Maeby: How 'bout I come with you? I mean, I could help you prepare.
Tobias: Yes, well, it's for a con man, which I don't think you know anything about. And besides, don't you have school?
Maeby: No. Um... Today is "Help Your Dad Follow His Dream" day.
Tobias: [chuckles] Great. We can take the carpool lane.

Narrator: In fact, she was overseeing a remake of The Old Man And The Sea for the film studio where she'd bluffed her way into a job.
Maeby: What on earth is taking so long? Am I the only one who wants to get home and see their kids?

Michael: George Michael, I don't think you should be going on this Promise Land thing.
George Michael: What? Why? Because I'd miss school?
Michael: No.
Maeby: You get to miss school for that?
Narrator: And that's when Maeby decided to become a devout Christian.
Maeby: Do you guys know where I could get one of those gold necklaces with the "T" on it?
Michael: That's a cross.
Maeby: Across from where?

Tobias: Hello, young lady. I haven't seen you in a week.
Maeby: Oh. Right. That means Mrs. Featherbottom isn't here. Which means she didn't iron my blouse which means I don't have anything to wear for my premiere. The premier... of Canada. He's going out with my gym teacher.
Narrator: Maeby was actually referring to the premiere of a film from the studio where she had conned her way into a job.
[flashback:]
Maeby: Oh, hey, Jeff. Did you get a chance to do coverage on "Voices in America: History and Perspective"?
Jeff: Yeah. I looked that up. It's a ninth grade history textbook.
Maeby: Yeah. And if I don't get your report on it, I won't be able to pass... on it. Because I have a feeling it's a piece of [bleep]
[present:]
Narrator: Unfortunately, the job was wreaking havoc with her language.
Maeby: Maybe we just need a new [bleep] housekeeper.
Tobias: Okay. I'm sure she would have ironed it for you had you told her about it before she changed out of her bloody work clothes. But I am off then.
Maeby: Well, I gotta keep him trying. And that is the job.

Narrator: And that's how Lindsay ended up receiving this spiritual advice.
Maeby: You are so full of [bleep].
Lindsay: Yeah, yeah.
Maeby: Pull your head out of the sand. Love is where you left it.
Lindsay: The only person back home is Tobias.
Maeby: You have no children?
Lindsay: No. Why do you ask? Well, yes, a daughter. She's away at boarding school in England.
Maeby: Is that where we left it?
Narrator: Although you'd think this would have given her away.
Lindsay: Hug?
Maeby: Please don't squeeze the shaman.

Narrator: And soon, she was pimping out George Michael's software company as well.
Maeby: Fakeblock, it's exploding. I got my PR company fanning it. I even got it to the attention of Jim Cramer.
George Michael: Jim Cramer?
Maeby: He's a guy I've worked with, and he even mentioned it on Mad Money.
[clip from Mad Money:]
Jim Cramer: This Fakeblock thing is poised to explode! I never do this. Hell, it's not even a stock yet. For all I know, it's not even real! But I think this might be going through the roof! I'm calling it my first hypothetical buy. And this weekend, don't forget to catch me on Gangie IV. Here's a taste. This old lady's crazy! I'm raising the alert level from "Don't Leave the House " to "Board Up Your Windows!"

George Michael: You know, I think we might want to slow down a little bit on the whole Fakeblock thing 'cause I'm still not 100% finished with it.
Maeby: Well, how finished are you with it? 200%? 500%?
George Michael: I also feel like I'm not 100% finished with your math tutoring.

Maeby: [on the phone] He turned actually out to be a teenager, posing as an undercover cop, posing as a teenager. It's hard to explain.
George Michael: No, that actually happened to, like, two of my neighbors at Sudden Valley.
Maeby: Well, they're not putting me in Sudden Valley. I'll tell you that much. That's why I'm here, picking up anything I left behind that might be incriminating. You know? Just panties, leggings, corsets, the sex knobs, and one of those double-headed bondage things with the curly choke leash.
George Michael: That's probably a landline.
Maeby: Ew, gross! She put her ear on that?

Michael: Tobias's friend, his name is Murphybrown, and it's more than just his acting friend.
George Michael: It's his boyfriend.
Maeby: No, it's his son.
George Michael: His boyfriend's son. Oh, I'm sorry, Maeby. Are you jealous?
Maeby: No, of course not. I mean, the guy grew up not even knowing his father. If anything, I'm... jealous.
Michael: Hmm.
Maeby: Yeah, that that is a great word for it.

[Maeby reluctantly answers her phone]
George Michael: [on phone] Maeby? Hello?
Maeby: I think my phone's ringing.
George Michael: Maeby. Hello? Come on. Hello?
Maeby: Hello?
George Michael: It's me. I know you're not old. Can we have a system where I don't have to wait the 40 seconds?
Maeby: Look, I have to be careful, okay? These are not tech-savvy people. The other day, I turned the lounge TV on, and now that's my job. They call me "Buttons" now. Buttons.