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32Quotes from ‘Singles Week’

Schitt's Creek: Singles Week

412. Singles Week

Aired April 10, 2018

As Singles Week gets underway, Moira helps Jocelyn as she goes into labour, leaving Alexis in charge of the event. Meanwhile, Patrick takes his relationship with David to the next level, and David offers Ted some advice.

Quote from Ted

David: Um, so I just dropped off these, um, dog sweaters, for the pet adoption thing.
Ted: Okay, great, yeah. It's always gifts for the dogs, and never for me. Definitely one of my pet peeves.
David: Yes?
Ted: I'm sorry, I just I just was expecting Alexis, so you showing up here has really thrown me off my game.
David: Um, no, your game is tight.

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: What you're doing is very brave.
David: Mm-hmm.
Patrick: Very generous, okay? And I don't wanna add more stress to your day, but I love you.
David: Okay, so so you just said that to me for the first time, knowing that it would make my day more stressful.
Patrick: That's correct.
David: Because you know that I've never said that to anyone else, aside from my parents twice, and one time at a-
Patrick: Mariah Carey concert, I know. Yeah. And I don't expect you to say it back to me, right now. You say it when you're ready. It just felt right to me, in the moment. You're my Mariah Carey.
David: Okay. That compliment could bring me to tears, but I'm not gonna let it. So, I... would like to thank you for all the wonderful things that you said.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Hey, singles, I'm Alexis Rose, and I, like all of you, am single. [applause] I would just like to welcome you to the first annual Schitt's Creek Singles Week. [applause and cheers] Now I know many of you are excited about the lock and key event. [applause and cheers] The more I think about it, the more I feel like that game kind of sends the wrong message. Because it makes it seem like, as soon as you find the right key, everything's just supposed to work out, right? But life is more complicated than that. Now, I used to think that my one special lock needed to be like super aggressive, and come from a long line of Adriatic royalty, or have a beard, and be really into the woods. Then I realized that sometimes, a special little lock can come along, that you didn't think would fit because it didn't look, or act, like the lock you thought you needed. So instead of actually giving it a real chance, you throw it away because it was too nice. And it liked you too much, and cared. And now that lock has found another key, and you are so happy for it, and you just need to accept that, and find a new lock.
Woman: So, are we playing a game, or not?
Alexis: Yes! That is what I'm trying to say, we're just gonna play a better game. Um, one that kinda promotes giving people a chance.

Quote from Moira

Moira: [on the phone] Jocelyn is in labour!
Alexis: Oh my god!
Moira: I know it's no one's fault. I'm with her now, we're in the car.
Alexis: Okay, so what am I supposed to do, here?
Moira: Well, has the press arrived yet?
Alexis: Yes! Everybody has arrived. Everybody is here, just waiting.
Moira: Oh! Don't start without me you little frippit. You don't have the media training.

Quote from David

David: Okay, look, um, I would hardly call myself an expert on this subject, and by subject I mean genuine human emotion. So, I am just going to tell you what I know. And you can do whatever you want with that. Okay? I know that your name has come up in conversation every single day, for the past 6 months. Um, I know that she's different now I mean, not that different, obviously, but, um, different enough to know that she made a mistake with you. Or was it two mistakes? Or more..?
Ted: No, it was just the two.
David: Yeah. Anyway, so you've been burned, a couple times. Um, have we met? I've been burned so many times, I'm basically the human equivalent of the inside of a roasted marshmallow. Um, but I think it's important for us to remember that sometimes, sometimes it does work out. And, um, even though everything inside us is telling us to protect ourselves, when you've got it, don't let it go. Um, [clears throat], and I am telling you, that you have got it, if you want it.

