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38Quotes from ‘Meet the Parents’

Schitt's Creek: Meet the Parents

511. Meet the Parents

Aired March 19, 2019

David throws Patrick a surprise birthday party and invites his parents. Meanwhile, Alexis cajoles Moira into attending a soap opera fan convention.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: I already purchased a booth. Your name is on the website, and I just printed out all of these headshots for you to sign. Obviously I will be taking commission.
Moira: Alexis, there's a good reason I've avoided these conventions in the past. Showing up, taking your picture with a motley crew of pale, dewy-faced salamander people. I haven't hit rock bottom quite yet. It's a matter of self-worth.
Alexis: You did a commercial for adult diapers!
Moira: In Japan! In full-face Kabuki makeup!

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Quote from Moira

Moira: Alexis, dear, now is bad a time as any to tell you. There is a dark side to Mummy's industry, and I've tried to protect you from it your whole life.
Alexis: You took me to the Playboy Mansion when I was seven.
Moira: And you had a wonderful time in the children's grotto. But, this! Alexis, you shouldn't have to see this. Thespians selling their autographs for money in cheerless convention centers.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: Okay, here's how it's gonna go down. It's 30 seconds each, tickets in hand, or it's back of the line, and no, she will not be clarifying any Sunrise Bay plot points.
Moira: Ahem. Feet.
Alexis: Oh, yes. And if we're talking feet, it's $75 for one, $150 for the pair.

Quote from Patrick

David: Like they know about "us", right?
Patrick: Okay. Listen, David. I've have been wanting to tell them about us. I really have, I just was waiting to do it in person, and then I didn't go home for the holidays, and then I was feeling so comfortable with you, and your family.
David: Yeah. Yeah, I-I don't know why I assumed, um... So all this time, your parents thought they were just talking to your your business partner?
Patrick: Okay. David, I know my parents are good people, I just... [emotional exhale] Hmm, I can't shake this, this fear that there is a small chance that this could change everything. That they might see me differently, or treat me differently.
David: Uh-uh.
Patrick: But I'm gonna deal with this as soon as I see them next, okay?
David: Okay, what you're dealing with is very personal. And something you should only do on your terms. Okay? That's why I brought this couple home one day in college, and just told my parents to deal with it.

Quote from Johnny

David: Okay so, as we all know, I think surprise parties are tacky, and far too often organized by well-intentioned people with very bad taste. But Patrick has always wanted one, poor thing. So I am throwing him a surprise party tonight.
Johnny: Well, David, these kinds of parties take time, and planning. Now, when I planned that Casablanca-themed party for your mother's 40th, I had to quarantine the camels for a month.

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: Well, there's something that, uh, that I've been meaning to tell you.
Marcy: You can tell us anything.
Clint: Honey, let's just let him talk.
Patrick: Uh, yeah. So I guess this doesn't really come naturally. Um... David-
Marcy: He seems like a really great partner, honey.
Clint: Marcy.
Marcy: In business.
Patrick: Yeah, he is. He's also a great partner outside of business. We're together. David is my boyfriend. And I've never been happier in my life. And so I just, I hope you guys can accept that.
Marcy: Ohh! You are the only thing in the world that matters to us. And if David makes you happy, then that's all we care about.
Patrick: Dad?
Clint: I like him. I like him a lot.
Patrick: Me too.
Clint: I don't understand his clothes, but... [all laugh]
Patrick: Ah, you will in time. Oh man, I didn't know how I was gonna tell you guys.
Marcy: Well, we're just glad you finally did. Happy birthday, my sweet boy.
Patrick: Thank you.

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: So how long have they known?
David: I'm sorry?
Patrick: My parents. How long have they known? About us?
David: Um, I don't know, I don't know what you're talking about.
Patrick: David, I know my parents. They're not good actors. They knew about us, right?
David: Okay, my Dad might've told them, but he, he thought they knew.
Patrick: And the gift basket that you gave them - that I'm hoping you paid for - that had nothing to do with you trying to smooth things over with them?
David: It was just a very messy day. And I was- I was trying to detangle things, and... And just make everything okay.
Patrick: Yeah. Well, you made everything okay.

