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45Quotes from ‘Merry Christmas, Johnny Rose’

Schitt's Creek: Merry Christmas, Johnny Rose

413. Merry Christmas, Johnny Rose

Aired December 18, 2018

When Johnny wakes up and decides to throw a party on Christmas Eve, nobody else seems to be in a festive mood.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: What have we here?
Ted: Ah, it's just a bit of a tradition at Christmas parties that I have with my friends. See, we do a cookie competition, and then the winner gets to take home all of the leftovers to their families on Christmas Day.
Alexis: So cute. I basically did exactly the same thing with my friends once. But instead of cookies, it was whatever we could find in our parents' medicine cabinets, and instead of a Christmas party, it was an old boot factory in Krakow.

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Quote from Moira

Johnny: Tell me this, sweetheart, have I asked you for a lot this year?
Moira: It depends, are we talking emotionally?
Johnny: [sighs] You know, in the old days, I stood by your side no matter how you wanted to spend the holidays. Whether it was heading to Miami for Puff Daddy's Poolside White Party, or that uncomfortable tree trimming at Arnold and Maria's. How 'bout the night you wore your fur coat to the PETA Christmas Fundraiser?
Moira: I heard Peter Fundraiser. Bogdanovich loved a mink.

Quote from Stevie

Patrick: Are we supposed to be doing anything for this party?
David: Um, yes, decorations, but even if we could still afford Nate Berkus, I'd burned that bridge in Ibiza.
Patrick: Okay, but we have plenty of decorations here, so.
David: Yeah, that are for sale. We're not just giving away our inventory.
Stevie: Wow. So, what time is the Ghost of Christmas Past coming to visit you tonight?

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Oh, isn't this festive? It's like an old-fashioned country Christmas, huh Moira? Picking out a fresh-cut tree?
Moira: No, all I can think about is the 22ft Norwegian Pine we once had. And the protesters, shouting at the flatbed truck as it made its way through our front gates. Now that was festive.

Quote from Roland

Roland: Hey, Johnny, Merry Christmas.
Johnny: Merry Christmas, Roland.
Roland: Little last minute, this little party of yours, huh?
Johnny: Well, it seems last minute turned into last second.
Roland: Well, all I'm saying is, next time um, I'd appreciate my invitation about a week in advance, okay?
Johnny: Well, if I have things my way, we'll be making this an annual tradition, so you can save the date now.
Roland: No, that's way too far in advance, I can't make that kinda commitment.
Johnny: Okay, Roland.

Quote from Moira

[dream sequence:]
Moira and David [singing jazzy "Silent Night"] Silent night Holy night All is calm All is bright Round yon virgin, Mother and child Holy infant, so tender and mild Sleep in heavenly peace Sleep in heavenly Sleep in heavenly peace [applause]
Moira: [giggles] Oh, thank you, thank you. Now, Aretha will be out in just a moment.
Paul Shaffer: Oh, who needs Aretha, when we have you, darling?
Moira: Ha ha!. Paul Shaffer, you are my most cherished friend!
Johnny: And, worth every penny.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Outta bed, it's Christmas Eve, and this year we will be celebrating the holiday.
David: I'm good, thanks, though.
Alexis: Okay, can you turn the lights off, please?
Johnny: No, I refuse to turn off the light on Christmas again, this year. I understand not wanting to make a fuss our first year. We were depressed, and in shock. Last year-
Moira: Less shock, deeper depression.
Johnny: Well, I was going to say, we were finally making some headway.

Quote from Moira

David: Okay, so what exactly is your proposal, then?
Johnny: Well, I say we throw a party. Just like the old days. Invite some people over, sing some carols.
Alexis: Okay, you know today is Christmas Eve, right, and maybe people don't wanna spend it like, carolling in front of mom's wig wall?
Johnny: I can't think of a more festive way to spend Christmas Eve, than all of us pitching in.
David: Okay, I just don't know how we're gonna pull this off without the grand piano, or the ice sculptures.
Alexis: Or the reindeer room.
Moira: I'm afraid this whim of yours is going to obliterate our precious holiday memories.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: Well, can whichever half is feeling the most generous give me a discount on two cases of wine, please?
David: How many people does he think are showing up to this thing?
Stevie: Oh, he only wanted one case. I have my own holiday tradition. It's like the 12 Days of Christmas, but it's 1 day with 12 bottles of wine.
Patrick: That sounds like fun.

