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36Quotes from ‘The Dress’

Schitt's Creek: The Dress

504. The Dress

Aired January 29, 2019

Johnny asks the family to tighten their belts to pay for repair work at the motel, just as Moira receives her red carpet dress for the movie premiere. Meanwhile, Stevie tricks David into a hotel stay in Elmdale so she can see Emir, and Alexis thinks Ted's receptionist is being chilly towards her.

Quote from David

David: I'm so glad we're doing this. We never get to spend quality time together. Also, I've been neglecting my wellness journey, so the cherry blossoms opening when we both have time off is really ticking a lot of boxes for me.
Stevie: Are you sure the cherry blossoms are even open now? I mean, I thought that wasn't for another couple weeks.
David: Mm, no, no, I called the botanical gardens, and had the girl send me a photo. I learned the hard way from my last trip to Japan. Showed up, no cherry blossoms, turned right back around. It was such a waste.

Quote from Roland

Roland: Oh, Johnny, there you are. I've been looking all over for you. Urgent question. Um, what's our policy on smoke breaks?
Johnny: Who's taking a smoke break?
Roland: I am.
Johnny: You don't smoke.
Roland: Yeah, I know. And I don't think I should be penalized for that.

Quote from Moira

Moira: On the upside, this gown has exceeded all expectations.
Johnny: Yeah, well that's good, sweetheart, that's that's good. It's just that, um, you know, with all these costs piling up, we might need to take a hard look at uh, some of our recent, uh, purchases.
Moira: I told Alexis now is not the time to expand that home office. Not with the price of ink today.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: Okay, there must be some mistake here. This is valued at $3,700.
Johnny: What?! $3,700?
Alexis: What designer gave you that kind of discount?
Moira: Sadly, it's not custom this time around, Alexis. Mommy had to shop off the rack. Fortunately, I discovered something called a "promo code."
Johnny: This is a reduced price?
Moira: Yes. Discount couture, do you believe it? I'm surprised she made it through customs.
Alexis: I once passed off a mini horse and three Guinea pigs as service animals, so anything is possible.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Moira! The water's ice cold! How long were you in here?!
Moira: John, you know my ritual! Five to ten minutes to let the water warm, there's the initial scrub, followed by the deep conditioner, which must set for 20 minutes, and finally, the double rinse cycle.
Johnny: Well, we can't be doing that anymore, sweetheart! Our water bill is going through the roof!
Moira: Yes, painfully aware of our budgetary constraints, John. I'm currently reading a magazine from July, 1987. Where do you even find these?

Quote from Moira

Johnny: What exactly are you getting shipped from "Harrod's of London?"
Moira: Family, I'd like to you to meet a dear friend whom I've yet to meet. Give a warm dobrodosli to my red carpet gown for the "Crows" premiere.
Johnny: Moira, you didn't tell me they'd set a date for the premiere!
Moira: Yes! I've been told definitively it will happen, and I quote, "ideally sometime this year."

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Beep, beep! Paging Dr. Casanova J. Heartbreaker.
Ted: Anyway, that's probably why she seems like she's a little unsure about where she stands with you.
Alexis: Well, thank you for telling me that, Ted. That makes so much more sense than her not liking me.
Ted: Well, I'm glad that we could clear that up.
Alexis: Okay, well, I will see you for lunch then, "Doctor".
Ted: Yeah, it's funny because I actually am a doctor.
Alexis: So am I.
Ted: No, you're not. Just- Just Ted.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Well, hello! Is it just me, or is there a faint scent of honeysuckle in the air?
Roland: Yeah, it might be Johnny's aftershave. I'm-I'm sorry, it is pungent.
Moira: And John, I tried to hang up my gown, and thank God I caught it before that silly curtain rod came crashing down!
Roland: Don't worry about it, we'll get you a new one. As soon we get uh, "El Tightwad" here to loosen up the purse strings.
Moira: John, give this man a raise! And when dear, did our room become so moist? I'm off to get a dehumidifier, but I will see you at lunch.

