The Crows Have Eyes
All the tales of Moira Rose's starring role in the psychological thriller, "The Crows Have Eyes III."
Blair: There's a problem with the script?
Moira: Well, just a few character adjustments.
Blair: [laughs] I'm kidding. The script's a total dumpster fire, of course.
Moira: Hah! If the script were garbage, I don't believe we'd have signed on.
Blair: It's an apocalyptic fantasy about mutant crows. I think we all know what we're making here.
Moira: A timely allegory about prejudice.
Moira: Look what you've done! Look at it! Lying there, lifeless. Yet, in its eyes, I see darkness.
David: It's just a crow, Mrs. Mandrake.
Moira: Dr. Mandrake. And you must be kidding yourself if you think more are not coming. They always do. They're watching you, Gareth. The crows have eyes. And you better not look them in it.
David: Uh, it-it's just a flock of crows, Dr. Mandrake. What's the worst that can happen?
David: Oh, you'll see!
Moira: And it's not a flock, my dear boy it's a murder. Yes, I said murder.
Jocelyn: Well, I don't know, Moira, I'm no movie expert, but according to the early reviews, you may have a hit on your hands.
Twyla: Yeah. There was an article posted on the Crows account that you made us all follow. Come look!
Moira: Ornithology Today! Well, if anyone knows crows... "The Crows Have Eyes III is 'good fun.'" Well, that's hyperbolic. I mean, they already had "fun" [laughs] and now they've added "good."
Jocelyn: [laughs] Keep reading!
Moira: "The film showcases the emotional depth and intellectual capacity of our oft-maligned friend, the crow." We were resolute about not making an issues movie, but I'm glad they picked up on that.
Jocelyn: It mentions you, Moira.
Moira: It does? Where? My eyes are blurred. Oh, here it is. "Moira Rose, as Dr. Clara Mandrake, is delightfully unhinged." Do you know what they call this, gals? An understated rave.
Twyla: Oh, it's too bad you won't be there tonight. It would've been nice to cheer you on.
Jocelyn: Yeah, and my plus-one, Janet from the Elmdale Chronicle, would've really loved a quote.
Moira: Well, you might want to tell your friend Janet that there just may be a bombshell attendee after all.
Twyla: [gasps] Yay! A premiere! Oh, I don't know if I have anything fancy enough to wear.
Moira: Oh, my default is always formal, but I'm sure no one will bat a side-eye at black-tie casual. Oh, but do pack eye-drops! The film's first third is densely packed with exposition, and you won't want to blink.
Jocelyn: Are you sure it's okay that we haven't seen the first two movies?
Moira: Oh, it's actually best. A lot of this film blatantly contradicts what's been established in the first two.
David: Sorry, um, this is just one big rip off of "The Birds".
Moira: This is about crows! It's much more specific!
David: And the dialogue. "Look, they've taken Clara!" "Where are they carrying her to, Clara?" Are there two Claras?!
Moira: It's a common name.
Moira: What are the terms?
David: Ooh, it's filming in Bosnia! Um, in a city that I don't- I don't know the name of the city. I can't pronounce it. A lot of consonants.
Moira: I did not know that. But I've always loved shooting on location, it allows one to focus on the work.
David: Hmm, it's being released in Bosnia, Croatia, Herzegovina.
Moira: Before opening internationally!
David: You have to fly yourself there?
Moira: Mmm, that doesn't sound right.
David: Ooh, accommodation is covered.
Moira: Thank God!
David: You'll be put up with a local family.
Moira: Close to the set?
David: They're paying you scale. But it'll be in Baltic currency, do you want me to keep going?
Moira: No, read to yourself.
David: There's a death waiver?!
Moira: Oh. You can close the computer.
David: Yeah, but we haven't even gotten to the section on bird safety yet!
Moira: Are they sending a script? David there's nothing here but "hot singles in my area." No, wait, wait. David, it's an audition for a feature film!
David: Well, that sounds promising.
Moira: "Attractive and spunky forty-something female." In my sleep! "Respected ornithologist Dr. Clara Mandrake," in the psychological thriller, "The Crows Have Eyes II." It's a sequel, that's good. It must mean the first one was a big success.
David: I've never heard of it.
Moira: Well, they want me to put myself on tape. David, do you still have that camera? Go get it, please! And a drop cloth. And a ring light.
David: I could probably prop my phone against some books.
Moira: [exhales] And so it begins again.
