norm: Yeah. Really romantic. They don't have any telephones or televisions. They just have these old fireplaces and these romantic old feather beds, antiques I think, so you really have to kind of snuggle up there to your loved one.
Diane: Oh?
Norm: Best part of it for me was that they had this old romantic circular driveway, you know, so I didn't even have to stop. I just rolled through and yelled, "Cancel Peterson."

Quote from Cliff

Carla: I'm strapped for time. And besides, you're the best-looking guy in this bar.
Norm: Got you there, Sam.
Cliff: Ah, best-looking guy in the city.
Coach: Best-looking guy in the state.
Woman: No, he's not. As a matter of fact, there's a great-looking guy who used to drink here. I think his name was Clifford Clavin.
Cliff: Hey. I'm Clifford Clavin.
Woman: Oh, my God. What did you do to yourself? He used to look like Tyrone Power.
Cliff: I've lost my looks?
Norm: No, I think you're thinking of Cliff Clemens. You've never looked better than this.
Cliff: Oh, that's a relief. Thank you, Norm.

Quote from Nick Tortelli

Carla: Nick, what are you doing here?
Nick Tortelli: I had a feeling you weren't going to show up at the wedding. I want you to meet my fiance. Loretta. And see for yourself that the photos were not re-touched.
Carla: More than I can say for Loretta.
Nick Tortelli: Watch your mouth. Loretta, this is Carla, who I divorced for obvious reasons.

Quote from Coach

Coach: Boy, I don't know how to thank you guys for hanging around here. Boy, I always get nervous when Sam's not here and I have to cash out myself.
Norm: You came pretty close tonight, Coach.
Coach: How close, Norm?
Norm: You were only off $16,000.
Coach: I never had an accounting course in my life.
Norm: You've just got a flair for it, Coach.

Quote from Coach

Coach: OK, that's it. I'll take over.
Sam: Coach, maybe-
Coach: I'll do it. Let me do it, Sam. Listen. I know Carla- I know Carla like the back of my hand. [looks at his hand] What the hell is that? I never noticed that before.
Sam: Coach, maybe you ought to let her cool down.
Coach: Cliffy, what's this on the back of my hand?

Quote from Carla

Norm: Hey, how was the wedding?
Carla: Oh, it was so great. Normie, if there is such a thing as perfect, this was it. Sam kept putting his arm around me, hugging me, whispering in my ear.
Norm: So did Nick notice?
Carla: Notice? During the ceremony, he threw the ring at us and yelled, "Pay attention!"

Quote from Carla

Carla: Sam, you were the greatest tonight. I got to thank you for putting up with all that.
Sam: Are you kidding me? I had a terrific time. You know, somebody should have said something to Nick. He went through the ceremony with his fly open.
Carla: Oh, he knew. It's a tradition in his family. Sign of fertility. Didn't you notice his father and all the ushers?
Sam: Oh, that's right. Yeah, well, that explains it. I thought it was because the building was a little stuffy. In fact, I flirted with the idea myself.

Quote from Carla

Sam: I never realized just how much you know about me. All those stories about my career. I mean, you know more stories about me than I do.
Carla: I had to make it look like the real thing. Besides, I know everything about you.
Sam: Yeah, right.
Carla: Your favorite color is blue. Your favorite hobby is sailing. Your favorite food is Chinese. And your taste in women is not what it used to be.
Sam: Right across the board.

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