Quote from David

David: Well, I guess the good thing to come out of this abduction is that if anyone knows how to crawl out from under an embarrassing romantic failure, it's me. So I say we drop our bags, go straight to the botanical gardens, take in some cherry blossoms, then sleep it off, and go home fresh tomorrow.
Stevie: What time was the tour again? [off David's look] Oh, David, I'm so sorry.
David: If this wasn't so humiliating for you, I think I'd be in a darker headspace right now, but since it is the hotel bar has karaoke, I say we get several rounds of polar bear shots, load up some Mariah, and I will spend the rest of the night pretending not to resent you.
Stevie: Okay. I'll get the first round.
David: Oh, you'll be getting every round.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Yeah, it's actually kinda funny, because I was just going through my phone, you know, to make some space, and then I came across this little back and forth from a while ago.
Alexis: I believe you, Ted. You're still Dr. Casanova to me.
Ted: Okay, well, the tone of your voice makes it seem like you don't believe a word you're saying.
Alexis: Okay, Ted! [clears throat] "Dear Melanie." Melanie? Is this the girl from the falafel place?
Ted: Yeah, I don't think that's relevant.
Alexis: Ahem. "I've had a lot of fun hanging out with you, and I really fal-awful saying this over text, but I'm just not feeling strongly enough to take this to the next level. I'm sorry."
Ted: Pretty harsh. But it had to be done.
Alexis: And then, um, she wrote-
Ted: Oh, it doesn't matter what she wrote.
Alexis: "Cool!" Exclamation mark. And it looks like you ended up walking her dog for her?
Ted: [sighs] Well, she seemed really upset.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: Oh, my God.
Johnny: Moira, it's gorgeous.
David: Wasn't it shown with a veil?
Moira: Oh, the veil's on its way.
Johnny: Well, now that I see it on you, I understand! I feel like I'm waiting for the limo to take us to your next red carpet event! Well, sweetheart, if that's if that's the dress you want, then, uh...
Moira: It is. But you're right, John, it's not the time. So before I send her back, take a mental picture. [sighs] And perhaps an actual picture as well? Anyone have a camera?

Quote from Moira

Moira: Okay, that's it. And if all goes to plan, we'll meet again on the red carpet. Ideally, sometime this year.
David: And those are the shoes we're going with?
Moira: What do you think? No. Shoes, later. As well as jewels.
Johnny: What?

Quote from Johnny

Moira: Perfect, a spot of tea for the unveiling.
Johnny: I was actually just boiling water for my bath.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: Does this mean I should start thinking about my look for the premiere?
Moira: TBD on the guest list, Alexis, but I love your enthusiasm.

Quote from David

David: Why else would we be driving to Elm Valley, Stevie?
Stevie: The only other reason I can think of is that Emir might be there.
David: The hotel reviewer that you had the dirty motel sex with?
Stevie: Well, when you put it that way it sorta cheapens it, but yes, he might also be there, reviewing a hotel.
David: But not the hotel that we're going to, because that would be a crazy coincidence.
Stevie: Sorry, I knew you wouldn't come if you thought you were gonna be a third wheel.
David: Okay well, sucks for him, because I only booked the private garden tour for two people.
Stevie: Okay, I'm just gonna say it.
David: Please don't.
Stevie: I don't think we're gonna go to the botanical gardens.
David: No! Wow! So this is an abduction, then.

Quote from David

Stevie: I am a single woman driving way out of town to meet a guy I don't know very well!
David: Well...
Stevie: Once he shows up I'm sure you can still go to the botanical gardens!
David: I'm not going to the botanical gardens by myself! What, am I gonna walk around, and admire the cherry blossoms alone, like some pervert?! So if you're gonna meet this guy there, there where am I staying? I don't do couches!
Stevie: I got you a separate room.
David: A separate room, okay. So this has all been premeditated, then. You know what, I hope for your sake, that they have cherry blossoms in prison.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Hey, I know you're really swamped today, so I brought you this. You can thank me later.
Ted: Oh! That's decaf, right?
Alexis: No, that detail actually slipped my mind, so maybe I'll just take it.
Ted: Oh, almost a sweet gesture, Alexis, thank you.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: You know who's not sweet? Old Shan out there.
Ted: Okay, first of all Alexis, she's not old, we went to vet school together. And she's actually been really helpful this week.
Alexis: To you. I'm just gonna say it, Ted. Most people are a fan. So when someone's not, it's usually on them.

Quote from Alexis

Ted: All right, fine, I, I didn't wanna bring this up, because it is so not a thing. But well, when you and I were broken up, there was one night where Shannon and I...
Alexis: [gasps] Oh, my God! Ted!
Ted: [sighs] We hooked up.
Alexis: Yes you did, you little smooch monster!
Ted: Well, we did a lot more than that.

Quote from Johnny

Roland: Hey, Johnny! Johnny! I got some good news for you, my friend.
Johnny: Well, I could use some good news, I might have to take out a mortgage on the dress my wife just bought.

Quote from Roland

Roland: Well, I've come up with the perfect excuse for you to buy yourself a brand new hot water heater!
Johnny: Still waiting for the good news.
Roland: Well, the good news is that my friend Terry can replace the whole thing for you.
Johnny: Replace it? Well, how much is that gonna cost?
Roland: I did a little negotiating with Terry, and he says you can have it for $4,200.
Johnny: $4200?!
Roland: Right. Unless you want it installed.
Johnny: Well, of course I want it installed, Roland!
Roland: Okay, well, that's gonna be $5,500.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Okay, you know what? I can't afford to throw away money like that.
Roland: Oh, come on, this coming from the guy who was just bragging about taking out a mortgage to pay for his wife's dress!
Johnny: I wasn't bragging!

