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‘Battle of the Exes’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Cheers: Battle of the Exes

213. Battle of the Exes

Aired January 5, 1984

Carla asks Sam to be her date when she is invited to the wedding of her ex-husband Nick (Dan Hedaya).

Quote from Coach

Coach: Diane, if you're looking for a place to stay, there's a lovely little inn up in Vermont that my wife and I used to drive to all the time.
Diane: What inn?
Coach: In my station wagon.

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Quote from Carla

Carla: Look. You always claim you know the answers to everything. Well, I'm calling your bluff. I am going to give you a chance to handle my problem. I give you 30 seconds. If you blow it, I'm sending you back out there and your face stays here.
Diane: Fair enough.
Carla: My ex-husband is getting remarried tonight. Here's the invite.
Diane: How terrible for you. I understand completely. You've never really stopped loving him. I can see this invitation is soaked with your tears.
Carla: That's my spit. I don't love that rat and I never did. Sure, there were little things I loved about him, like the way he flexed his tattoo. The way the hair grew in his ears. The way he drooled in bed.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Diane, Vera and I once went to this really, romantic, beautiful old place called the Fairview in New Hampshire.
Diane: Oh, yeah?
Norm: Yeah. Really romantic. They don't have any telephones or televisions. They just have these old fireplaces and these romantic old feather beds, antiques I think, so you really have to kind of snuggle up there to your loved one.
Diane: Oh?
Norm: Best part of it for me was that they had this old romantic circular driveway, you know, so I didn't even have to stop. I just rolled through and yelled, "Cancel Peterson."

Quote from Cliff

Carla: I'm strapped for time. And besides, you're the best-looking guy in this bar.
Norm: Got you there, Sam.
Cliff: Ah, best-looking guy in the city.
Coach: Best-looking guy in the state.
Woman: No, he's not. As a matter of fact, there's a great-looking guy who used to drink here. I think his name was Clifford Clavin.
Cliff: Hey. I'm Clifford Clavin.
Woman: Oh, my God. What did you do to yourself? He used to look like Tyrone Power.
Cliff: I've lost my looks?
Norm: No, I think you're thinking of Cliff Clemens. You've never looked better than this.
Cliff: Oh, that's a relief. Thank you, Norm.

Quote from Nick Tortelli

Carla: Nick, what are you doing here?
Nick Tortelli: I had a feeling you weren't going to show up at the wedding. I want you to meet my fiance. Loretta. And see for yourself that the photos were not re-touched.
Carla: More than I can say for Loretta.
Nick Tortelli: Watch your mouth. Loretta, this is Carla, who I divorced for obvious reasons.

Quote from Coach

Coach: Boy, I don't know how to thank you guys for hanging around here. Boy, I always get nervous when Sam's not here and I have to cash out myself.
Norm: You came pretty close tonight, Coach.
Coach: How close, Norm?
Norm: You were only off $16,000.
Coach: I never had an accounting course in my life.
Norm: You've just got a flair for it, Coach.

Quote from Coach

Coach: OK, that's it. I'll take over.
Sam: Coach, maybe-
Coach: I'll do it. Let me do it, Sam. Listen. I know Carla- I know Carla like the back of my hand. [looks at his hand] What the hell is that? I never noticed that before.
Sam: Coach, maybe you ought to let her cool down.
Coach: Cliffy, what's this on the back of my hand?

Quote from Carla

Norm: Hey, how was the wedding?
Carla: Oh, it was so great. Normie, if there is such a thing as perfect, this was it. Sam kept putting his arm around me, hugging me, whispering in my ear.
Norm: So did Nick notice?
Carla: Notice? During the ceremony, he threw the ring at us and yelled, "Pay attention!"

Quote from Carla

Carla: Sam, you were the greatest tonight. I got to thank you for putting up with all that.
Sam: Are you kidding me? I had a terrific time. You know, somebody should have said something to Nick. He went through the ceremony with his fly open.
Carla: Oh, he knew. It's a tradition in his family. Sign of fertility. Didn't you notice his father and all the ushers?
Sam: Oh, that's right. Yeah, well, that explains it. I thought it was because the building was a little stuffy. In fact, I flirted with the idea myself.

Quote from Carla

Sam: I never realized just how much you know about me. All those stories about my career. I mean, you know more stories about me than I do.
Carla: I had to make it look like the real thing. Besides, I know everything about you.
Sam: Yeah, right.
Carla: Your favorite color is blue. Your favorite hobby is sailing. Your favorite food is Chinese. And your taste in women is not what it used to be.
Sam: Right across the board.

Quote from Carla

Sam: Your favorite meal is Chicken McNuggets. Your favorite hobby is drawing underarm hair on all the models in Vogue magazine. And your favourite movie is Lady And The Tramp. And you always cry when they come to the part where they eat the spaghetti.
Carla: I didn't think anybody knew that.
Sam: I'll tell you something else about you that you didn't think I knew.
Carla: What?
Sam: You go to Mass every Sunday.
Carla: Who squealed on me?
Sam: Ah, ah, I was just guessing. But that goes to show just how well I do know you.

Quote from Coach

Diane: Hey, Coach, you know how Sam is always complaining that I'm not spontaneous?
Coach: Yeah, he always goes something like, "Diane, can't you be more spontaneous?" [gestures with hands]
Diane: At any rate, it really irritates me.
Coach: Irritates me, too. Especially when he goes like that. [gestures with hands]
Diane: Coach, Sam doesn't do that. You do that.
Coach: That doesn't make it any less irritating.

Quote from Coach

Sam: Something's really bothering Carla, huh?
Diane: The man knows women, huh?
Sam: Listen. Maybe one of us should go in there and talk to her, huh?
Norm: Oof.
Cliff: All right, I'm thinking of a number between one and ten.
Coach: Now, stop showing off, will you, Cliffy? We got a real problem here.

Quote from Diane

Diane: I think that Carla very likely has the kind of problem with which only another woman can help. Carla, this is Diane. There really is such a thing as sisterhood.
Carla: [o.s.] Come on in.
Diane: We women stand together. I think even leaders of nations could learn a great deal by observing the women of America- [Carla grabs Diane by the mouth and drags her into Sam's office]

Quote from Nick Tortelli

Carla: Look, Nick. I'm going to make your day. You're right. I am not coming to your wedding.
Nick Tortelli: No! I'm aghast!
Carla: You knew it the whole time.
Nick Tortelli: Sure I knew. You didn't want to be humiliated with all the people whispering at the ceremony. "Boy, look how much better Nick did this time."
Sam: Carla, honey, are you sure you won't change your mind? Uh, I think we'll have a lot of fun at this wedding.
Carla: Uh, what about the weekend in the country?
Diane: Well, you two can go away after the ceremony. This wedding is special.
Sam: What do you say, huh?
Nick Tortelli: Wait, wait, wait. You and Sam, you're a couple?
Sam: Yeah, she put up quite a fight but I finally got her.
Nick Tortelli: Sam, I thought you was cool.
Loretta: That's us, honey. I guess the cabbie's tired of waiting.
Nick Tortelli: Yeah, I don't want to make him angry. We'll see you two at the wedding.
Sam: We'll be there.
Nick Tortelli: This is eerie.

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