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‘The Dress’ Quotes

Schitt's Creek: The Dress

504. The Dress

Aired January 29, 2019

Johnny asks the family to tighten their belts to pay for repair work at the motel, just as Moira receives her red carpet dress for the movie premiere. Meanwhile, Stevie tricks David into a hotel stay in Elmdale so she can see Emir, and Alexis thinks Ted's receptionist is being chilly towards her.

Quote from Roland

Roland: Oh, Johnny, there you are. I've been looking all over for you. Urgent question. Um, what's our policy on smoke breaks?
Johnny: Who's taking a smoke break?
Roland: I am.
Johnny: You don't smoke.
Roland: Yeah, I know. And I don't think I should be penalized for that.

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Quote from David

David: I'm so glad we're doing this. We never get to spend quality time together. Also, I've been neglecting my wellness journey, so the cherry blossoms opening when we both have time off is really ticking a lot of boxes for me.
Stevie: Are you sure the cherry blossoms are even open now? I mean, I thought that wasn't for another couple weeks.
David: Mm, no, no, I called the botanical gardens, and had the girl send me a photo. I learned the hard way from my last trip to Japan. Showed up, no cherry blossoms, turned right back around. It was such a waste.

Quote from Moira

Moira: On the upside, this gown has exceeded all expectations.
Johnny: Yeah, well that's good, sweetheart, that's that's good. It's just that, um, you know, with all these costs piling up, we might need to take a hard look at uh, some of our recent, uh, purchases.
Moira: I told Alexis now is not the time to expand that home office. Not with the price of ink today.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: Okay, there must be some mistake here. This is valued at $3,700.
Johnny: What?! $3,700?
Alexis: What designer gave you that kind of discount?
Moira: Sadly, it's not custom this time around, Alexis. Mommy had to shop off the rack. Fortunately, I discovered something called a "promo code."
Johnny: This is a reduced price?
Moira: Yes. Discount couture, do you believe it? I'm surprised she made it through customs.
Alexis: I once passed off a mini horse and three Guinea pigs as service animals, so anything is possible.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Moira! The water's ice cold! How long were you in here?!
Moira: John, you know my ritual! Five to ten minutes to let the water warm, there's the initial scrub, followed by the deep conditioner, which must set for 20 minutes, and finally, the double rinse cycle.
Johnny: Well, we can't be doing that anymore, sweetheart! Our water bill is going through the roof!
Moira: Yes, painfully aware of our budgetary constraints, John. I'm currently reading a magazine from July, 1987. Where do you even find these?

Quote from Moira

Johnny: What exactly are you getting shipped from "Harrod's of London?"
Moira: Family, I'd like to you to meet a dear friend whom I've yet to meet. Give a warm dobrodosli to my red carpet gown for the "Crows" premiere.
Johnny: Moira, you didn't tell me they'd set a date for the premiere!
Moira: Yes! I've been told definitively it will happen, and I quote, "ideally sometime this year."

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Beep, beep! Paging Dr. Casanova J. Heartbreaker.
Ted: Anyway, that's probably why she seems like she's a little unsure about where she stands with you.
Alexis: Well, thank you for telling me that, Ted. That makes so much more sense than her not liking me.
Ted: Well, I'm glad that we could clear that up.
Alexis: Okay, well, I will see you for lunch then, "Doctor".
Ted: Yeah, it's funny because I actually am a doctor.
Alexis: So am I.
Ted: No, you're not. Just- Just Ted.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Well, hello! Is it just me, or is there a faint scent of honeysuckle in the air?
Roland: Yeah, it might be Johnny's aftershave. I'm-I'm sorry, it is pungent.
Moira: And John, I tried to hang up my gown, and thank God I caught it before that silly curtain rod came crashing down!
Roland: Don't worry about it, we'll get you a new one. As soon we get uh, "El Tightwad" here to loosen up the purse strings.
Moira: John, give this man a raise! And when dear, did our room become so moist? I'm off to get a dehumidifier, but I will see you at lunch.

Quote from David

David: Well, I guess the good thing to come out of this abduction is that if anyone knows how to crawl out from under an embarrassing romantic failure, it's me. So I say we drop our bags, go straight to the botanical gardens, take in some cherry blossoms, then sleep it off, and go home fresh tomorrow.
Stevie: What time was the tour again? [off David's look] Oh, David, I'm so sorry.
David: If this wasn't so humiliating for you, I think I'd be in a darker headspace right now, but since it is the hotel bar has karaoke, I say we get several rounds of polar bear shots, load up some Mariah, and I will spend the rest of the night pretending not to resent you.
Stevie: Okay. I'll get the first round.
David: Oh, you'll be getting every round.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Yeah, it's actually kinda funny, because I was just going through my phone, you know, to make some space, and then I came across this little back and forth from a while ago.
Alexis: I believe you, Ted. You're still Dr. Casanova to me.
Ted: Okay, well, the tone of your voice makes it seem like you don't believe a word you're saying.
Alexis: Okay, Ted! [clears throat] "Dear Melanie." Melanie? Is this the girl from the falafel place?
Ted: Yeah, I don't think that's relevant.
Alexis: Ahem. "I've had a lot of fun hanging out with you, and I really fal-awful saying this over text, but I'm just not feeling strongly enough to take this to the next level. I'm sorry."
Ted: Pretty harsh. But it had to be done.
Alexis: And then, um, she wrote-
Ted: Oh, it doesn't matter what she wrote.
Alexis: "Cool!" Exclamation mark. And it looks like you ended up walking her dog for her?
Ted: [sighs] Well, she seemed really upset.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: Oh, my God.
Johnny: Moira, it's gorgeous.
David: Wasn't it shown with a veil?
Moira: Oh, the veil's on its way.
Johnny: Well, now that I see it on you, I understand! I feel like I'm waiting for the limo to take us to your next red carpet event! Well, sweetheart, if that's if that's the dress you want, then, uh...
Moira: It is. But you're right, John, it's not the time. So before I send her back, take a mental picture. [sighs] And perhaps an actual picture as well? Anyone have a camera?

Quote from Moira

Moira: Okay, that's it. And if all goes to plan, we'll meet again on the red carpet. Ideally, sometime this year.
David: And those are the shoes we're going with?
Moira: What do you think? No. Shoes, later. As well as jewels.
Johnny: What?


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