Brick: I actually think we can liven things up a little here. Might be time to crank the Como.
Axl: What?! No! Drugs are not cool! Stay in school!
Brick: I'm talking about Perry Como.
Axl: Perry Como, Crystal Meth... giving them first names doesn't take away the danger! What is happening to you?!
Brick: Didn't you ever listen to Aunt Edie's old records?
Axl: God, no!
Brick: Are you kidding me? Henry Mancini, Andy Williams... That's a boss bunch of cats in that collection. And Perry Como is the bossest of them all. He'd really give this party the kick it needs. [Hutch plays Perry Como's "Papa Loves Mambo"] Yeah! That's what I'm talking about. Just try and not move. You can't.
Hudson: This is not how I thought the party was gonna go, but I'm not mad at it.

Axl: All right, Brick. [music stops] I need to sleep.
Hudson: Me too. I'm really tired. So I don't need no one to read to me.
Brick: Sleep? [scoffs] Is this college or a nursing home? Come on! Let's go do something! Let's Saran Wrap someone's room. Let's do the walk of shame!
Axl: Yeah, that doesn't mean what you think it does.
Brick: Let's pull an all-nighter!
Axl: That just means staying up all night studying.
Brick: Come on! I'm up for anything! [chuckles] I'm at college, man. I want to bite into the grapefruit of life and let the juices drip down my chin, and then immediately put on hydrocortisone because I'm prone to eczema.
Axl: I'm tired! I just want to sleep. It's 2:00 a.m.!
Brick: Hey, it's 5:00 somewhere.
Hudson: Mnh-mnh... that's something else that doesn't mean what you think it does.

Axl: All right, look, I just broke up with April. And then Devin and Cassidy showed up. The universe is telling me to just hold off for now. You know, maybe I just got to hang out with my bros. And my bro. [snaps fingers]
Brick: Well, if you're not ready, you're not ready. But let me share a little story with you. There's a secondhand shop near school that I used to go to every day, and they had this zebra bookmark...
Axl: Write down "syrup pocket." I'll know what it means. Sorry. Continue.
Brick: Every time I'd go in the shop, I'd feel the bookmark. I loved it. The contrast between the black and white, the touch of the synthetic hair. And every day, I'd say, "Tomorrow, I'm gonna come back and buy it." But then I went in there one day, and it was gone.
Axl: If this is your super-not-subtle way of asking me to buy you a bookmark, it's not working.
Brick: Uh, I guess the analogy is clearer to me because I like my women like I like my bookmarks... long and skinny. You've seen Cindy. Growl!
Axl: I'm uncomfortable.

Frankie: How's your spaghetti?
Mike: Good. How's yours?
Frankie: It's good. Brick! How's yours?
Brick: [sitting on the porch] Good! [vehicle approaches] Dad! Code blue! There's a truck! False alarm. Just movers.
Frankie: [v.o.] After the basement flooded, Mike jerry-rigged the pipes, but we needed a professional to come and look at it. We were looking for a plumber off the clock... someone who'd fix it for 20 bucks and a case of beer.
Brick: Dad, this is not a drill! There's a van coming this way! It's a plumber! It's a plumber!
Mike: You're sure?
Brick: It has a picture of a dripping faucet and a self-effacing cartoon of a man with his pants pulled down just enough to show crack.
Mike: Bingo! We have plumber!
Brick: He's coming from the Norwoods' driveway. He's going fast! Hurry!
Mike: Stall him!
[After Brick rolls a ball out into the street, the van comes to a halt. Mike rushes out of the house and over the driver's window]
Mike: Hi. Mike Heck.

