J.D.: Can you believe a month ago you were gonna marry him and I was gonna move in with Kim, and it all fell apart when we had that almost-moment in the on-call room? You know, we never talked about that.
Elliot: What's there to talk about? You just tried to kiss me. [walks away]
J.D.: [v.o.] I tried to kiss her? What the hell? Wait a second, there's nobody here to see my "what the hell?" face.

Boon: Slagy, you're up. A genetic defect that presents with anemia and causes copper build up in the liver and other organs, destroying them.
Debbie: What is Wilson's disease?
Boon: Yes.
Debbie: Yes! In your face! In your face!
Dr. Cox: What annoying thing is happening now?
J.D.: They're playing Diagnosis Jeopardy. When you win, you get to gloat. It's so stupid.
Dr. Cox: You never got to gloat, did you?
J.D.: I don't believe in gloating, it's tacky.
Debbie: "A condition in which the patient speaks in previously unknown dialect due to severe brain trauma."
J.D.: What is foreign accent syndrome?! Yes! In your faces! Or should I say, [British accent] in your faces. Hello, governor. Throw another shrimp on the barbie for me. Wait, that's Irish.
Dr. Cox: You're an idiot.

Jordan: Where the hell are you going? It's your night to tell him a story.
Dr. Cox: Oh, no, no, no. I couldn't be more wiped out.
Jordan: The Nanny's mom died, and I had to spend the whole day sprinting around the house trying to avoid having conversations with her. You don't see me crying about it. So suck it up and spin a yarn.
Jack: Yeah, Dad, suck it up.

[fairy tale:]
Dr. Cox: [v.o.] There was once a nurse, a surgeon, a doctor, and an idiot.
J.D.: Does this hat make me look fly?
[reality:]
Jordan: Perry, he's four. No hospital stories.
Dr. Cox: Fine.
[fairy tale:]
Dr. Cox: [v.o.] There was once a 2-headed witch, a princess, and a village idiot.
J.D.: Does this hat make me look fly-ith? It jingles when I shake it.

[fairy tale:]
Dr. Cox: [v.o.] Once upon a time, a long time ago, there was a little village known as Sacred Heartia.
Nurse Shirley: Dammit, Giant. Why is this village so filthy?
Janitor: Well, irritable towns woman of color, it could be because this town's roads are paved with mud. Or maybe it's because I've been swabbing everyone's porch with ox urine. [laughs] I jest. Only yours. You know why? You've been telling people I eat babies. I don't eat babies. With babies, it's a minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips. I eat toddlers.
Doug: I thought you said she'd be dead already.
Janitor: Come back later. Say, do you have any babies/toddlers on that cart?
Doug: Nope.
Janitor: Well, off to work.

[fairy tale:]
Dr. Cox: [v.o.] On the outskirts of town, the princess' handmaiden was in dire straights, so her highness sent out a call for help.
J.D.: Good morrow.
Elliot: That's funny. I requested someone strong and brave, and yet here stands the village idiot.
J.D.: Hey, I'm brave. I just saved this fish from drowning. Off you go, little buddy. He's tired now. Earlier he was dancing all around. Run free! Run!
Dr. Cox: [v.o.] Now, this was no ordinary idiot. He was a colossal idiot.
J.D.: Run free! Andale!
Dr. Cox: [v.o.] I mean such an idiot that other idiots would-
[reality:]
Jack: Daddy!
Dr. Cox: I'm very sorry, dear. I just wanted to be real clear with you about how big an idiot he actually was.

[fairy tale:]
Dr. Cox: [v.o.] In any case, the princess and the idiot had had a sordid past.
J.D.: Look, your highness, I just came by so you could apologize for saying I tried to kiss you when in fact, it was your royal tongue that tried to storm my mouth castle.
Elliot: That's not how I recall it.
J.D.: Come on, you closed your eyes and started heaving your bosoms up and down and up and down.
Elliot: Yeah, that's called breathing. I'm doing it now.
J.D.: I know. Can I rest my face on them and ponder what you've said?
Elliot: No. My poor maiden is being tormented by a terrible monster. She grows weaker by the minute.
J.D.: A monster? I mean, she looks ill, but I think it's a bit of a leap to say it's the work of a monster. [monster screams] There's a monster in there.

[fairy tale:]
Elliot: Are you gonna help me, or not?
Keith: I will.
Elliot: Keith.
Keith: Perhaps, if I can save your maiden, the soul of your heart will soften so I can once again plant the seed of our love.
Keith: Yeah, look, prince, this, it's not happening, okay? Time to move on.
Elliot: Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to get back the key to my chastity belt.
Keith: Fine. Come on, Peppermint.
Elliot: [chastity belt falls] Ah, that is going to make so many things so much easier.

[fairy tale:]
Dr. Cox: [v.o.] The Turla was once two separate witches. But when they married, they merged into one. It made for some awkward situations.
[Turk fells up the breast on Carla's side]
Turk: That's
Carla: What
Turk: I'm
Carla: Talking
Turk: About! [laughs]

[fairy tale:]
Elliot: How are we gonna get there?
J.D.: Don't worry, I got a sweet ride.
[later:]
Elliot: This is mortifying.
J.D.: Don't listen to her, Sasha.
Elliot: Idiot, I have to ask. How do you get your hair like that?
J.D.: You like it? I do it myself. It's one part horse manure, one part river mud, and a touch of my special ingredient.
J.D.: [v.o.] More horse manure.