[the trailer plays:]
Moira: Well, we best be returning to the lab, Nathaniel. It's getting [caws] dark.
Nathaniel: But it's the middle of the afternoon, must be a solar eclipse.
Moira: That's not an eclipse, Nathaniel! Those are birds! [cawing] Ahhh! And so... [caws] what have we done?!
Male voice: "The Crows Have Eyes: The Crowening."
Moira: [on trailer] What have we done?!
Moira: Good. Good. And the egg-laying feels grounded.
Jocelyn: Sorry, Moira, I think my reason for not wanting to jump on the bandwagon is just that I've seen you get your hopes up before, only to be disappointed when things didn't work out.
Moira: I don't require coddling.
Jocelyn: I know. Now that I realize that my opinion means something to you, there is a lot that I liked about the trailer...
Moira: Do go on.
Jocelyn: [clears throat] "From the first ominous syllable of the narrator's tale, one can feel the hair on one's arms standing at afrightened attention. Yes, there will be blood. And, yes, you will be horror-struck. But, more than that, you will be lured, against every instinct for self-preservation, to look inside, and face your very own futile resistance to transfiguration."
Moira: Who wrote that?
Jocelyn: I did.
Moira: You? You did. Oh, wow... Jocelyn, thank you. Nothing about me or my performance?
Jocelyn: Oh. It's just a first draft.
Moira: Yes. Okay.
Jocelyn: I really liked your feathers!
Jocelyn: They're very life-like.
Moira: Surprise. They are real. 1200 of them hand-sewn into my costume. The live crows on set welcomed me as their own. One even tried to mate.
Alexis: So the crows are ready. You just say a few words, and then give Carmine the signal.
Moira: Alexis, Mommy's home now. I'll take it from here. Ladies and gentlemen, it is my great pleasure to welcome you to a North American screening of... the psychological thriller...
Alexis: Move it along.
Moira: "The Crows Have Eyes III: The Crowening!" [crowd applauds] Let the crowening commence!
Moira: Please, everyone stay calm! Whatever you do, do not look them in the eye!
Alexis: Okay, you're making them angrier!
Moira: I'm not, Alexis! I know a bit of their language. CAW! CAW-CAW!
David: This is fucked.
David: Okay, have you seen this yet? Some random news station just posted video of the premiere. It's been shared 32,000 times.
Moira: Well, all press is good press, right?
David: You might wanna watch it first.
Reporter: [on video] Tonight, a murder of wild crows attacked would-be audience members who had come to see a movie about a crow attack. We must warn you, the following content is pretty graphic.
Alexis: Okay, they weren't "wild" crows. They were supposed to be trained.
Moira: Trained! Some of them were painted seagulls. This is not good, Alexis!
Moira: [gravelly and shrill] My dear murder, soon we will walk once more walk amongst the humans. But until that day comes, we must remember, the crows don't just have eyes we also have wings! Caaaaw! Awk! Caw! Caw!
Blair: I don't know why, or really, even how, but something about this actually works.
Moira: Oh. All right then, then, um, might I ask why did we interrupt that take?
Blair: Right, so at this point Moira, I'm gonna have a bunch of digital birds sort of circling around you, so if you can just be aware of them.
Moira: Yes. Aye, Captain. Note taken.
Blair: Let's pick it up from there.
Moira: In terms of my eye-line, how many birds am I clocking? And of them, how many are mutants? Okay, winging it.
Moira: [gravelly and shrill] Listen to me aaawk! The day will come when we are no longer social outcasts! I am but a tail-feather away from finding the cure. So please quiet your caws so that we may take up our cause redemption! Redemption! Awk! Awk! Ahaaa!
Moira: John! Are you awake? John!
Johnny: What? What's happening?
Moira: Your wayfaring thespian has returned! I-I don't wanna jinx anything, but the shoot was a triumph. The local Bosnians are calling it a stunning re-invigoration of the "Crows Have Eyes" franchise. That, of course, is a loose translation.
Alexis: [phone rings] Oh! It's Buzzfeed calling about the 10 goriest Clara Mandrake accidents from the film.
Moira: Best we take it.
Alexis: Oh my God, I just sent you the first trailer to the "Crows" movie!
Moira: My "Crows" movie?
Alexis: No. Gwen's. They sent over a little sneak peak before it goes live tomorrow.
Moira: Oh, Alexis! This is a critical moment. A siren call to the cinematic rapture that is to come. How did it look?