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45Quotes from ‘Merry Christmas, Johnny Rose’

Schitt's Creek: Merry Christmas, Johnny Rose

413. Merry Christmas, Johnny Rose

Aired December 18, 2018

When Johnny wakes up and decides to throw a party on Christmas Eve, nobody else seems to be in a festive mood.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: What have we here?
Ted: Ah, it's just a bit of a tradition at Christmas parties that I have with my friends. See, we do a cookie competition, and then the winner gets to take home all of the leftovers to their families on Christmas Day.
Alexis: So cute. I basically did exactly the same thing with my friends once. But instead of cookies, it was whatever we could find in our parents' medicine cabinets, and instead of a Christmas party, it was an old boot factory in Krakow.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Oh, isn't this festive? It's like an old-fashioned country Christmas, huh Moira? Picking out a fresh-cut tree?
Moira: No, all I can think about is the 22ft Norwegian Pine we once had. And the protesters, shouting at the flatbed truck as it made its way through our front gates. Now that was festive.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Tell me this, sweetheart, have I asked you for a lot this year?
Moira: It depends, are we talking emotionally?
Johnny: [sighs] You know, in the old days, I stood by your side no matter how you wanted to spend the holidays. Whether it was heading to Miami for Puff Daddy's Poolside White Party, or that uncomfortable tree trimming at Arnold and Maria's. How 'bout the night you wore your fur coat to the PETA Christmas Fundraiser?
Moira: I heard Peter Fundraiser. Bogdanovich loved a mink.

Quote from Stevie

Patrick: Are we supposed to be doing anything for this party?
David: Um, yes, decorations, but even if we could still afford Nate Berkus, I'd burned that bridge in Ibiza.
Patrick: Okay, but we have plenty of decorations here, so.
David: Yeah, that are for sale. We're not just giving away our inventory.
Stevie: Wow. So, what time is the Ghost of Christmas Past coming to visit you tonight?

Quote from Roland

Roland: Hey, Johnny, Merry Christmas.
Johnny: Merry Christmas, Roland.
Roland: Little last minute, this little party of yours, huh?
Johnny: Well, it seems last minute turned into last second.
Roland: Well, all I'm saying is, next time um, I'd appreciate my invitation about a week in advance, okay?
Johnny: Well, if I have things my way, we'll be making this an annual tradition, so you can save the date now.
Roland: No, that's way too far in advance, I can't make that kinda commitment.
Johnny: Okay, Roland.

Quote from Moira

[dream sequence:]
Moira and David [singing jazzy "Silent Night"] Silent night Holy night All is calm All is bright Round yon virgin, Mother and child Holy infant, so tender and mild Sleep in heavenly peace Sleep in heavenly Sleep in heavenly peace [applause]
Moira: [giggles] Oh, thank you, thank you. Now, Aretha will be out in just a moment.
Paul Shaffer: Oh, who needs Aretha, when we have you, darling?
Moira: Ha ha!. Paul Shaffer, you are my most cherished friend!
Johnny: And, worth every penny.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Outta bed, it's Christmas Eve, and this year we will be celebrating the holiday.
David: I'm good, thanks, though.
Alexis: Okay, can you turn the lights off, please?
Johnny: No, I refuse to turn off the light on Christmas again, this year. I understand not wanting to make a fuss our first year. We were depressed, and in shock. Last year-
Moira: Less shock, deeper depression.
Johnny: Well, I was going to say, we were finally making some headway.

Quote from Moira

David: Okay, so what exactly is your proposal, then?
Johnny: Well, I say we throw a party. Just like the old days. Invite some people over, sing some carols.
Alexis: Okay, you know today is Christmas Eve, right, and maybe people don't wanna spend it like, carolling in front of mom's wig wall?
Johnny: I can't think of a more festive way to spend Christmas Eve, than all of us pitching in.
David: Okay, I just don't know how we're gonna pull this off without the grand piano, or the ice sculptures.
Alexis: Or the reindeer room.
Moira: I'm afraid this whim of yours is going to obliterate our precious holiday memories.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: Well, can whichever half is feeling the most generous give me a discount on two cases of wine, please?
David: How many people does he think are showing up to this thing?
Stevie: Oh, he only wanted one case. I have my own holiday tradition. It's like the 12 Days of Christmas, but it's 1 day with 12 bottles of wine.
Patrick: That sounds like fun.

Quote from Patrick

David: Okay, so you do have decorations, then.
Stevie: Yeah, but I'm pretty sure they wouldn't be up to your standards.
David: Well, they'll have to do, because at this point, the party's at 7, and I don't have any time to mood-board a colour scheme.
Stevie: Okay. Thank you.
Patrick: Do you have time to mood-board a color scheme?
Stevie: Does anyone?
Patrick: No.