Quote from David

Marcy: So what do we do now? Not go to the party? I don't want to make him uncomfortable.
David: No, no, no, we are all going to the party. Patrick is planning on telling you tonight. So I think the best birthday gift we could give him at this point is to just keep him in the closet until then. I know that came out wrong, but we all understand what I'm saying, right?

Quote from Roland

Roland: This is a really big deal, Johnny. I mean, meeting my best friend's son's boyfriend's parents for the very first time, I am very touched that you wanted me to share this moment with you.
Johnny: I asked you to mow the lawn three times, Roland, so you being here is more your decision than mine.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: Yeah David, this is all feeling very sketchy and last minute-y.
David: I've actually been organizing this for quite some time, I'm just telling you right now because I know that none of you can keep a secret.
Moira: Oh! At 9 a.m. it's a little early for character assassination. Not one of you knows how the "Crows" movie ends.
Alexis: You told me the day you got home.
Johnny: You gave me the script.
Moira: And you were both sworn to secrecy, so David is right not to trust you.

Quote from Moira

David: Yeah, this is why I'm reluctant to tell you that there is an extra surprise tonight. I invited Patrick's parents.
Alexis: Oh, my God, David!
Johnny: Oh, that is very exciting news, son! Meeting the parents! That's a big step.
Moira: Yes, things are certainly racing along at a dangerously rapid velocity.
David: Thank you so much. We're doing great.

Quote from David

David: Now, I will only be throwing one surprise party, and one surprise party only. So tonight there will be a surprise. And there will be tears. Even if they're just my own. Okay?

Quote from Moira

Alexis: How did it end again? Like, a crowmageddon?
Moira: Crowpocalypse. But you didn't hear it from me.

Quote from Roland

Clint: I'm Clint. This is my wife, Marcy.
Roland: What a special moment this is for all of us, huh?
Marcy: You must be David's Dad.
Roland: Oh, no, no! I do get that all the time, though. It's, uh, you know, you've got David's handsome looks there, and then my face.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: You're looking especially fresh and photogenic today, Mother.
Moira: Why thank you, Alexis. Perhaps it's my excellent news. I found a very promising revenue stream to help finance the little deficit we've accrued on Cabaret.
Alexis: What might that be?
Moira: Well, according to the radio, there's a darling little medical clinic in Elm Grove. Where if any one of us, say, you, or your father, participates in a few nugatory tests, we could be bringing in over $200 a week!

Quote from Moira

Alexis: As your acting publicist, I'm putting my foot down. We're doing this. You need the money, and this is how you're gonna get it.
Moira: Look at you. Very well. But there will be a safe word in case the gaggle of asymmetrical faces gets to be too much.
Alexis: Deal. I'll start the car.

Quote from David

Patrick: Okay, so I told Patrick that there's a salmonella outbreak at the cafe, so he will not be coming here until I tell him to tonight.
Twyla: Oh. Is it possible you could maybe choose a lie that doesn't make the cafe look like it's in violation of health codes?
David: I think it's a pretty good one.

Quote from Alexis

Kelly: A few things to expect. Now, the fans will either want a signed picture, a picture and a handshake, or a picture either of you, or with you.
Alexis: Well, that's reasonable.
Kelly: Now, if they ask for pictures of your feet-
Moira: Kelly, you have been more than helpful. If I might have a moment alone with my daughter?
Alexis: Slash publicist, thank you.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Oh God, no! We have to get out of here, Alexis!
Alexis: What's going on?
Moira: That's Gloria Gregson.
Alexis: Who's Gloria Gregson?
Moira: Who's Gloria Gregson?! She only played Grace on "Touched With Grace" for 37 years. The woman has 17 Emmys for playing a hot-headed nurse who healed people with her sexual touch. I can't have her see me in a place like this!

