Alexis: Oh, my God, ever since David left, you two have been so dramatic. Do I have to remind you of the time that I was taken hostage on David Geffen's yacht by Somali pirates for a week, and nobody answered my texts?!
Moira: I had just had my eyelashes dyed, everything was cloudy!

David: So are you nervous? This is like the first job you've ever had.
Alexis: No it isn't.
David: Putting your name on a line of edible nail polish isn't what I would call having a job.
Alexis: I was very hands on, David. I came up with all the flavours by myself.
David: Even the one that poisoned all those people?
Alexis: David, the factory in Guangzhou assured us that it was lead-free. Ugh!

Alexis: I don't know why you didn't ask me first, David. I have my license in seven different countries. And I have my "F" Class.
David: Isn't that for transport trucks?!
Alexis: Yes, well, I had a lot of people to move! Anyway, it's not a big deal. You just get in, you do what they tell you, and then you get out. And wear your best hair perfume.
David: Okay, I don't have hair perfume, and not all of us can flirt our way into getting a driver's license!
Alexis: Okay, you try parallel parking in a burka, David. No amount of flirting can get you out of that, trust me!

Alexis: Okay, my turn, my turn, my turn. Um, okay. My eyes are brown, I am basically sample-sized, and one time I escaped from a Thai drug lord's car trunk by bribing him with sex.
Johnny: Right idea, honey, but you know what? It's gotta be more challenging for everybody-
Moira: Her eyes are aqua.
Johnny: You did what?
Alexis: I'm kidding! I clearly would never bribe anybody with sex.
Johnny: When were you in Thailand?!
Alexis: I told you that I was on spring break. Everyone can just calm down because Aroon was a lovely gentleman until he ran out of money.

Alexis: So, this is weird. Um, today marks the longest relationship that I've ever voluntarily had with someone.
Mutt: Voluntarily.
Alexis: Yeah. The actual longest relationship was, um, a three month affair with a Saudi prince, but for the last two months of that I was trapped in his palace trying to get to an embassy.

Alexis: Look at you all dressed up, Mr. Sporty Spice.
Ted: Uh yeah, I'm dressed for the run that we're supposed to be going on, but I don't think you can run in those.
Alexis: Tell that to me at 21, escaping the yakuza.

Moira: Alexis, dear, now is bad a time as any to tell you. There is a dark side to Mummy's industry, and I've tried to protect you from it your whole life.
Alexis: You took me to the Playboy Mansion when I was seven.
Moira: And you had a wonderful time in the children's grotto. But, this! Alexis, you shouldn't have to see this. Thespians selling their autographs for money in cheerless convention centers.

Alexis: Okay, I just really think you should stay out of it, David. You're not good under pressure.
David: And you are?
Alexis: Um, I'm sorry. Were you picked up by the South Korean Secret Police on New Year's? I had to sweet talk the consulate's lawyer to get me a passport before midnight.

Miguel: Um, how did you get so good at this?
Alexis: Hm, you learn pretty quickly when you're in a Ugandan diamond smuggler's villa playing for your friend's freedom.
Miguel: Right, right. Wait, what?

Alexis: It's just a checkpoint, okay? I've been through tons of these in Johannesburg, um, it's like a drive thru, except everybody has a gun.
Johnny: When were you in Johannesburg?!
Alexis: I don't know. I remember I just got my braces off, so...
Johnny: You were 14, in South Africa?!