Philip: Vivian, you don't expect me to condone his behavior.
Vivian: Baby, I know that falling asleep is not a good thing. But your own secretary has said that she's had to nudge you awake after you've had Mexican food.
Philip: Only after the El Presidente Platter.
Vivian: And he should go to practice, but it is an extracurricular activity. It's a lot like you going to the gym, and, as I recall, the last time you were there I think the Jeffersons were still trying to move on up.
Philip: That's different. I'm starting back Monday.

Philip: It's Vivian. I don't know what's gotten into her. This morning she told me that I've become too...
Geoffrey: Predictable, sir?
Philip: Yes, that's exactly what she said. She said that I wear the same...
Geoffrey: Blue shirt every weekend, sir?
Philip: Yes, I mean, just because a man has...
Geoffrey: Froot Loops every morning.
Philip: Just because I watch...
Geoffrey: Legal Beagles every night.
Philip: Does that mean that I've become predictable?
Geoffrey: Absolutely not, sir. Why, you're a regular hotbed of spontaneity. You're welcome.
Philip: Thank you.

Hilary: Well, where did you get this thing?
Ashley: They were passing them out at school.
Will: Hey, hey, hey. What's that?
Hilary: The I Hate Hilary newsletter.
Will: "Dedicated to the premise that weathercaster Hilary Banks is a... boob."
Hilary: Get to the insulting part.
Will: "Hilary Banks doesn't know the difference between a cirrus cloud and a cumulus cloud." What is the difference?
Hilary: Will, look around. Do you see my TelePrompTer here? "Hilary's knowledge of the weather is as skimpy as those ridiculous outfits she wears on the air." I mean, it's one thing to attack my performance, but my wardrobe? I don't think so.

Carlton: Look, please don't do this to me. Do you want me to beg? I'm begging you. Anything you want. You know, my sister Hilary's not bad-looking and after two drinks or so she'll do just about anything, so...
Ed: Are you through?
Carlton: My dad's got money. A lot of money. And if you played your cards right he just might...
Ed: Goodbye.
Carlton: Look, Ed you seem like an intelligent man. A man who knows what's good for himself. Accepting me would be very good for you, Ed, because I have friends. Big friends. Big friends with lots of body hair and mozzarella on their breath. Capisce?
Ed: Correct me if I'm wrong, but was that a death threat? Hmm?

Carlton: She's in here. Look, whatever you do, don't mention her chins.
Will: Or her ankles. Or her feet. Oh, and whatever you do, never ever feed her after midnight.

Hilary: Excuse me. I'd like some information about your, um, inventory.
Clerk: Are you looking for something specific?
Hilary: What have you got in a hunk?

Philip: Vivian, I'm sorry. It's just that it's been so peaceful here since Will's been in Philly. And, boarding school's not so bad, is it, Geoffrey? Geoffrey went to boarding school. Tell her, Geoffrey.
Geoffrey: Madam, I went to boarding school. ... And then I went to therapy.
Philip: Who asked you? Get my lunch.
Geoffrey: Right away, sir. The man has a tapeworm.