Alexis: What have we here?
Ted: Ah, it's just a bit of a tradition at Christmas parties that I have with my friends. See, we do a cookie competition, and then the winner gets to take home all of the leftovers to their families on Christmas Day.
Alexis: So cute. I basically did exactly the same thing with my friends once. But instead of cookies, it was whatever we could find in our parents' medicine cabinets, and instead of a Christmas party, it was an old boot factory in Krakow.

Johnny: Tell me this, sweetheart, have I asked you for a lot this year?
Moira: It depends, are we talking emotionally?
Johnny: [sighs] You know, in the old days, I stood by your side no matter how you wanted to spend the holidays. Whether it was heading to Miami for Puff Daddy's Poolside White Party, or that uncomfortable tree trimming at Arnold and Maria's. How 'bout the night you wore your fur coat to the PETA Christmas Fundraiser?
Moira: I heard Peter Fundraiser. Bogdanovich loved a mink.

Patrick: Are we supposed to be doing anything for this party?
David: Um, yes, decorations, but even if we could still afford Nate Berkus, I'd burned that bridge in Ibiza.
Patrick: Okay, but we have plenty of decorations here, so.
David: Yeah, that are for sale. We're not just giving away our inventory.
Stevie: Wow. So, what time is the Ghost of Christmas Past coming to visit you tonight?

[dream sequence:]
Johnny: Ah. I thought we could open presents tonight.
Moira: Oh, don't worry, I already gave them their checks.
Johnny: Quite something, isn't it?
Moira: Hmm.
Johnny: All this?
Moira: Yeah.
Johnny: Moira, come stand here with me for a minute.
Moira: John, you know I would, but I've already taken my Christmas pills, and bitter experience has taught me I have just 8 minutes to make it safely up the stairs.

Johnny: Oh, isn't this festive? It's like an old-fashioned country Christmas, huh Moira? Picking out a fresh-cut tree?
Moira: No, all I can think about is the 22ft Norwegian Pine we once had. And the protesters, shouting at the flatbed truck as it made its way through our front gates. Now that was festive.

Roland: Hey, Johnny, Merry Christmas.
Johnny: Merry Christmas, Roland.
Roland: Little last minute, this little party of yours, huh?
Johnny: Well, it seems last minute turned into last second.
Roland: Well, all I'm saying is, next time um, I'd appreciate my invitation about a week in advance, okay?
Johnny: Well, if I have things my way, we'll be making this an annual tradition, so you can save the date now.
Roland: No, that's way too far in advance, I can't make that kinda commitment.
Johnny: Okay, Roland.

David: Okay, so you do have decorations, then.
Stevie: Yeah, but I'm pretty sure they wouldn't be up to your standards.
David: Well, they'll have to do, because at this point, the party's at 7, and I don't have any time to mood-board a colour scheme.
Stevie: Okay. Thank you.
Patrick: Do you have time to mood-board a color scheme?
Stevie: Does anyone?
Patrick: No.

[dream sequence:]
Moira and David [singing jazzy "Silent Night"] Silent night Holy night All is calm All is bright Round yon virgin, Mother and child Holy infant, so tender and mild Sleep in heavenly peace Sleep in heavenly Sleep in heavenly peace [applause]
Moira: [giggles] Oh, thank you, thank you. Now, Aretha will be out in just a moment.
Paul Shaffer: Oh, who needs Aretha, when we have you, darling?
Moira: Ha ha!. Paul Shaffer, you are my most cherished friend!
Johnny: And, worth every penny.

Johnny: Outta bed, it's Christmas Eve, and this year we will be celebrating the holiday.
David: I'm good, thanks, though.
Alexis: Okay, can you turn the lights off, please?
Johnny: No, I refuse to turn off the light on Christmas again, this year. I understand not wanting to make a fuss our first year. We were depressed, and in shock. Last year-
Moira: Less shock, deeper depression.
Johnny: Well, I was going to say, we were finally making some headway.

Alexis: Knock, knock.
Ted: Hey! Come in!
Alexis: Smells so good in here! Look at you in that flouncy apron, you little Christmas Elf!
Ted: I'm gonna take that as a compliment, even though everything inside me's telling me that it's not.