Frankie: [v.o.] With all her friends getting their driver's licenses, it was a pain even fro-yo couldn't cure.
Sue: [mouth full] Hey, Mom. Can I talk to you for a sec?
Frankie: Oh, good, Sue. I wanted to talk to you, too. Listen, Mother's Day is this weekend, and I know your dad hasn't planned jack squat. That's why I'm coming to you. You're the girl. You're the only one who gets it. Now I want the Backmaster 2000 from Brickstone. And I want it in yellow. It's $40, and it comes with heat and infra-red rolling balls. You got it? Good.

Frankie: So listen. Mother's Day's coming up. What's the deal? What's going on? What do you know?
Brick: Hmm. I don't know anything, but I'm pretty low on the information food chain. Maybe Dad already got you something.
Frankie: Yeah. I heard that story. Not buying it. Look, I know you're the smart one. That's why I'm coming to you. You're the only one I'm talking to about this. Here's the deal... for once, I just want what I want. I don't need breakfast in bed, I don't need eggs spilled all over my comforter, I don't want a book of hug coupons, and I don't want a card written on the back of an old receipt. I want the Backmaster 2000. It's at Brickstone. It's $40. And I want the one with the heat and the infra-red rolling balls. What do you say?
Brick: [whispers] Rolling balls.
Frankie: Good boy.

Mike: Okay. Here we go. Magazines. Remote. Peach pie from Neptune's grill. Happy Mother's Day.
Frankie: I'm sorry, Mike. I know I was acting crazy. It's just that sometimes as a mom, you know, you... When you're with your kids, you wanna be alone, and then when you're alone, you wanna be with them. It's like, no matter where you are, you feel guilty that you're not in the other place, you know?
Mike: No.
Frankie: No?
Mike: I don't feel guilt that way... ever. Sorry.
Frankie: Jeez. Fathers shouldn't even get a day. No guilt. That must be nice.
Mike: It really is.

Frankie: [v.o.] Mother's Day. It's about more than brunch, corsages, and cards. It's about taking a moment to make that special woman in your life feel extra special.
Mr. Ehlert: This Sunday is Mother's Day, and I've got a real soft spot when it comes to moms, so, Frances, you're gonna need to work so the boys here can spend the day with theirs.
Frankie: But, Mr. Ehlert, I'm an actual mother. I can't work on Mother's Day.
Mr. Ehlert: Hey, maybe you'll get a pity sale. Just look a little more raggedy than usual and put on a sad face. Yeah, that's the one. Okay, back to work.

Mike: What is with you kids? Stop goofing around and get serious. Your mom works hard and she deserves a nice gift that shows her how much we care.
[later:]
Mike: We thought of wrapping it but then didn't.
Frankie: Who needs wrapping? Just takes longer to get to the present. An inflatable foot bath. Wow! Wow.
Mike: You're always saying your feet hurt because you're on them all day, and it's inflatable, so you can take it when you travel.

Frankie: [v.o.] I could tell by the look in his eyes Mike forgot to get me a gift. So I decided to take an extra-long shower. I thought I'd give them time to find me something nice.
Mike: Didn't we just do Valentine's Day? This whole thing's a racket. They trump up these phony holidays just so they can sell you a bunch of crap. If we had any guts, we would just say no to this. That'd be the best gift I could give your Mom, to teach you kids some backbone. [the kids sigh] All right, let's find that gift.

Mike: All right, I'm gonna watch SportsCenter and let you hang out with your kids. It's your day.

Axl: Hey. Hello. Check this out. Could they make it any easier for us? Pre-selected mom gifts right in this bin.
Brick: How about cowboy-boot cleaner?
Axl: I love it. What do you say, Sue? I really think this is it.
Brick: Mm.
Axl: All right. Um... Ooh. What about this? A bowl for watermelon that looks like a watermelon?
Sue: No, I specifically remember mom saying she does not like bowls for things that look like the thing.
Axl: [gasps] Wow. Hey, check this out. This is, like, nice.
Sue: Magazine rack for the bathroom? Hmm? She does have a lot of magazines.
Brick: Plus, she's been spending a lot more time in the bathroom lately. [off their looks] Hey, we've all noticed.

Sue: Okay, it's hard to know what she has in that house, so let's just get her something personal.
Brick: Hey, this looks like a real diamond, and it's only 7 bucks.
Sue: When have you ever seen a real diamond?
Brick: When has mom? Ooh. This turquoise looks pretty. It'll match her eyes.
Sue: Mom doesn't have blue eyes.
Axl: Yeah, but she does have that blue vein in her neck when she gets mad.
Sue: [gasps] Right.
Axl: Oh, perfect. 30 bucks, and it'll match her mad vein. Done.

Frankie: [v.o.] Out here in the middle, there's a day that every mother looks forward to all year long.
Frankie: That's it. I'm putting a bullet in Mother's Day.
Sue: What? What are you talking about?
Frankie: I thought about it, and after 22 years, I don't want any more yellow pants or a gift card for laser tag or half a burrito at 11:59 p.m. I'm gonna save us all a lot of heartbreak and call Mother's Day. It's done. And I promise I'm good with it.
Axl: Don't listen to her, Dad. It's a trap.
Mike: Yeah, I'm staying on high alert.