Quote from Ted

Alexis: Knock, knock.
Ted: Hey! Come in!
Alexis: Smells so good in here! Look at you in that flouncy apron, you little Christmas Elf!
Ted: I'm gonna take that as a compliment, even though everything inside me's telling me that it's not.

Quote from Ray

Johnny: Well, obviously we'll be looking at something a bit more modest this year. But this time, at least, we get to pick out the tree ourselves. Mm, smell those pine needles.
Ray: Oh, hi, Mr. Rose. What you're smelling is actually our holiday-scented car ornaments. They can be used in the car, or on your tree. Sold separately, of course.

Quote from Johnny

Alexis: What is everybody yelling about?
Johnny: Well, we have a Christmas tree, but no decorations because your brother's a cheap-ass! And right now we have the most un-Christmassy looking room, that'll soon be filled with party guests... Speaking of, how's the guest list coming, Alexis?
Alexis: I don't know, you tell me.
Johnny: Why would I tell you? You were in charge of the guest list.
Alexis: Well, it's hard to be in charge of the guest list, if no one's given it to me yet.
Johnny: Why would anybody give it to you? You were in charge of making it!
Alexis: Making it? I thought you wanted me to handle it? Like, work the door, make sure nobody gets in that isn't on the list!
Johnny: It's Christmas Eve, Alexis! Who's going out crashing other people's Christmas parties?

Quote from Ted

Ted: Knock, knock. Any room left at the inn?

Quote from David

Alexis: And I'll put the Jerry beads on the tree.
Johnny: We're not putting Mardi Gras beads on a Christmas tree, Alexis!
Moira: John, please, do the honours. [all clap]
Alexis: Yay.
David: W- I, for one, find it charming, in sort of a a war-torn sort of way.

Quote from Moira

[dream sequence:]
Johnny: Moira, have you seen the kids?
Moira: Whose kids?
Johnny: Our kids?
Moira: That ship sailed hours ago, dear. Literally, Alexis and Stavros are on his father's yacht by now. Off to Capri.
Johnny: Ah.
Moira: And David? Hm, David, last I heard he was screaming at Wolfgang. Apparently there weren't enough capers on the smoked salmon crudites.

Quote from Moira

[dream sequence:]
Johnny: Ah. I thought we could open presents tonight.
Moira: Oh, don't worry, I already gave them their checks.
Johnny: Quite something, isn't it?
Moira: Hmm.
Johnny: All this?
Moira: Yeah.
Johnny: Moira, come stand here with me for a minute.
Moira: John, you know I would, but I've already taken my Christmas pills, and bitter experience has taught me I have just 8 minutes to make it safely up the stairs.

Quote from Johnny

Moira: Well, this isn't right, you sitting here alone.
Johnny: Oh, I don't know, it feels pretty familiar.
Moira: Yes, I guess we've established a pretty grim tradition these past few years.
Johnny: Well, I'm not talking about these past few years, I was talking about the old days. Do you even remember how those big, lavish Christmas parties used to end?
Moira: I think that's the sign of a successful soiree, if you don't.
Johnny: I'd find myself standing alone, staring at the tree, and all I'd want... I just thought, in spite of all the hardship that... We found ourselves coming together, the kids, you, and me, as a family. And it just seemed like the perfect day to celebrate that. The perfect day for a Rose Family Christmas Party.
Moira: John, I'm sorry. On behalf of the children, for myself, I'm sorry, John. We didn't fully understand why this party was so important to you.

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: Moira, it's so wonderful that you made this happen for Johnny.
Moira: Yeah.
Jocelyn: But, we were supposed to be carolling at the senior's centre 30 minutes ago.
Moira: Oh, Jocelyn, surely the dentures have been dropped in the glass by now. Can't we spare one carol here, before we go?

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Oh, you know, reminds me, I was worried about this menorah being so close to the garland. Last thing we want is to have the motel burn down.
Moira: Or is it?
Johnny: What?

Quote from Johnny

[dream sequence:]
Moira: Oh, you guys are too kind. And now a special little sec- David, you can step aside now, dear.
Paul Shaffer: There he goes, David Rose.
Moira: And now, a special little secular something I'd like to dedicate to my husband, Mr. Johnny Rose!
Crowd: [chanting] Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Johnny!

Quote from Moira

Moira: John? John, you're talking in your sleep again.
Johnny: Oh. What day is it?
Moira: Christmas Eve. Wake me when it's over.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Well, that's exactly the point, Moira. We have to make new memories. We have to start looking forward, not backward. Now, you and I will get the tree. David, you're in charge of the decorations, 'cause I don't wanna hear I've made another mistake. Alexis, I trust you can handle the guest list?
Alexis: Oh, okay, re the guest list, um, unfortunately, Ted and I will be unable to attend.
Johnny: Why? Cancel your plans! Ted is certainly welcome here.
David: Okay, what about the gift situation then, because everything on my list requires pre-order.
Johnny: Okay, come on, let's get dressed, everybody. We're running out of time.
Moira: Look at you, Mr. Rose, seemingly possessed by the Christmas spirit.
Johnny: Ha, ha. That reminds me, somebody needs to find the menorah.