Quote from David

David: What about the person...?
Stevie: David, I would tell you if I saw him! Also, that's rude!
David: Okay, it's just that your type is very inconsistent.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Oh, my God, Shan! You still here? Have you not taken lunch?
Shan: I've just been pretty busy.
Alexis: Ugh, same. Can I get a "hell yeah" for two hard-working women in the 21st Century? [high fives Shan and then pulls her in close] Anyway, I think that we both know that things are a bit off between us, and I understand why. Ted told me all about your little... [kissing sound] And it's like not a big deal.
Shan: Okay. Alexis, that's- That's such a relief. And oh! Honestly, between us, it was just a drunken one-time thing, and I told him we'd be better off as friends.
Alexis: Oh. Did you tell him that after he told you that?

Quote from Alexis

Ted: Alexis. Right on time.
Alexis: You're telling me, I was just having a chat with Shan. Clearing the air about that little trip you two took to pound town.

Quote from Alexis

Ted: Well, just, um, one minute. Again, not that it matters, you know, but uh, the day after we, um, we were supposed to meet up at the 5k for Feral Cats, and I never followed up so...
Shan: Oh, yeah, it totally doesn't matter.
Ted: No.
Shan: But I also never followed up. So when we saw each other the next weekend at the opening of Bronwyn's Exotic Animal Clinic, I assumed you'd gotten the hint.
Ted: Okay, well, that's what I assumed, so...
Alexis: Okay, not to interject, but I assumed that this would play out in a much more interesting way. So for the sake of time, um, I'm just gonna go with Shannon's version of things. Shannon, can we get you anything while we're out?
Ted: Uh, I'm not sure that we actually quite finished the conversation.
Alexis: Oh, it's okay, Ted. Because the important thing is, that Shannon and I had a breakthrough.
Ted: Yeah, but I'm just not really sure where we landed on the whole...

Quote from Roland

Roland: Johnny, let me tell you something. That is not the place to cut corners. Okay? What you need to do is re-examine your extravagant lifestyle.
Johnny: What are you talking about?
Roland: Well, not all of us can drive around in an 8 cylinder car.
Johnny: It's a '78 Lincoln, and it's all we could afford!
Roland: Right, '78. Vintage.
Johnny: Okay! Roland, do you mind if I get back to work?!
Roland: Yeah, no problem, I've got to go on my smoke break.

Quote from David

David: Wow, for someone who can barely stand, she sounds good. How are we feeling?
Stevie: All things considered, I'm feeling better.
David: Good. I'm gonna see if they have more Mariah, the first three songs were just a warm-up.

Quote from Stevie

Emir: I'm so sorry. A student driver rear-ended me on the way over here, it was a whole thing. He started crying. We had to exchange insurance information. His mom was there.
Stevie: You couldn'tve called? I thought I was stood up.
Emir: The student driver has my phone, and I have his. We didn't give them back to each other after we exchanged info. So if you wanna know what's on a 16 year old's smartphone, I could offer you that.
Stevie: No, thank you.
Emir: Yeah, that's probably for the best.

Quote from David

David: Okay, good news, they have "Fantasy," which means that you get to play Ol' Dirty Bastard.

Quote from Stevie

Emir: Uh, Stevie, I know I'm two hours late, but can I still take you to dinner, or have I blown it?
Stevie: Oh, you've blown it. But I'll still take a free dinner.
Emir: I can work with that, okay.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Moira? We need to talk, sweetheart.
Moira: I'm sorry dear, is your mouth moving?
Johnny: Could you, uh, turn off the dehumidifier for a second?
Moira: Because I can't possibly hear you over the sound of the dehumidifier!

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Yeah, Moira, look. The last thing I want to do is uh rain on your parade, but I think for the next little while, any money coming in should probably be for the family.
Moira: This dress is for the family. To remind us that our futures lie outside this town. It feels these days like I'm the only one who hasn't veered off course.
Johnny: Well, no one's veering off course, Moira, we're all just, uh, taking a different approach.
Moira: The ceremonial purchase of the gown has always been my good luck charm.
Johnny: Well, from everything you've told us about this movie, Moira, it sounds like for the first time in a long time, you may not need any luck.
Moira: Oh, John! Thank you for that. And know that you've been heard!
Johnny: Good. [Moira turns on the noisy dehumidifier again]

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Listen, Ted, I've gone through enough heartbreakers for like, two people's lifetimes. And I don't want that anymore. I want you. And that cute little butt.

Quote from David

Stevie: Um, I thought you were gonna go to bed?
David: Oh no, I was, but then Tammy kept buying shots, and the whole room got behind me in like, a really big way. Anyway, I have seven more songs to finish, and some new fans who would be very disappointed if I don't close the show.

Quote from David

Alexis: Okay, are you coming out?
David: Can you stop yelling, please?! I had 14 polar bear shots last night.


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