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: [bouncing on a ball] Moira, you don't have to stay, Roly will be here any minute, and I know how much the singles event means to you.
Moira: No, no, Jocelyn, normally I wouldn't even consider leaving, but Alexis Alexis has never handled this kind of responsibility. And I would just hate to see it all come clattering down around her.
Jocelyn: Okay, Moira. Moira, if I may... Listen, I can't speak to who Alexis was before you came here, and from what I've heard I don't really wanna dig any deeper into that, but what I can say is this. I have watched your daughter, over the last couple of years, grow into one of the most amazing people I've ever known. She is a hard worker, she is kind, and she is capable of so much more than people give her credit for.
Moira: Jocelyn, that is one of the most generous compliments one could receive as a mother.
Jocelyn: We all have fears as parents, Moira, but at some point, we just have to believe in our kids.

Quote from David

Patrick: How'd it go with Ted?
David: [kisses Patrick] I love you. [holding back tears]
Patrick: I know I'll never be able to compete with Mariah.
David: Mm.
Patrick: It just kind of feels like one of those perfect moments that you dream about. Except in my dream, I'm holding a nice cup of tea.
David: Oh, fuck.
Patrick: I'm kidding. I don't need the tea.
David: No, I am making this perfect moment, perfect.

Quote from Ted

Alexis: Hi.
Ted: Apparently I only have two minutes, so I'm gonna make this quick. Hi. I'm Ted, I'm newly single. And I'd be kidding myself if I told you that I haven't wanted to do this every single day for the last two years.
Alexis: Do what?
[Ted and Alexis stand up. Ted kisses her. The crowd cheers]

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: Well, David, I gotta hand it to you. We've already sold half of our massage oils. It's like you're an oracle when it comes to the sex lives of lonely people.
David: It's a gift.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Alexis? Alexis, Alexis! I just overheard three women with smokers' coughs talking about "Sex in the City".
The singles have arrived!

Quote from Moira

Alexis: Why are you not wearing your t-shirt?
Moira: Darling, Mommy's delivering the keynote address. There's going to be press and photographers there, I think it would be a tad declasse for the Chair of the event to be wearing a Volunteers t-shirt.

Quote from Roland

Johnny: Okay, with the 50% premium charge for Singles Week, I think we might be able to afford some of the bigger improvements we've been talking about.
Roland: [phone rings] Ooh, sorry guys.
Stevie: Roland?
Roland: [on the phone] Roland's phone. Hey, Bob.
Johnny: Roland, hang up.
Roland: Yeah, uh, Johnny's tellin' me I gotta hang up. Yes, they're both here, staring at me. Johnny has that upset look on his face. Yeah. [laughs] That's the perfect way to describe it, Bob.

Quote from Roland

Roland: Oh, relax, Johnny. I'm here for ya. Whadda ya need?
Stevie: Um, maybe you could head out to Elmdale and go to the hardware store, and knock the first three things off this list.
Roland: That's no problem. Sure. And anything else you want, just let me know. How 'bout a car wash? Or maybe a brow trim for Johnny? [laughs]

Quote from Moira

Alexis: [on the phone] Okay, can you just like, please try to hurry up? Because the last thing we wanna do is stand up a room full of singles.
Moira: Oh look, Jocelyn's pulling up to the hospital right now.
Alexis: Wait, Jocelyn's driving?
Moira: Yes, Alexis! She insisted! My nerves are fried! [Jocelyn screams]

Quote from Johnny

Bob: [on the phone] Apparently they took Roland's phone away from him. I don't know! Well who would do that to a man whose wife is just about to go into labour?
Johnny: I didn't take his phone!
Stevie: Well, you kinda did.
Johnny: Well, in our defence, Jocelyn's a few days early.
Bob: Oh, hold on, Gwen, uh, Roland just pulled in, and hammer's about to drop.

Quote from Bob

Bob: [answering phone] Hi, Gwen. No, he's- He's on his way to the hospital now. Yeah... Snake is a little harsh, but he's definitely slippery, I'll give ya that.
Johnny: I'm standing right here, Bob.

