Nick Tortelli: Carla, see reason.
Norm: Now, look, why don't you take out an ad in the paper. You never really know what the kid's going to look like, but I can't believe that you'd be fussy.
Nick Tortelli: What is this, Days of Our Lives? I want my own. I don't want somebody else's. Mind your own businesses.

Nick Tortelli: Carla, I didn't think you'd be so cold-hearted, but as you are, I have no choice but to do what I'm trying to avoid at all costs.
Carla: What, breathe through your nose?
Nick Tortelli: No. I'm taking you to court.
Carla: Hey, you can't do that.
Nick Tortelli: Oh, no? I happen to have an attorney, Carla, and he assures me that I got a very good case. In fact, he thinks I can get all five kids and you as a maid. I'm letting you off easy.

Carla: Nick, even if I wanted to give you those kids, they wouldn't want to go with you. The young ones don't know who you are, the old ones hate your guts.
Nick Tortelli: I don't believe what I'm hearing. Anthony loves me.
Carla: No, he doesn't. He's the oldest. He's the one who best remembers you walking out on him. He thinks you're a creep.
Nick Tortelli: He thinks I'm cool.
Carla: He calls you scuzball.
Nick Tortelli: He didn't learn language like that from me.
Carla: He didn't learn anything from you!
Sam: Hey, come on. We're getting complaints from the nuclear testing range next door.

Sam: So how you doing? You still in the TV-repair business?
Nick Tortelli: Oh, that's a sideline now. I'm into bigger and better things.
Sam: What do you got there? Oh. "Nick's Talent Emporium, Hi-Class Talent for Less. Nick Tortelli, Talent Manager." Well, I'll be darned. [goes to pocket the business card]
Nick Tortelli: Uh, I only got one.

Serafina: Daddy, this is my fiance, Pat.
Pat McDougall: Nice to meet you, sir.
Nick Tortelli: Aw, enough of the chit-chat. Step into my office. How do you propose to, uh, support my progeny?
Pat McDougall: Well, I'm a retired police officer and currently living off disability.
Nick Tortelli: What is the nature of your injury?
Paul: Whiplash.
Nick Tortelli: Very good, difficult to disprove. Very bright.
Pat McDougall: Thank you, sir.
Nick Tortelli: Bright enough to invest?
Pat McDougall: Pardon me?
Nick Tortelli: Bright enough to place your future and the future of your entire progeny in the orang-utan act?

Nick Tortelli: Carla, listen, l, I understand your feelings very well. I know some people probably thought I was a bad father and maybe I was and maybe I wasn't, and maybe I was. I speak to you from the bottom of my heart and guts, that these last few years without family has been very empty for me. All I've had is Loretta. No offense.
Loretta: None taken.
Nick Tortelli: I've come to learn that the most important thing is family. Yeah, I know, I come at this late date for Serafina's wedding, but I thought it would be a first step, in realigning myself with my offspring and then becoming truly a paternity figure. [Carla comes out of the office]
Carla: So you want to be a father. You want to get back in your kids' lives, huh?
Nick Tortelli: Absolutely.
Carla: Come over here. Let's go. Over here we have ten kids. Some of them are yours. Identify three, and you can stay. Otherwise you're out of here.
Nick Tortelli: Is this a test?
Carla: You're stalling.
Nick Tortelli: Ah... Give me some time to gather my momentum.

Carla: Look, Nick. I'm going to make your day. You're right. I am not coming to your wedding.
Nick Tortelli: No! I'm aghast!
Carla: You knew it the whole time.
Nick Tortelli: Sure I knew. You didn't want to be humiliated with all the people whispering at the ceremony. "Boy, look how much better Nick did this time."
Sam: Carla, honey, are you sure you won't change your mind? Uh, I think we'll have a lot of fun at this wedding.
Carla: Uh, what about the weekend in the country?
Diane: Well, you two can go away after the ceremony. This wedding is special.
Sam: What do you say, huh?
Nick Tortelli: Wait, wait, wait. You and Sam, you're a couple?
Sam: Yeah, she put up quite a fight but I finally got her.
Nick Tortelli: Sam, I thought you was cool.
Loretta: That's us, honey. I guess the cabbie's tired of waiting.
Nick Tortelli: Yeah, I don't want to make him angry. We'll see you two at the wedding.
Sam: We'll be there.
Nick Tortelli: This is eerie.

Loretta: Nick, we're gonna miss the bus.
Nick Tortelli: Keep your pants on. This will only take five minutes. We've got forever together. You know, the way yous twos were carrying on at my wedding, all lovey-dovey and all that... I want to know, how long has this been going on between you two?
Carla: What's it to you?
Nick Tortelli: Answer the question. You been seeing him while we were married?
Carla: No. I was always faithful to you. Were you seeing Loretta when we were married?
Nick Tortelli: What am l, on trial here? The important thing is, if you were seeing him when we were married, our marriage was a lie.
Sam: You know, Nick, she's taken enough abuse from you. If you don't knock it off, I'm gonna take you outside and teach you some manners.
Carla: [gasps] This'll be great. Nick's a bleeder.

Nick Tortelli: I want you back.
Carla: Nick, you just got married. Your bride is standing over there.
Nick Tortelli: Easy come, easy go. I'll lose her in the bus station. That's where I found her. [blows a kiss to Loretta]
Carla: Are you nuts? You've still got wedding cake in the corners of your mouth.
Nick Tortelli: I don't know what it is. But every time I looked at you today, I said to myself, "Carla's not so bad." Maybe I was making a mistake. I don't know what it is. What do you say, Carla?
Carla: I know what it is. You saw me with Sam today. And you saw that somebody else wanted me so you wanted me back. Well, forget it. I wouldn't make the same mistake twice.
Nick Tortelli: Sure. I'll forget it, if you can forget this. [kisses Carla]
Sam: So how's married life treating you, huh?
Loretta: Oh, I don't feel so different.
Nick Tortelli: So? What do you say, Carla?
Carla: Nothing, Nick. The magic is gone. I got myself a better guy.
Nick Tortelli: Well, I took a shot. Loretta, you're up! [to Carla] By the way, I don't appreciate you coming to the wedding in the dress you married me in. Boy, am I primed for this honeymoon.

Carla: Wait a minute, do that again.
Nick Tortelli: Can't get enough of it, huh? [kisses Carla]
Carla: Nothing.
Nick Tortelli: Nothing?
Carla: Zero! [Nick kisses her once more] You should have stopped at your dumb look.
Nick Tortelli: What are you talking about?
Carla: I'm talking about this! [screws up the paper]
Nick Tortelli: Wow, I'm impressed. I didn't think you had it in you. This is the first time you stood up to me. You resisted my charms. You win.
Carla: Hey, hey, wait a minute, there. I know better than that. Your heart wasn't in it. You know how much that kid meant to me.
Nick Tortelli: What are you talking about? I did my best. Maybe I don't have it any more.
Carla: You have more of it now than you ever did. You just went easy on me.
Nick Tortelli: I busted a gut!
Carla: Nick. You went easy on me, didn't you?
Nick Tortelli: Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't. [tosses Carla the paper]
Carla: Well, if you did, thanks. [kisses him on the cheek] And if you didn't... [bounces the paper of Nick's forehead]
Nick Tortelli: Take care.