Shawn: All right, idiots, this is our 52 of the 4,000-hour presentation on the future of torture.
Jason: He's gonna be on stage for 4,000 hours?
Michael: Shh.
Jason: Here's what I think. We should throw a Molotov...
Michael: Jason!
Jason: What? I didn't say cocktail. I could've meant Molotov anything. You don't know.

Janet: [blows up tunnel] That ought to stop them from following us.
Michael: So smart. Nice to have you back, Janet.
Janet: It must've been hard for you to go back there.
Michael: It was. I don't like thinking about who I used to be.
Jason: Listen, Michael, it's okay to feel or plead guilty about bad things you used to do, but you don't have to feel shame about who you were because you are not a demon anymore. You're just like a nice weird happy old dude.

Janet: Thanks for rescuing me. I missed you so much.
Jason: I missed you too. Bad Janet was so mean to me. She told me so many lies. Like she said the Jags cut Blake Bortles. Can you believe that?
Janet: Oh, no. Jason, that wasn't a lie. Blake Bortles was cut by the Jaguars.
Jason: What? How? Why? Who's their QB now?
Janet: A man named Nick Foles.
Jason: Nick Foles? Are you kidding me? He won a Super Bowl! We're gonna be unstoppable! Foles!
Janet: Foles!
Michael: Foles!
Janet: Oh, no. Nick Foles just broke his clavicle.
Jason: Nooo!

Chidi: Not the best argument, but you're right. What is something spontaneous that I can do right now? Let's come up with a list of ten possibilities and then slowly whittle it down over the next four days.
Jason: Better idea: let's dance, baby. Huh? Get you out of your head. This is how we defeat Igby, the no-fun nerd. [both dance]
Chidi: Oh. Look at old Igby move!
Jason: There you go.
Chidi: Yeah, I've never heard this before. Who is it?
Jason: Me, I wrote it. The song is called, "I'll Love You Forever (Make that Booty Bounce in the Bath)". Oh, fun fact: the police sirens in the background are real. I was being chased as I recorded it.
Chidi: Okay, okay! Oh, no.
John: Oh, my Gaga.

Jason: I could set my robes on fire and try and get Brent to put it out.
Eleanor: I know you're only suggesting that because you've repeatedly said you would look "dope" in flaming monk robes, but that's actually not a bad idea. Force him to help someone without actually thinking about it.

Matt: Well, that's just... that's uncomfortable. Oh, hey, guys. What's up?
Michael: What's up? Tell us what happened. Did we win? Did we lose?
Tahani: Is humanity saved forever?
Jason: And did you find my Nintendo? I can't find it any... whoop. Never mind. I'm holding it.

Tahani: Hang on. This is how we take our minds off the Judge's ruling. Let's throw ourselves the funeral to end all funerals.
Jason: Awesome. And you know what they say in Florida: "If you don't like this funeral, just wait a minute."

Tahani: Jason, at the risk of getting an answer that might thoroughly depress me, what made you choose this setting?
Jason: There's a Jacksonville tradition of having your funeral where you were born. I got born in the deep end of a pool right after my mom did a cannonball.
Tahani: Well, I knew the risks.
Eleanor: You never really talk about your mom.
Jason: Yeah, she died when I was pretty young. I lost her to the big C. That's what we called the crocodile that lived by my house. I'm just playing. It was cancer. Watch me do a handstand.

Judge: What are you guys still doing here? Just go back to Mindy's and have a lukewarm beer, and wait for me to end you there. [to Chidi] Except for you, cookie-puss. I'll always make room for you. [disappears into Disco Janet's void]
Michael: Wait a second. That's it.
Jason: I agree. Chidi should hook up with the Judge to get us out of trouble. I'd done that a bunch of times. It's called a Jacksonville plea bargain.

Jason: [laughs] Oh, man. What a legend.
Eleanor: Ooh, who you reading about?
Jason: Me. I ruled on Earth. I siphoned so much gas, Eleanor. Even if the car was moving or on fire or a boat, I still always got that gas.