Quote from Alexis

Moira: No, no, it is the Gloria Gregson?
Gloria Gregson: Oh, darling! Well, look at you, you look gorgeous! I'm so glad you're here, darling. I'm usually the only marquee name at these things.
Moira: I'm shocked by my presence as well.
Alexis: And I am Alexis Rose, Moira's publicist and daughter.
Gloria Gregson: Oh! Daughter? More like sister. [Moira laughs]
Alexis: Ew.

Quote from David

Patrick: I'm a take-charge guy, David. I like to take charge of things in my life, you know that.
David: Yep, uh-huh.
Patrick: You're upset. I would be, too.
David: Yeah. Uh, it's not about that. Ahem, huh. You're gonna laugh yourself right out of the closet on this one. You know how you've always wanted a surprise party?
Patrick: David, I don't think this is how surprise parties work.
David: Yeah, I know, it's just part of that surprise was inviting your parents here.

Quote from Patrick

David: I realize that was a big mistake. I- I should've talked to you. I could be just your business partner tonight. If that will help.
Patrick: No, David. I, I can't have you do that. I owe it to us to tell them. I want them to know. Yeah, maybe this whole thing is a blessing in disguise, huh? It's at the cafe?
David: Yeah. The salmonella was a decoy.

Quote from David

David: Hi, Mrs. Brewer, Mr. Brewer. I'm- I'm David Rose.
Marcy: Oh, David, come in.
David: Oh, thank you. Um... I, uh, I brought you some things from the store as a welcome present. We ran out of the body milk, so I threw in some extra lip balms.
Marcy: Thank you, David.
David: I just wanted to come here and apologize for a very unfortunate miscommunication.
Clint: So you're not in a relationship with our son?
David: Oh, no. I very much am. Um, I was talking more about how you found out.

Quote from David

Clint: Was it something we did, David?
David: I'm sorry?
Marcy: Honey, stop!
Clint: No, I wanna ask. Do you think if we'd done things differently, that Patrick would still be...
David: I understand that this news can come as a shock to some people. But he is still the same person, and it's his birthday, and he-
Marcy: David, we're not upset about Patrick being gay.
Clint: No.
David: Oh, my God, okay! For a minute I thought this was gonna get very dark.
Clint: The thought that Patrick was feeling like he couldn't come and talk to us about this.
Marcy: Is it because we were so close with Rachel?

Quote from Alexis

Gloria Gregson: As actresses we have to do whatever it takes to survive. Which is why I'm on the convention circuit. I do dozens a year.
Moira: I still can't quite believe that.
Gloria Gregson: Well, can you believe that because of them, I have a vineyard in the south of France? You may have tried my wine, "Touched With Grapes."
Alexis: Oh, my God, that's your wine?
Gloria Gregson: Yes.
Alexis: We used to use that for sangria, because it was like, so cheap, and... so good.

Quote from Moira

Moira: So the fiscal sweetener negates any discomfiture one might feel exploiting their extremities for a $20 bill?
Gloria Gregson: $20?! I charge $50. And just in case, I wear open-toed sandals.
Gloria Gregson: Darling, I used to spend my entire time chasing after parts, worrying about what people thought of me. It was exhausting! But no more. These conventions are a godsend. There is a freedom in letting go, Moira.

Quote from David

Stevie: He's coming, he's coming!
David: Okay, he's coming, he's coming. So are we on lights? Also, we're going with "Surprise." "Happy Birthday" was too wordy, and we couldn't nail it at rehearsal.

Quote from David

Clint: You've got a really wonderful friend here, Patrick.
David: Yep, I'm just glad you could make it, Mr. and Mrs. Brewer. Um, well, I should leave you all to catch up, and spend some quality time with your son. But might I recommend the crab cakes? I over-ordered, and they cost a small fortune.

Quote from David

Patrick: What if they don't react the way I think they will?
David: Then I will be here. And we'll get through it together.
Patrick: Okay. I love you.
David: I love you.

Quote from David

Patrick: So I know that you're annoyed that the surprise got blown, but this party might go down as one of the happiest nights of my life.
David: Well, I guess that makes up for the fact that no one ate the crab cakes.


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