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His Story IV

‘His Story IV’

Season 6, Episode 7 - Aired February 1, 2007

When Dr. Kelso checks in on his one patient of the day, he bonds with the young man, Private Brian Dancer (guest star Michael Weston), who suffered a head injury in Iraq. As the hospital is split by a heated debate on the merits of the war, Dr. Kelso needs to find a way to reunite the staff. [Narrated by Dr. Kelso]

Quote from Janitor

Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] Well played, Bobby. Lord knows you've seen this hot bottom topics before.
[flashback to the changing room:]
Elliot: Oh, please, Laverne. Global warming? Here's an inconvenient truth for you. Nobody cares. [uses hair spray]
[flashback to the cafeteria:]
Carla: So you think it's okay to just kill animals for sport?
Janitor: If it serves or use for purpose, yes I do.
[The Janitor pulls out a stuffed rabbit:]
Janitor: Salt? [shakes its ear] Cracked black pepper? [twists its head] Thank you, Bingo.

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Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Kelso: Well, I'll check on you later, son.
Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] Yep, Iraq is just the type of divisive subject, that would spread around this damn hospital like wildfire.
Dr. Cox: Poor kid. His head's blown off, all for nothing.
Nurse Roberts: All for nothing? My nephew Lance is over there fighting to give those people democracy.
Dr. Cox: Ooh, so that's why we're over there. Here, I thought it was to root out terrorism, or was it for the oil? Or for Mama Hussein's secret Falafel recipe? It got so gosh darn hard to keep track.

Quote from Todd

Todd: Dude, I hear they have laws that make women completely cover their bodies when they're out in public. The war in I-raq? Try the war to see-rack.

Quote from Turk

Turk: Elliot, the only good that's come from our occupation of Iraq is exposing the neo-conservative conspiracy to perpetuate American cultural and economic imperialism!
Elliot: What do you think, J.D.?
J.D.: Can you excuse me a second?! [to Turk] Did you break our pact and start reading the newspapers?
Turk: Carla is making me. Normally I wouldn't go near the things, except for the funnies.
J.D.: Oh, of course the funnies. The funnies don't count. By the way, did you read Marmaduke today? Can you believe he gave the pizza delivery dude a bone as a tip?
Turk: No, but that's what's great about Marmaduke. He's always sticking on his feet.
J.D.: I think you mean "paws".

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Typical Dorian. Running away from an argument you know nothing about.
J.D.: I know all about the war.
Janitor: Really? Point to Iraq.
J.D.: Why do you keep a globe on your janitor cart?
Janitor: In case I get lost. I'll give you a hint. It's not the country shaped like a boot.
J.D.: That's Iraq.
Janitor: That's China.
J.D.: You're China.
Janitor: That's an outrageous accusation. [eats sandwich] Need salt. Where's my bunny? Bingo?

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Brian: So, this is a picture of my unit after we secured the bridge outside of... of Fallujah. And, oh, here's my unit when we're playing poker. And... Whoa, um, this is a picture of my unit. I was gonna send it to my girlfriend, but, uh, she broke up with me.
Dr. Kelso: Well, send it to her anyway. She should know what she's missing.
Brian: Sir?
Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] I like this kid. He gets me.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: You know, i was in the Navy. It's important to remember the good men that you serve with. That's why I carry around a a little reminder of my buddy, Johnny. Would you like to see it?
Brian: Sure.
Dr. Kelso: Fantastic! [closes curtains]
[later, as Kelso opens the curtain and zips up his pants:]
Dr. Kelso: And Johnny's got a tattoo on the same cheek that says "Bobby".
Brian: He probably doesn't regret that at all.
Dr. Kelso: No, you just can't find that kind of bond in civilian life. Although I've often wondered what my life would be like if I'd stayed in the service.
[fantasy: Dr. Kelso walks into a Vietnamese sweatshop, wearing his Navy uniform as a Vietnamese-language version of "Up Where We Belong" plays. Dr. Kelso picks up a Vietnamese woman and carries her out to applause from her co-workers:]
Co-worker: [Vietnamese: "Way to go Ling Ling. Way to go."]
[reality:]
Dr. Kelso: I would have asked to be stationed in South East Asia... for the food.

Quote from Elliot

Nurse Roberts: You can crack wise all you want, but our boys over there are doing the Lord's work.
Dr. Cox: And when you say Lord you mean Halliburton, right?
Elliot: Okay, who here thinks democracy is worth fighting for? [murmurs of agreement from the right-side of the cafeteria]
Turk: Who here thinks we were manipulated by false claims of WMDs ? [murmurs of agreement from the left-side of the cafeteria]
Elliot: Neat. Everyone's already sitting on the appropriate side.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Oh, you liberals are right and every American agrees with you, that's why John Kerry and Al Gore both won in landslides.
Turk: Oh, my God. Elliot, you're one of them, aren't you?
Elliot: You know what? I don't need to be ashamed of this, anymore. Yes, I'm a Republican.
Nurse: Me too!
Dr. Mickhead: Me too.
Keith: Elliot! Me too.
[later, Elliot and Keith kiss in a supply closet:]
Keith: President Reagan should be one the one dollar bill.
Elliot: Oh, God. That's hot. What do you think about Hillary?
Keith: I hate that bitch.
Elliot: Oh!

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] Hot dog, 2.15, time to vamoose. Heck of a time talking to young Private Dancer, though. "You've seen your share of Private Dancer, haven't you, kid?" Hmm. "Sure have, Bob. Sure have."
Dr. Kelso: What is it, Slugathor?
Debbie: Um, Dr. Kelso, I have a patient who has a mild fever, but I don't know who to talk to, because everyone's arguing.
Dr. Kelso: Sluggy, if you want to get people's attention you've got to be more aggressive or more attractive. Pick one.
Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] I should keep an eye on that. See, a hospital is a complex machine. And when a divisive issue rears its head, balls can be dropped. And the ones who end up suffering the most are the one that we are here to protect.
[the next morning:]
Dr. Kelso: Good morning, Private Dancer. Son?! [checks chart] Get Respiratory for a blood gas and set up for a lumbar puncture!

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