Axl: Ugh! This weekend's gonna suck! I'm gonna have to take Brick to the museum and the library and a bunch of other nerd-tractions.
Hutch: Is he gonna want to read stuff to me? 'Cause I don't like being read to.
Axl: Look, I couldn't say no. The kid worships me, man. I mean, I'm, like, the only cool person in the family. And after this weekend, he's got to go back there. It's sad. It's like when Tarzan got to meet fancy people that eat with forks, and then he had to go back to the jungle and live with the apes.
Hudson: Yeah, but Tarzan wanted to go back to the jungle, so the apes are the cool ones.
Axl: Well, then, I'm the apes. Either way, I should send him home with some of my old hair product as a parting gift. [knock on door] Ugh! All right, Brick, Kenny's at a convention, so you can sleep in his chair/bed and/or table. And, uh, first up on the dork tour... I heard the science library's doing something sciency.
Brick: Oh, I'm not here for libraries. I am here to par-tay.

Frankie: [v.o.] I know it's wrong, but they say if you notice any behavioral changes in your child, it's your duty as a mother to snoop. Now, what was her password? "GirlsRock." [buzzer] Shoot! I'm doing this for her. This is my baby, my little princess. "Princess." Ooh! Okay. Uh... Belle? [buzzer] [groans] Crap! Ariel? [buzzer] Crap! What's the name of that Indian one? I mean, Native American one. I don't really need to be politically correct in my head, but it's nice that I am. And I just did that automatically without thinking about it. That proves I'm a really nice person and was not just pretending to be. I wish I had more Black friends. Pocahontas! [buzzer] Damn it!

Frankie: Okay, fine. It's Brick's phone. I was trying to break in to your phone to see who you liked, and I dropped it and cracked it. [Sue gasps] But... And yes, I-I realize that makes me a crazy person. But if you lived through what I lived through with you, you would understand. Like, when you were in kindergarten, we had a special arrangement with the nurse's office so you could call me every day at 10:00 because you missed me so much. And you would only be in Brownies if I was the leader. And people would tell me, "Oh, girls are great when they're little, but wait till she's a teenager." And then you were a teenager, and you were just as delightful, and I thought, "We are gonna be best friends forever." And now...
Sue: Come here, Mom. [opens arms]
Frankie: No. No! You don't want me.
Sue: Yes, I do. [hugs Frankie] Mom, I love you. And I understand why you want to know, but I'm not sure if he likes me, and I'm not sure how much I really like him. So for right now, this is just a fun thing for me to think about. But when I'm ready, you will be the first person I come to to talk about it.
Frankie: Aww! Before Lexie? Before Dad?
Sue: Obviously before Dad. Oh, and, by the way, my password is "SueHeckWins." You might need it in case there's an emergency and you need to call the police. [gasps] Oh, shoot! Lexie!

Frankie: Well... I guess it's probably as good a time as any to tell you... I got you a new phone.
Sue: You did? Why?
Frankie: 'Cause I love you, and it's my right to spoil you. And there ain't nothin' you can do about it.
Sue: This is Brick's phone.
Frankie: No, it's not.
Sue: Then why is Cindy's number in here? And Troy's? And the Orson Library and the Jasper Library and the Library of Congress?

Axl: You know we only got seven more months of community service? I'm actually gonna miss this. Okay. Ugh. It's your turn to do the udder.
Brick: I did the udder last time.
Axl: Fine. Then you do the butt. [Brick takes the brush]

Brick: So... hard to believe you're gonna be done with college soon. I bet there's things you want to do that you didn't even get to.
Axl: [sighs] Never Saran Wrapped someone's room.
Brick: Anything else?
Axl: Eh, never tied someone up and left them in an elevator.
Brick: That's a felony. Anything else? Like maybe inviting your brother up to campus for a weekend of fun, like you said you were gonna do for the past four years but never did?
Axl: That's not true! You came to visit.
Brick: Once. And it was to help you study. We didn't have fun.
Axl: Well, we're having fun right now, little buddy. Court-mandated fun!
Brick: Come on, Axl.
Axl: Look, no offense... I just don't want to be hanging around with a 12-year-old.
Brick: I'm 15.
Axl: What?! Really? Okay, fine. You can come hang. We need tiny hands to feel inside the walls and find out what's running around in there.