Lillian: Well, you know, the best thing about Bill getting tenure isn't the money. It's the new-found freedom. He may even have a chance to take a semester off and go on sabbatical.
Bill: And I will, one day. But first, I have to devote myself to my band again, maybe finally go on that tour we've been talking about.
Lillian: Of course. I'm sure there'll be time for all of that. Maybe we can go on tour with you. [laughter]
Coach Long: I mean, nothing says "hard-core funk" like a station wagon filled with your wife and kids.
Lillian: [laughter] I think that sounds nice.

Coach Long: You know what, Lil? Uh, I was thinking on the way to the car, and, um, this ain't right. No, no. No, this ain't right. Mr. Davidson!
Lillian: Uh.
Coach Long: No, no, no, let... let... let... Let me handle this. Okay? Man-to-man.
Lillian: Cliff...
Coach Long: Mr. Davidson!
Mr. Davidson: Yes, Cliff?
Coach Long: We cannot let this woman leave. Okay? She is too vital of an asset to this company.
Mr. Davidson: Uh, Cliff, I don't think you under...
Coach Long: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. L-Listen to me. We need to give her whatever she needs to make her stay. Hell, she can have my parking spot.
Dean: Oh, he... he doesn't know that...
Mr. Davidson: Fine, Cliff. She gets your spot. Welcome back. [exits]
Coach Long: You're welcome. [runs after Davidson] Uh, uh, M-Mr. Davidson? Uh, I'm... I'm sorry. I...
Lillian: All that, even without wearing a dress.

Lillian: Well, he's not half as bad as Kim. Jesus, keep me near the cross.
Vivian: Ooh, yeah. I heard about your little door-slamming fix.
Coach Long: Yeah, we're, uh, remodeling our sun porch, so if you want to come rip some more doors off, come right on over. [laughter]

Coach Long: No, Bill is right. D-Don't be afraid to speak your mind.
Lillian: Like you do when Mr. Davidson's always asking you to work through lunch to help him finish his reports?
Coach Long: Well, who needs 30 minutes for lunch?

Coach Long: Dean, it's okay. Look, I should have never lied to you in the first place, or asked you to keep my secret.
Dean: I'm guessing you and Mrs. Long are having some pretty big problems right now.
Coach Long: Well, Dean, um... problems don't necessarily have to be big for married folk to have them. You understand what I'm saying?
Dean: Yeah. N-No.
Coach Long: [chuckles] Sometimes, there's just problems in a relationship. And it's important for me to remember that I didn't make vows to never have problems. I vowed to work through them. Now, your folks may or may not have any problems, but if they do, me and Mrs. Long will be there for them, too. Your dad can sleep on our couch. [both chuckle]
Bill: Whoa. What makes you think it'll be me? What if Lill's in the wrong? Maybe she'll be the one on your couch.
Coach Long: What, you think I'm here because I'm wrong? Look, she lucky she got to my bag before I got to hers. You understand me? [both laugh]
Bill: Well, you know how that goes. [both chuckle]

Coach Long: I get to sit on the good couch? You must really be desperate.
Bill: [chuckles] You hungry? Thirsty? Can I pour you a scotch?
Coach Long: It's 4:00 in the afternoon, Bill.
Granddaddy Clisby: Boy, boy, you're a sight for sore eyes.
Coach Long: Uh, I see being all cooped up in here hasn't, uh, affected you guys at all.
Granddaddy Clisby: So, what'd I miss at the barbershop, huh? Did Hal patch up with Ida?
Coach Long: Oh, you ain't gonna believe this.
Granddaddy Clisby: Okay.

Bill: So, what's Lester gonna do with his settlement check?
Coach Long: What you think he gonna do with it?
Granddaddy Clisby: Not make Jesus proud, that's for damn sure. [laughter]
Bill: Right there!
Coach Long: And then he gonna try to tell me that he got Eartha Kitt's phone number.