Quote from Patrick

David: Okay, so you do have decorations, then.
Stevie: Yeah, but I'm pretty sure they wouldn't be up to your standards.
David: Well, they'll have to do, because at this point, the party's at 7, and I don't have any time to mood-board a colour scheme.
Stevie: Okay. Thank you.
Patrick: Do you have time to mood-board a color scheme?
Stevie: Does anyone?
Patrick: No.

Quote from Ted

Alexis: Knock, knock.
Ted: Hey! Come in!
Alexis: Smells so good in here! Look at you in that flouncy apron, you little Christmas Elf!
Ted: I'm gonna take that as a compliment, even though everything inside me's telling me that it's not.

Quote from Ray

Johnny: Well, obviously we'll be looking at something a bit more modest this year. But this time, at least, we get to pick out the tree ourselves. Mm, smell those pine needles.
Ray: Oh, hi, Mr. Rose. What you're smelling is actually our holiday-scented car ornaments. They can be used in the car, or on your tree. Sold separately, of course.

Quote from Johnny

Alexis: What is everybody yelling about?
Johnny: Well, we have a Christmas tree, but no decorations because your brother's a cheap-ass! And right now we have the most un-Christmassy looking room, that'll soon be filled with party guests... Speaking of, how's the guest list coming, Alexis?
Alexis: I don't know, you tell me.
Johnny: Why would I tell you? You were in charge of the guest list.
Alexis: Well, it's hard to be in charge of the guest list, if no one's given it to me yet.
Johnny: Why would anybody give it to you? You were in charge of making it!
Alexis: Making it? I thought you wanted me to handle it? Like, work the door, make sure nobody gets in that isn't on the list!
Johnny: It's Christmas Eve, Alexis! Who's going out crashing other people's Christmas parties?

Quote from Ted

Ted: Knock, knock. Any room left at the inn?

Quote from David

Alexis: And I'll put the Jerry beads on the tree.
Johnny: We're not putting Mardi Gras beads on a Christmas tree, Alexis!
Moira: John, please, do the honours. [all clap]
Alexis: Yay.
David: W- I, for one, find it charming, in sort of a a war-torn sort of way.

Quote from Moira

[dream sequence:]
Johnny: Moira, have you seen the kids?
Moira: Whose kids?
Johnny: Our kids?
Moira: That ship sailed hours ago, dear. Literally, Alexis and Stavros are on his father's yacht by now. Off to Capri.
Johnny: Ah.
Moira: And David? Hm, David, last I heard he was screaming at Wolfgang. Apparently there weren't enough capers on the smoked salmon crudites.

Quote from Moira

[dream sequence:]
Johnny: Ah. I thought we could open presents tonight.
Moira: Oh, don't worry, I already gave them their checks.
Johnny: Quite something, isn't it?
Moira: Hmm.
Johnny: All this?
Moira: Yeah.
Johnny: Moira, come stand here with me for a minute.
Moira: John, you know I would, but I've already taken my Christmas pills, and bitter experience has taught me I have just 8 minutes to make it safely up the stairs.

Quote from Johnny

Moira: Well, this isn't right, you sitting here alone.
Johnny: Oh, I don't know, it feels pretty familiar.
Moira: Yes, I guess we've established a pretty grim tradition these past few years.
Johnny: Well, I'm not talking about these past few years, I was talking about the old days. Do you even remember how those big, lavish Christmas parties used to end?
Moira: I think that's the sign of a successful soiree, if you don't.
Johnny: I'd find myself standing alone, staring at the tree, and all I'd want... I just thought, in spite of all the hardship that... We found ourselves coming together, the kids, you, and me, as a family. And it just seemed like the perfect day to celebrate that. The perfect day for a Rose Family Christmas Party.
Moira: John, I'm sorry. On behalf of the children, for myself, I'm sorry, John. We didn't fully understand why this party was so important to you.

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: Moira, it's so wonderful that you made this happen for Johnny.
Moira: Yeah.
Jocelyn: But, we were supposed to be carolling at the senior's centre 30 minutes ago.
Moira: Oh, Jocelyn, surely the dentures have been dropped in the glass by now. Can't we spare one carol here, before we go?

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Oh, you know, reminds me, I was worried about this menorah being so close to the garland. Last thing we want is to have the motel burn down.
Moira: Or is it?
Johnny: What?


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