Michael: Walk me through this, Brent. I'm not sure we follow.
Brent: Well, I've been feeling this way for a while now. I mean, this can't be all the afterlife has to offer, not to the cream of the crop. I mean, if this is heaven, then where are my guys? Where's Scotty and Schultzy and Porcupine? Where's White Guillermo, and where is Mexican William and what about Squirtman?
Eleanor: Well, he makes a good point. What about Squirtman?
Brent: Also, frankly, my assistant Janet is a little uptight. I mean, she hasn't worn any of my gifts.
Michael: Have you been asking Janet to make herself clothes, that you give back to her?
Eleanor: Yeah, you're doing the math right there, bud.
Brent: Look, this chaos, which is clearly all about me, is a sign. If this is the Good Place, I belong in the Best Place. So, figure it out, get back to me. Okay? [walks off]
Eleanor: [to Michael] I'm gonna go punch a wall with my head. I'll meet up with you later.

Michael: Brent? This conversation must remain confidential.
Brent: Okay.
Eleanor: Obviously, you're a very smart guy.
Brent: Yes.
Eleanor: But we need to know that we can trust you with sensitive information.
Brent: You can. I routinely buried HR complaints. So, no problem.

Eleanor: Okay, okay, okay. You know what? Magic Pictionary is over now, so let's all go home and get some sleep.
Brent: You guys want me to kill it? I've shot a lot of race horses.

Eleanor: When we don't have Janet, we like to refresh your memories of your old lives when you did things for yourselves. We call it Earth Day. And yes, we know that's a thing on Earth, but what are they gonna do? Sue us? [laughs] So get ready for some fun, lo-fi activities. This group over here is gonna knit. You folks are gonna do your favorite activity, gardening.
Brent: Oh, man, we better get something better than that.
Eleanor: And you five are going to a gorgeous remote lake house. Swimming, water skiing, the works.
Brent: [chuckles] Suck it, gardeners!
Simone: Why do I feel like that's not the first time he's screamed those words?

Brent: Congrats again on the gin rummy win. I thought I was gonna take you down because I used to play all the time back in college.
Simone: Oh, you went to Rutgers, right?
Brent: No, I went to Princeton.
Simone: Yeah, I know. I'm messing with you.
Brent: [chuckles] Nice one! Hey, you were joking though, right? You know it's Princeton?

Michael: It was a real high point. The ski trip, I mean. Not the completely rigged hotness contest. All in all, it was the best we'd ever felt about the experiment. And then, Brent did something... very Brentian.
Bad Janet: Who could have predicted that?
[flashback:]
Brent: Oh, hey, ski bunnies! So, great news. I wrote a book. And since you're my nerdiest friends, you get to be the first to read it.
Chidi: "Six Feet Under Par: A Chip Driver Mystery."
Brent: Yeah, it's half spy novel, half murder mystery. It's also half submarine adventure, half erotic memoir, and half political thriller. It's also half golf tutorial and half commentary on society.
Simone: So it's 3 1/2 books in one?
Brent: At least. So read it ASAP. I'm having a book-signing party and I want you to introduce me. You know, talk about how great it is.
Simone: Oh.
Brent: Party's in two days, so chop-chop.

Brent: I didn't take you for a linksman.
Michael: I appreciate golf. As Ben Hogan once said, "The most important shot in golf is the next one." That's a lovely idea. If you make a mistake, you'll always have a chance to redeem yourself.
Brent: Yeah, well, as John Daly once said to David Lee Roth at the 2002 Chili's Pro-Am in Orlando: "Suck on this drive, buttmunch." Whoo! Nailed it! That was a flusher, but she sank.
Michael: Perhaps an adept linksman like yourself should play with the assistance filter turned off? Let's play old-school.
Brent: All right. Why not? Fork! You sneezed, man.
Michael: I don't think I did, because I literally can't.
Brent: Well, somebody sneezed. Damn it!
Michael: Brent, buddy, nobody sneezed. You hit a bad shot, and it's fine. You know, it isn't a sign of weakness to admit that you screwed up.
Brent: Fine, whatever. I shanked it.
Michael: There you go. Now, let's go find your ball and try to do better on your next shot. And you know, if this ends up applying to any other aspect of your life later on, then cool.
Brent: What?
Michael: What? Nothing.

Brent: Hey, there they are! Charlie's Angels. Ooh. So did you finish the book? What did you think?
Tahani: Well, very interesting word choices. I've definitely never seen the word "pants-tent" used so many times.
Brent: Yeah, I kind of just felt like, in that moment, that that's what the Surgeon General would say. What else? Let's hear some more complos. Compliments. For when you introduce me.
Simone: Just writing a book is an amazing accomplishment.
Brent: You bet your butt it is. The story is incredible, too. I mean, Chip solves the mystery on page ten. Greatest detective ever! So hop on up there and just speak from the heart about how it's your favorite book ever.
Simone: Actually, I have to say, um... the Scarlett Pakistan character is clearly based on Tahani, and it's not exactly flattering.
Brent: Not flattering? I said she's got huge ones. Ultimate complo!
Michael: Yeah, say there, Brent, remember our conversation about making mistakes and how the most important shot is the next one?
Brent: Hang on a second. You guys agree with her? Unreal! I didn't ask to get yelled at by the PC police. You know, I was gonna give you 10% off the cover price. But now you're gonna have to pay the full 65 bucks like everybody else.
Michael: There's no money here.
Brent: The book event is cancelled because of these mean women.

Brent: This is a disgrace! I accomplished something. I wrote a novel, and now my integrity's being attacked. I've been called racist, sexist. I don't have a racist or sexist bone in my body. I am Brent Norwalk, and I'm a good person. I'm in the Good Place. You ever heard of it? And I'm here because I deserve to be here. I'm here because I earned it by being the best.
Simone: Ugh, you're ridiculous.
Brent: Yeah, and you're a condescending bench.
Chidi: Oh, uh, don't talk to her that way, please. Hey, I have an idea. Let me summon a few philosophical works we can use to...
Brent: Ugh! Oh, enough with the friggin' books, Igby. Yeah, that's right. You probably don't know this, but that character is based on you.
Chidi: No, I... I knew it, man. Oh, look out.
Brent: Ah, I'm being attacked again!
Chidi: Sorry, that was unintentional...
Brent: Fork you!
Eleanor: So I'm thinking bagel bites. For the snack.

Brent: Hey, gang. Had a pretty good round today. Better close this door. I don't want all those birdies to follow me in here. [laughs] [throws sweaty t-shirt at Chidi]
Chidi: Why?
John: Okay, Brent, hurry up and change so we can get to the party.
Brent: Oh, right, hang on. Uh, Janet gave me this. Tuxedo in a can. [can pops] Ooh, you know, I came this close to firing Janet, but she's gotten a lot better.