Lucille: Don't you judge me. You're the selfish one. You're the one who charged his own brother for a Bluth frozen banana. I mean, it's one banana, Michael. What could it cost, $10?
Michael: You've never actually set foot in a supermarket, have you?

Lucille: I'll have the Ike and Tina Tuna.
Waitress: Plate or platter?
Lucille: I don't understand the question, and I won't respond to it.

Lucille: You know our family motto. We forget, but we never forgive.
Michael: I remember the framed needlepoint.
Lucille: You'll see. In life, you don't want to carry that much hate.
Michael: Although, by not forgiving, you're throwing everything out and just keeping the hate.
George Sr.: Well, how do you think she keeps that figure?

Lottie Dottie: I call to the witness stand Gene Parmesan.
Judge Stanley: Gene Parmesan. Gene Parmesan? Doesn't seem like he's here.
Lottie Dottie: That's impossible. He's a private detective. He'd never be late.
Gene Parmesan: Well, has anyone checked under the new bailiff? [removes fake beard] Gene Parmesan.
Lucille: [shrieks] Gene!
Gene Parmesan: And I swear to tell the truth, so help me God.
Lucille: That never gets old!
Gene Parmesan: I'll tell you something else that never gets old. Whoops. I'm under oath.

Michael: Shouldn't Buster be spending his evenings with women that aren't so much his mother?
Lucille: He's a beautiful boy. They don't appreciate him. It's his glasses. They make him look like a lizard. Plus, he's self-conscious.
Michael: Gee, I wonder why.
Lucille: You're one to talk. When's the last time you went on a date?
Michael: I just haven't met anybody who's not self-absorbed and impossible to have a conversation with.
Lucille: If that's a veiled criticism about me, I won't hear it and I won't respond to it.

Lucille: You can leave tomorrow after my going-away party for Buster. I still can't believe he's going into the army. You know, he's doing it just to spite me.
Michael: Then why are you throwing him a party?
Lucille: Just to spite him.
Michael: You guys have such a healthy thing going.

Lucille: Get me a vodka, rocks.
Michael: Mom, it's breakfast.
Lucille: And a piece of toast.

Lucille: So the family got a little stimmy. Don't make a federal case out of it.

Lucille: Your brother Buster wants to meet me at the beach tomorrow. Do you know what this is about? Because if it's about going in the ocean the answer is no, he's not going in the ocean.
Michael: Well, there are bigger dangers, Mom. Like, say, signing him up for the army during wartime.
Lucille: What the hell was I supposed to do? Michael Moore confronted me in front of the whole country.
Michael: First of all, it wasn't Michael Moore. It was a look-alike. And it wasn't in front of the whole country. It was for a bit on Jimmy Kimmel Live.
Lucille: I don't know who that is, and I don't care to find out.

Michael: Why'd you go off them this time?
Lucille: Well, apparently, mood-altering medication leads to street drugs. That's what this very handsome, young doctor said on The Today Show.
Michael: That was Tom Cruise, the actor.
Lucille: They said he was some kind of scientist.