Quote from Ted

David: So then, um, are you gonna talk to Alexis about this?
Ted: Honestly, I don't know. I don't know if I'm willing to put myself out there again. I mean, David, I spent two weeks in Mexico, alone, on our honeymoon, just trying to get my life back on track.
David: Yeah, that sounds very dark.
Ted: You know how many off-road dirt bike tours I had to take, just to get her outta my head?
David: Shockingly, never been on a dirt bike. Um, but I'm sure like a lot... A lot...
Ted: A lot of tours, David.

Quote from David

Ted: Thank you, David.
David: Maybe this can be your thank you.
Ted: That's a dog treat?
David: [mouth full] Looks like a real treat. What am I gonna do now?

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: Roly, you made it!
Roland: You may step down, ma'am, I thank you for your service.
Moira: Okay. [blows kiss] Bye.
Jocelyn: Thank you for everything, Moira. I will never forget this.
Moira: Oh, if the drugs are any good, you will.

Quote from Moira

Moira: So I'm guessing the press went home. [tuts] It's a shame they didn't get to see what you've pulled off.
Alexis: Um, actually you may not be able to tell by the way those two are gazing into each other's eyes, they actually work for rival newspapers.
Moira: Alexis, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I underestimated you.
Alexis: Thank you.
Moira: Seems there's a lot more of me in you, than I give you credit for.
Alexis: Lucky me.
Moira: I'll take it from here.
Alexis: I thought you were just apologizing for underestimating me?
Moira: You can't play the game with a clipboard in your hand.

Quote from Roland

Roland: Should we tell her?
Jocelyn: Moira, what you did today meant the world to us. And we know it wasn't exactly how you planned on spending your day.
Moira: Aw, it was nothing.
Roland: So, we'd like you to say hello to Roland Moira Schitt.
Johnny: [chokes, then coughs] Wow, that's the name is really something, isn't it?
Moira: And an honour I dream not of!

Quote from Moira

Johnny: What's going on here?
Alexis: Mom's basically trying to cut me out of Singles Week.
Moira: I am not cutting her out, John. I'm merely trying to ensure an unruffled launch. Do you remember the last time you and I chaired an event? The Teenage Rosacea Ball at the St. Regis?

Quote from David

Alexis: Yes, what?
David: Um, I just walked past three very raspy-voiced Miranda's outside, so I think the singles are here.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: [to Roland] Okay, I'm gonna put this on silent for the rest of the meeting, okay? Do you know how to do that, Stevie?

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: You been goin' to the gym, 'cause that looked effortless?
David: It's just a very awkwardly shaped box, but yes I have, and thank you for noticing.

Quote from David

David: Okay, I will get you a tea. Um, would you mind just not looking at me while I take this box outta the room, 'cause I don't want you regretting any of the nice things that you just said to me? Okay, look away, please. Please.
Patrick: [to himself] That went well.

Quote from Stevie

Johnny: I think we might have to call Roland and tell him to add "do not disturb" signs to his list. Some of the singles have been requesting them.
Stevie: I think that is a service that could benefit all of us.

Quote from Johnny

Stevie: Uh, there are 17 missed calls, and 3 texts from Jocelyn.
Johnny: Well, what do they say?
Stevie: "Roland, it's happening." And then baby. And then, like a whole row of baby emojis, and an explosion.
Johnny: Well, we- We didn't do anything wrong here. Right?
Stevie: I didn't.
Johnny: You're the one who put his phone on silent.
Stevie: Because you didn't know how to.
Johnny: Okay, well I don't think it's helpful to be pointing fingers, here, Stevie.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Okay, so just to triple check, um, everyone has registered on the website?
All: Yes.
Alexis: Yes. Okay, just triple checking, because the website acts as a directory.
Woman: And a message board, we know!
Alexis: Oh, my God.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Hey, it's musical chairs. It's a simple concept. Ugh! Keep moving! People are clustering, and you don't want that.

Quote from Johnny

Roland: Oh, what a handsome guy. He looks just like me.
Johnny: And yet, he's handsome.

Quote from Johnny

Roland: Here he comes. Roland Moira Schitt. Look at that, the two Moira's.
Moira: Take him, John, my hands are shaking.
Johnny: No, thank you.


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