David: Um, so I just dropped off these, um, dog sweaters, for the pet adoption thing.
Ted: Okay, great, yeah. It's always gifts for the dogs, and never for me. Definitely one of my "pet peeves".
David: Yes?
Ted: I'm sorry, I just I just was expecting Alexis, so you showing up here has really thrown me off my game.
David: Um, no, your game is tight.

Patrick: What you're doing is very brave.
David: Mm-hmm.
Patrick: Very generous, okay? And I don't wanna add more stress to your day, but I love you.
David: Okay, so so you just said that to me for the first time, knowing that it would make my day more stressful.
Patrick: That's correct.
David: Because you know that I've never said that to anyone else, aside from my parents twice, and one time at a-
Patrick: Mariah Carey concert, I know. Yeah. And I don't expect you to say it back to me, right now. You say it when you're ready. It just felt right to me, in the moment. You're my Mariah Carey.
David: Okay. That compliment could bring me to tears, but I'm not gonna let it. So, I... would like to thank you for all the wonderful things that you said.

Alexis: Hey, singles, I'm Alexis Rose, and I, like all of you, am single. [applause] I would just like to welcome you to the first annual Schitt's Creek Singles Week. [applause and cheers] Now I know many of you are excited about the lock and key event. [applause and cheers] The more I think about it, the more I feel like that game kind of sends the wrong message. Because it makes it seem like, as soon as you find the right key, everything's just supposed to work out, right? But life is more complicated than that. Now, I used to think that my one special lock needed to be like super aggressive, and come from a long line of Adriatic royalty, or have a beard, and be really into the woods. Then I realized that sometimes, a special little lock can come along, that you didn't think would fit because it didn't look, or act, like the lock you thought you needed. So instead of actually giving it a real chance, you throw it away because it was too nice. And it liked you too much, and cared. And now that lock has found another key, and you are so happy for it, and you just need to accept that, and find a new lock.
Woman: So, are we playing a game, or not?
Alexis: Yes! That is what I'm trying to say, we're just gonna play a better game. Um, one that kinda promotes giving people a chance.

David: Okay, look, um, I would hardly call myself an expert on this subject, and by subject I mean genuine human emotion. So, I am just going to tell you what I know. And you can do whatever you want with that. Okay? I know that your name has come up in conversation every single day, for the past 6 months. Um, I know that she's different now I mean, not that different, obviously, but, um, different enough to know that she made a mistake with you. Or was it two mistakes? Or more..?
Ted: No, it was just the two.
David: Yeah. Anyway, so you've been burned, a couple times. Um, have we met? I've been burned so many times, I'm basically the human equivalent of the inside of a roasted marshmallow. Um, but I think it's important for us to remember that sometimes, sometimes it does work out. And, um, even though everything inside us is telling us to protect ourselves, when you've got it, don't let it go. Um, [clears throat], and I am telling you, that you have got it, if you want it.

Patrick: How'd it go with Ted?
David: [kisses Patrick] I love you. [holding back tears]
Patrick: I know I'll never be able to compete with Mariah.
David: Mm.
Patrick: It just kind of feels like one of those perfect moments that you dream about. Except in my dream, I'm holding a nice cup of tea.
David: Oh, fuck.
Patrick: I'm kidding. I don't need the tea.
David: No, I am making this perfect moment, perfect.

Moira: [on the phone] Jocelyn is in labour!
Alexis: Oh my god!
Moira: I know it's no one's fault. I'm with her now, we're in the car.
Alexis: Okay, so what am I supposed to do, here?
Moira: Well, has the press arrived yet?
Alexis: Yes! Everybody has arrived. Everybody is here, just waiting.
Moira: Oh! Don't start without me you little frippit. You don't have the media training.

Jocelyn: [bouncing on a ball] Moira, you don't have to stay, Roly will be here any minute, and I know how much the singles event means to you.
Moira: No, no, Jocelyn, normally I wouldn't even consider leaving, but Alexis Alexis has never handled this kind of responsibility. And I would just hate to see it all come clattering down around her.
Jocelyn: Okay, Moira. Moira, if I may... Listen, I can't speak to who Alexis was before you came here, and from what I've heard I don't really wanna dig any deeper into that, but what I can say is this. I have watched your daughter, over the last couple of years, grow into one of the most amazing people I've ever known. She is a hard worker, she is kind, and she is capable of so much more than people give her credit for.
Moira: Jocelyn, that is one of the most generous compliments one could receive as a mother.
Jocelyn: We all have fears as parents, Moira, but at some point, we just have to believe in our kids.

Alexis: Hi.
Ted: Apparently I only have two minutes, so I'm gonna make this quick. Hi. I'm Ted, I'm newly single. And I'd be kidding myself if I told you that I haven't wanted to do this every single day for the last two years.
Alexis: Do what?
[Ted and Alexis stand up. Ted kisses her. The crowd cheers]

Patrick: Well, David, I gotta hand it to you. We've already sold half of our massage oils. It's like you're an oracle when it comes to the sex lives of lonely people.
David: It's a gift.

Ted: Thank you, David.
David: Maybe this can be your thank you.
Ted: That's a dog treat?
David: [mouth full] Looks like a real treat. What am I gonna do now?