Janitor: [hums dirge; high-pitched voice] Gee, is he gonna make it? Well, it doesn't look good. Yay!

J.D.: Alrighty. What do we have here?
Dr. Douglas: What you've got here, young man, are four cases of Legionnaires' pneumonia.
Dr. Lamar: So I would start us out on IV aminoglycosides.
Dr. Bailey: Now make sure you check for urinary legionella antigen.
Dr. Franklyn: I don't know, it could be viral, considering my gastrointestinal situation.
Dr. Bailey: Here comes the fart joke.
Dr. Franklyn: No, no, no, really. I think I may have strep pneumo.
Dr. Douglas: All four of us are doctors.
J.D.: Let me guess. Golf cart accident? [all groan] Playing.
Dr. Lamar: Medical convention.

Dr. Douglas: So, junior, what's with the antecubital venipuncture?
J.D.: Oh, I got hit with the business-end of one of my hep B patients' syringes last night.
Dr. Douglas: I once had a colleague who got bit by a patient with rabies.
J.D.: He's OK, right?
Dr. Douglas: No, he died.
Dr. Bailey: A friend of mine from med school contracted leprosy. They had to amputate one of his toes. Just [popping sound] popped it right off.
Dr. Lamar: Oh, but hepatitis. Scary stuff.
J.D.: I'll be OK.
Dr. Franklyn: Oh, maybe.
J.D.: I, uh, have to go check on a thing... [exits]
Dr. Douglas: [all laugh] To interns.

J.D.: [v.o.] I won't let those doctors scare me. John Dorian always get right back on the horse.
Carla: I'm so sorry you're alone, Mr. Winston, but meningococcus is highly contagious.
Mr. Winston: I don't have anyone to talk to.
J.D.: Good news, friend. The doctor is in. [laughs]
Mr. Winston: I asked for a newspaper, and they gave me Judy Blume books from Paediatrics.
J.D.: I don't know anything about those. [Carla leaves] You have to read Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing. Completely turned high school around for me.

Dr. Kelso: Let's see who's on their game today and start off with a case of pheochromocytoma. What is the initial test choise, Dr. Reid?
Elliot: 24-hour urinary metanephrines?
Dr. Kelso: Right-o. And what is your preoperative treatment?
Elliot: ACE inhibitors?
Dr. Kelso: Wrong-o. Why don't you attempt to crawl out of your shame hole, Dr. Reid, and tell me the aetiology of hypocalcaemia in sarcoidosis. [Elliot is stumped] Gutter ball! Dr. Reid, yesterday you were running around my hospital half-naked.
Dr. Simotas: Yeah, baby.
Dr. Kelso: Today you're mucking up my rounds. Is your ponytail too tight? Perhaps you have a mild case of the boogie-woogie flu? Something is different, because you, my dear, are slipping. Next patient.

Dr. Cox: The key to my exercise program is this one simple truth: I hate my body.
Turk: What?
Dr. Cox: Do you understand the second you look in the mirror and you're happy with what you see, baby, you just lost the battle.
Turk: You should give speeches to teenage girls.

Dr. Cox: Hey, don't be embarrassed about staring at my ass. You're only human, baby, and everybody does it anyway.

J.D.: [v.o.] When someone calls you out, like Carla just did, there's only one thing to do: Deal with your fear.
J.D.: Dr. Cox, is there anyway could I get you to cover Mr. Winston? He's my meningitis patient. Little bit of a personality difference. I mean, he says tomato, and I say... "to-mah-to."
Dr. Cox: Sure.
J.D.: What?
Dr. Cox: I'll take him.You just gotta grab my three gomers in 408.
J.D.: What's wrong with them?
Dr. Cox: I don't know, Newbie, I'm assuming they're sick.

Elliot: Oh, Dr. Douglas, I got the results back from your fasting lipids and it looks like your LLD's very elevated, so you may want to start a...
Dr. Douglas: HMG-CoA reductase inhibitor?
J.D.: You knew the answer to that.
Elliot: Shut up.
J.D.: What's your problem?
Elliot: This stuff doesn't come as easy for me as it does for you, okay? I study every night, and you know want to know what else I have to do to remember all this crap? I tape record myself saying it, and then I listen to myself over and over. Do you have any idea how annoying it is to hear myself go on and on and on and on?
J.D.: No.

J.D.: Come on. I have problems too. I traded my meningitis patient. Just traded him like a baseball card. And you wanna know why? I was afraid of him. I'm a doctor who's afraid of sick people. You wanna take a picture with me?
J.D.: [v.o.] It's a weird feeling when you realize you've lost the respect of four people all at once. But it's nothing compared to losing respect for yourself.