John: Did you guys find anything?
Simone: Yes, proof that the four of us, and only the four of us, are being forked with.
Chidi: But we still don't have any hard proof that this place is evil or that Michael and Eleanor are nefarious, so, you know, no one's heart needs to break just yet.
Brent: Yeah, I'm with him. This place is fine. Hey, if you guys don't make the cut up to the Best Place, I'll try to put in a good word for you. You guys got business cards?

Michael: Brent, I'm so sorry. I must have screwed up the trick somehow. Hold on, we're gonna get you out of there.
Brent: Yeah, you better! I got a hell of a lawsuit on my hands. I'm gonna frickin' own this place.
Michael: Okay.

Brent: [o.s.] Hey, Chidi, shake it off. Another bus comes every 15 minutes.
Chidi: Brent.

Brent: Hang on, hang on. So, you can never tell a woman to smile? What if she'd legitimately be prettier if she smiled? Aren't I helping her?

Eleanor: Frankly, I'm glad she's boring. We have enough to worry about. How is Brent doing?
Janet: About the same, I'd say.
Brent: [to other party-goers] Princeton. Graduated in the top half of the bottom half of my class. Rowing team, sailing team, class president... I hung out with all those guys.

Eleanor: Yes, because remember, every picture from tonight will have something to do with your lives on Earth, so you can get to know each other a little bit better. Okay, Blue Team, you're up.
Brent: Go get 'em, chippy.
Eleanor: Chidi, it's your turn.
Chidi: Oh. I'm a pretty decent artist, but I'm not so great under pressure.
Janet: Your time begins now.
Chidi: Ooh, boy. Okay.
Simone: You got this, Chidi.
Chidi: I'm sorry. I'm just trying to figure out how to start.
Brent: Come on. Just start drawing, my brotha.
Simone: Oh, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no. No.

Chidi: Okay, so what do we do, try to climb down or wait for the rope?
Simone: Neither, we get the fork outta here.
John: Chidi, a giant hell-hole just opened up and swallowed one of us. I don't care what this place really is. Giant holes are bad, and we should go.
Chidi: Or giant holes are bad, so if someone falls into one, you try to help get him out. [ground rumbles] Whoa.
Brent: [o.s.] I'm not scared! I'm shouting so you know I'm okay. I am very brave.

Eleanor: Where are they?
Janet: They never called a train. They must have taken Brent's Escalade.
Michael: Oh, that's good. The important thing is that the group bonded and stayed together.
Brent: [o.s.] Hello! Could someone help us?
Eleanor: Us?
Brent: Yeah. This frickin' genius tried to help me and he fell in. I thought you were smart, man.
Chidi: Are you serious right now?
Eleanor: Well, turns out, the group did not bond. The group snapped in half.

Chidi: Will you help us? These rocks are really sharp down here. I'm scared.
Brent: I'm not.

Brent: Man, crazy twist, huh? It's like something out of a Chip Driver novel.
Chidi: Leave me alone, Brent.
Brent: I'm kind of freaking out over here, man. You're my only real friend.
Chidi: I'm not your friend. I don't even like you.
Brent: But you helped me.
Chidi: Yeah, I did. Because I have this stupid moral code that forces me to help everyone. But you have never helped anyone because you don't care about other people, which is the bare minimum that a person has to do, just care a little about the other people around you, and you can't do it.
Brent: What are you trying to say here?
Chidi: You are a bad person.