Christine St. George: Now, before we go, I'd like to introduce the newest family member of What's Up Wisconsin. She's my assistant. She's Jackie Burkhart. Come on, honey. Come on in here.
Jackie: Oh, my God, I'm on TV. Well, for all of you watching in black and white, I am wearing a navy twin set, and my eye shadow is periwinkle blue.

Jackie: Okay, Miss St. George, I'm really sorry.
Christine St. George: No. What you showed me just now proves that you are a sweet, honest, young woman. And that crap will get you nowhere in show business.
Jackie: So what? I'm supposed to lie and cheat and take credit for other people's work?
Christine St. George: That's how I paid for my Mercedes. You can't be afraid to be tough.
Jackie: Oh, I'm tough. I'm very, very tough. People always say what a bitch I am.
Christine St. George: Well, for your sake, I hope they're right. Now, please. Get this crazy lady off my set.
Kitty: Coming up next, a potato chip that looks like Henry Kissinger. [hums]
Christine St. George: See if you can find that potato chip. It sounds fascinating.

Christine St. George: Jackie, dear, thank you for booking that lovely couple on our Fools for Love piece.
Jackie: I know, that guy was so cute. You know, he said no matter where he went he always heard his wife's voice saying, "I love you."
Christine St. George: Ah! Well, apparently another voice in his head told him to push her off a Ferris wheel.
Jackie: Oh, my God! Oh, no, no, no, no, that's horrible!
Christine St. George: It's a tragedy! We don't have a couple for today's show. You've got three hours to find another one or you're fired! Oh, I'm just kidding. No, I'm not. [exits] [returns] Seriously, Jackie, just kidding about firing you.
Jackie: [answers phone] Christine St. George's office.
Christine St. George: [on the phone] I wasn't kidding.
Receptionist: Psst, Jackie. Come here.
Jackie: Oh, what do you want?
Receptionist: I wanted to say don't worry. It'll all work out between you and Christine.
Jackie: Oh. Well, thanks. [answers phone] Christine St. George's office.
Receptionist: [on the phone] You're gonna get fired! You're gonna get fired! [laughs]

Jackie: Ugh, Fez. I have to find a happy couple for Christine to interview today or I'm fired.
Fez: What about Red and Miss Kitty?
Jackie: Ugh. I might as well just book that painting of the old lady and the geezer with the pitchfork!

Jackie: Miss St. George, are you okay?
Christine St. George: Yes, this happens to me every Valentine's Day. I see a couple in love and it reminds me that I am missing the one thing that every woman needs to feel good about herself.
Jackie: A friend that's fatter then you?
Christine St. George: Love! I sacrificed love for my career and sometimes I think I maybe did the wrong thing. Have a drink with me.
Jackie: Really?
Christine St. George: Tell me all about yourself. Who you are, what makes you tick.
Jackie: Well, um...
Christine St. George: No! Let's go back to me. I was born in a small hamlet just outside a little place I like to call New York.
[later:]
Christine St. George: And so I returned safely to base camp, that half-frozen Sherpa on my back. There's a famous Tibetan folksong about it.
Jackie: Wow. You're incredible.
Christine St. George: So are you. Here's to you, dear.
Jackie: No, to you, Miss St. George.
Christine St. George: Well, that's what I meant. Why on God's green earth would I drink to you? You're cut off.

Christine St. George: Jackie, come in. Please. I just wanna thank you for yesterday. I feel we really bonded, as much as a star can bond with a commoner.
Jackie: Well, I'm really glad that we talked. You know, I got to see there's a real person in there. Someone with hopes and fears and emotions.
Christine St. George: Well, I'm only human. And you snuck a rare peek behind my iron curtain, didn't you?
Jackie: I know. You know, I really feel like I got to know you better.
Christine St. George: Yes, you did, and so you're fired.
Jackie: Wait, what?
Christine St. George: I cannot have an employee know so much about me. And since your TV career is finished, may I suggest bartending? You pour a mean Scotch, lady.
Jackie: No, no, no, this isn't fair. I worked my butt off for you.
Christine St. George: Thank you. Out you go. Go on. Go on.
Jackie: Okay, all right, you know what? Nobody here likes you. They only pretend to like you because you're famous.
Christine St. George: And I pretend to like them because they bring me lunch.
Jackie: Oh, God! You are a crazy, bitter lady with a hole where your heart should be!
Christine St. George: Now, is that supposed to hurt me? I have a mug that says that. [puts feet on the desk]
Jackie: Those shoes are so last season!
Christine St. George: Rot in hell, you worthless maggot!

Jackie: Oh, Fez, thank you so much for getting me a job as a hair consultant.
Fez: Well, I told my boss that you were reliable and hard-working.
Jackie: Aw, you lied for me.

Jackie: See? Now, this is the kind of house I want. And I know that if I work hard enough, I can find a sucker to buy it for me.

Jackie: Oh, cool! Peter Frampton gave you a signed guitar. Hey, you know what? I have a handful of his hair. And one of them has a little piece of skin on the end of it.
Hyde: Yeah. She keeps it next to Leif Garrett's used Q-tip.
Jackie: Hey, I had to kiss a roadie named Larry for that one.

Jackie: You know, all this cleaning is actually kind of satisfying. You know, I bet my maid is thrilled she is not a doctor in her country any more.