Nurse Roberts: He's stable.
Dr. Kelso: Whose fault is this?
[Dr. Cox, Elliot and Turk bicker]
Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] They need a leader Bob, give them one.
Dr. Kelso: That's enough! [arguing continues] I said that's enough!
Dr. Cox: Just a second on the yelling there, Bob. Do you think you can actually be an absentee chief of medicine and still matter? Let me see if I can make this real clear for you. If this hospital were a human body, you'd be the appendix. Because at one time you served some function, but it was so long ago, nobody is quite sure what that was anymore. Excuse us, we're gonna talk it out over here.
Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] Well, you got what you asked for, Bob. They don't need you.

Dr. Kelso: Hey, son. How you doing?
Brian: Well, even though no one ever comes every time I hit this nurse's button, I feel a little better.
Dr. Kelso: That's morphine.
Brian: That explains it.
Dr. Kelso: Hey, uh, thanks for checkin' in on me. You're a lot like my Sergeant. Sergeant Borden. He was hands-on, too. Always trying to be in the game.
Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] That's how you get people around you to listen to you, Bob. Be like this kid's Sergeant, and get back in the game. Right after you follow that cupcake. If she puts it down for even a second, it's yours! No! Now, dammit!

Elliot: And I can help out Dr. Cox, even though I'd rather punch him in his piss-on-the-government-until-Jabarah's-crop-dusting-my-condo-with-anthrax, NPR-listening, Al Franken face.

Janitor: You know, if you're really serious about helping out, I could use a hand with my to-do list. I need to... clean the toilets. I'm just tired of staring at that. [ticks Palm Pilot] Good-bye. I need to TiVo the Crossing Over with John Edwards. I need to turn a cat into a spice rack. And I need to return this thing to the patient in 307. All doable, don't need you. Thanks!

Dr. Kelso: So, nobody needs any help.
Nurse Roberts: When is your wife coming back to work? I'm drowning here without the Head Nurse.
[later, Dr. Kelso is wearing a purple nurse's uniform]
Dr. Kelso: Okay, ladies, I've posted your room assignments on the board and I will pass out the new weekly schedules before your shifts are over. Being a nurse isn't so bad.
Nurse Roberts: What did you think it would be like?
[fantasy: Dr. Cox and Nurse Roberts work on a coding patient on the I.C.U.:]
Dr. Cox: We're losing him.
Nurse Roberts: BP's falling.
Dr. Cox: Nurse Kelso, I need one milligram of epi, stat! Now, nurse. Now!
[As a Vietnamese-language version of "Up Where We Belong" plays, Nurse Kelso turns around to see a Vietnamese woman in a Naval uniform. She carries him out of the I.C.U. as his colleagues clap.:]
Dr. Cox: Way to go, Bob! Way to go! That a boy!
[reality:]
Dr. Kelso: I'm sorry what was the question?

Dr. Kelso: Private, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.
Brian: That you were never in the navy, and Johnny is your husband?
Dr. Kelso: If only. I love you, Johnny. Your fighting in that war has provoked some pretty heated argument amongst the staff. See, the thing is they think they can just put their squabbles in a box that won't affect their work. But they're wrong. I mean, judging from the coffee stains on Dr. Cox's scrubs and the quote on this coffee cup attributed to Dr. Reid.
Brian: "My bajingo's on fire. May, 2004." What's a bajingo?
Dr. Kelso: Eventually, a page is going to go unreturned or a test isn't gonna get run as quickly as it should have been, and some nice kid like yourself is gonna pay the price. And what bothers me about it, is that I know this is going on, but there's nothing I can do to change it.
Brian: Why not?
Dr. Kelso: Let's just say that around here I'm not as loved as your sergeant was.
Brian: We hated Sgt. Borden.
Dr. Kelso: Come again?
Brian: Yeah, he demeaned us, overworked us. Still, maybe sometimes that's what being a good leader is, uniting everybody by giving them someone to hate.

Dr. Kelso: No, you just can't find that kind of bond in civilian life. Although I've often wondered what my life would be like if I'd stayed in the service.
[fantasy: Dr. Kelso walks into a Vietnamese sweatshop, wearing his Navy uniform as a Vietnamese-language version of "Up Where We Belong" plays. Dr. Kelso picks up a Vietnamese woman and carries her out to applause from her co-workers:]
Co-worker: [Vietnamese: "Way to go Ling Ling. Way to go."]
[reality:]
Dr. Kelso: I would have asked to be stationed in South East Asia... for the food.

J.D.: [v.o.] Everyone had gathered, because today was Carla's first day back since she had the baby.
Elliot: She's coming! This is not a drill, repeat. This is not a drill.
Turk: Remember, one group says "Welcome", one group says "back", one group says "Carla". Okay, get ready, let's go! Elliot?
Elliot: Fine, it was a drill. But I just want us to be ready.
Dr. Cox: Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

Carla: Hey everyone!
Turk: Okay, let's hear it.
All: Back! Carla! Back!
Turk: Dammit, people!
Carla: It's okay, baby.
Turk: No, it's not okay! One more time, go!
Carla: Hey, everyone.
All: Welcome back, pickle.
Turk: Who the hell came up with "pickle"?!
J.D.: I did. If you call Carla pickle, then I can call Isabella "Little Gherkin". I need this.
Turk: Done.

Elliot: Do you get it, Turk? All the terrorists want to do is kill you. They want to kill you.
Turk: Elliot, if you-
Elliot: Kill you!