Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] Well played, Bobby. Lord knows you've seen this hot bottom topics before.
[flashback to the changing room:]
Elliot: Oh, please, Laverne. Global warming? Here's an inconvenient truth for you. Nobody cares. [uses hair spray]
[flashback to the cafeteria:]
Carla: So you think it's okay to just kill animals for sport?
Janitor: If it serves or use for purpose, yes I do.
[The Janitor pulls out a stuffed rabbit:]
Janitor: Salt? [shakes its ear] Cracked black pepper? [twists its head] Thank you, Bingo.

Dr. Kelso: Well, I'll check on you later, son.
Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] Yep, Iraq is just the type of divisive subject, that would spread around this damn hospital like wildfire.
Dr. Cox: Poor kid. His head's blown off, all for nothing.
Nurse Roberts: All for nothing? My nephew Lance is over there fighting to give those people democracy.
Dr. Cox: Ooh, so that's why we're over there. Here, I thought it was to root out terrorism, or was it for the oil? Or for Mama Hussein's secret Falafel recipe? It got so gosh darn hard to keep track.

Todd: Dude, I hear they have laws that make women completely cover their bodies when they're out in public. The war in I-raq? Try the war to see-rack.

Turk: Elliot, the only good that's come from our occupation of Iraq is exposing the neo-conservative conspiracy to perpetuate American cultural and economic imperialism!
Elliot: What do you think, J.D.?
J.D.: Can you excuse me a second?! [to Turk] Did you break our pact and start reading the newspapers?
Turk: Carla is making me. Normally I wouldn't go near the things, except for the funnies.
J.D.: Oh, of course the funnies. The funnies don't count. By the way, did you read Marmaduke today? Can you believe he gave the pizza delivery dude a bone as a tip?
Turk: No, but that's what's great about Marmaduke. He's always sticking on his feet.
J.D.: I think you mean "paws".

Janitor: Typical Dorian. Running away from an argument you know nothing about.
J.D.: I know all about the war.
Janitor: Really? Point to Iraq.
J.D.: Why do you keep a globe on your janitor cart?
Janitor: In case I get lost. I'll give you a hint. It's not the country shaped like a boot.
J.D.: That's Iraq.
Janitor: That's China.
J.D.: You're China.
Janitor: That's an outrageous accusation. [eats sandwich] Need salt. Where's my bunny? Bingo?

Brian: So, this is a picture of my unit after we secured the bridge outside of... of Fallujah. And, oh, here's my unit when we're playing poker. And... Whoa, um, this is a picture of my unit. I was gonna send it to my girlfriend, but, uh, she broke up with me.
Dr. Kelso: Well, send it to her anyway. She should know what she's missing.
Brian: Sir?
Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] I like this kid. He gets me.

Dr. Kelso: You know, i was in the Navy. It's important to remember the good men that you serve with. That's why I carry around a a little reminder of my buddy, Johnny. Would you like to see it?
Brian: Sure.
Dr. Kelso: Fantastic! [closes curtains]
[later, as Kelso opens the curtain and zips up his pants:]
Dr. Kelso: And Johnny's got a tattoo on the same cheek that says "Bobby".
Brian: He probably doesn't regret that at all.
Dr. Kelso: No, you just can't find that kind of bond in civilian life. Although I've often wondered what my life would be like if I'd stayed in the service.
[fantasy: Dr. Kelso walks into a Vietnamese sweatshop, wearing his Navy uniform as a Vietnamese-language version of "Up Where We Belong" plays. Dr. Kelso picks up a Vietnamese woman and carries her out to applause from her co-workers:]
Co-worker: [Vietnamese: "Way to go Ling Ling. Way to go."]
[reality:]
Dr. Kelso: I would have asked to be stationed in South East Asia... for the food.

Nurse Roberts: You can crack wise all you want, but our boys over there are doing the Lord's work.
Dr. Cox: And when you say Lord you mean Halliburton, right?
Elliot: Okay, who here thinks democracy is worth fighting for? [murmurs of agreement from the right-side of the cafeteria]
Turk: Who here thinks we were manipulated by false claims of WMDs ? [murmurs of agreement from the left-side of the cafeteria]
Elliot: Neat. Everyone's already sitting on the appropriate side.

Elliot: Oh, you liberals are right and every American agrees with you, that's why John Kerry and Al Gore both won in landslides.
Turk: Oh, my God. Elliot, you're one of them, aren't you?
Elliot: You know what? I don't need to be ashamed of this, anymore. Yes, I'm a Republican.
Nurse: Me too!
Dr. Mickhead: Me too.
Keith: Elliot! Me too.
[later, Elliot and Keith kiss in a supply closet:]
Keith: President Reagan should be one the one dollar bill.
Elliot: Oh, God. That's hot. What do you think about Hillary?
Keith: I hate that bitch.
Elliot: Oh!

Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] Hot dog, 2.15, time to vamoose. Heck of a time talking to young Private Dancer, though. "You've seen your share of Private Dancer, haven't you, kid?" Hmm. "Sure have, Bob. Sure have."
Dr. Kelso: What is it, Slugathor?
Debbie: Um, Dr. Kelso, I have a patient who has a mild fever, but I don't know who to talk to, because everyone's arguing.
Dr. Kelso: Sluggy, if you want to get people's attention you've got to be more aggressive or more attractive. Pick one.
Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] I should keep an eye on that. See, a hospital is a complex machine. And when a divisive issue rears its head, balls can be dropped. And the ones who end up suffering the most are the one that we are here to protect.
[the next morning:]
Dr. Kelso: Good morning, Private Dancer. Son?! [checks chart] Get Respiratory for a blood gas and set up for a lumbar puncture!