Quote from David

Patrick: David, we can have drinks literally any night. Christmas with your family sounds like fun.
David: Yeah, it was fun, like way, way, way back. We used to throw these lavish Christmas parties. I'm sure you read about them.
Patrick: I have not.
David: I see. Well they were big, and they were fun. And, ever since we moved here, we just sort of decided to fast forward through the holidays.

Quote from David

Stevie: Hello. Merry Christmas, Patrick!
Patrick: Merry Christmas, Stevie!
David: Do I not get a Merry Christmas, or..?
Stevie: I thought you were Jewish?
David: I'm a delightful half-half situation, which is why it's so annoying that my Dad thinks he can boss people around on a holiday that he technically has no authority over.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Well, I, I did get up at the Krak-ow dawn, so that Alexis could bake these cookies.
Alexis: Alexis didn't bake these cookies, though.
Ted: Yeah, no, I know, I just thought that we would say that you did, so that we could give you a leg-up with my friends.
Alexis: Why would I need a leg-up with your friends?
Ted: No, no reason. They are very excited to meet you. [Alexis chuckles] Just... It did take a bit of convincing, after the called-off engagement...s. But, they have all agreed to give you one last chance.
Alexis: What?
Ted: I shouldn't have said one last chance, I just meant like, one more final chance. I- I'm making this sound worse than it is. They- They're gonna love you.

Quote from Ted

Alexis: Wow, what if something came up and I couldn't come?
Ted: Yeah. What if I missed chest and back day? Rather not think about it. Wait did something come up?
Alexis: No, no. Not at all. Um, my Dad just had this last minute idea of, um, throwing a Christmas party tonight.
Ted: So something did come up? I-I had thought that you said that your family doesn't celebrate Christmas?
Alexis: Well, we don't, normally. I honestly don't know what he's thinking.
Ted: Okay, but I don't wanna keep you from your family.
Alexis: You're not. I do want to meet your cool, scary, judgy friends, and the last thing I wanna do is cause you any trouble. So, why don't you just double this cookie recipe, and we'll drop a batch off to my parents on our way?
Ted: O...kay, that's just 72 more cookies to make, then.

Quote from Ray

Moira: Looks like you're down to your last little saplings, Raymond.
Ray: Yes, so we're selling these for a special price.
Johnny: Ah, see, the Christmas spirit is all around us.
Ray: Oh, I'm sorry, by special, I meant higher price, because of demand.
Johnny: Well, that's all right. The tree's just a gesture. We don't need anything fancy.
Ray: Okay, well, these over there are $100 per gesture, or 2 gestures for $175.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Let's go. I've had enough waking hours for one day.

Quote from Ray

Johnny: Moira, can I uh, see you in private, for a minute?
Ray: Please, take your time. Although uh, keep in mind, with our inventory dwindling, we're surge-pricing right now. [stands expectantly between Johnny and Moira until Johnny looks at him] Ah. [walks off]

Quote from Moira

Johnny: What's this, a pumpkin?
Moira: Perhaps a Christmas gourd.
Johnny: It's not a Christmas gourd, Moira.
Moira: I know, John, but you requested I get on board.

Quote from Stevie

Johnny: David, what's going on here? This, this stuff is garbage.
David: Um, it's Stevie's grandmother's decorations?
Johnny: And by garbage, Stevie, you know, I- I mean...
Stevie: Oh, no, no, no. It's- It's bad.
Johnny: What's this?
Stevie: Those would be Mardi Gras beads. Nanna Bud worked real hard for those.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: It's for the staff room? So you couldn't bring home decorations for your family on Christmas because you're saving money for a coffee maker for yourself?
Moira: I believe he said espresso machine.
Johnny: You're not helping, Moira.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Alexis, I thought we agreed that you and Ted would be coming here tonight?
Alexis: I know, but Ted's friends are having a thing, and everyone low-key hates me.
Ted: Uh, hate is a strong word.
Moira: Do you know what I think might put this jolly trolley back on track? The release of the tree.

Quote from Johnny

Moira: If we rotate it?
Ted: Allow me. I can do that. I'll just- No, no, actually we don't wanna do that. Looks like the other side has been charred, or something.
David: Um, what if we cut it up and turned it into garlands?
Johnny: Why don't we just cut it up for firewood? No this, this was a really stupid idea, a little Christmas party. Something to temporarily take our minds off things. But clearly this was too much for all of you. And you're right, why start making an effort now?
Moira: John?
Johnny: I'm gonna take a walk. It's meatloaf night at the cafe, and if anything is screaming Christmas to me right now, it's meatloaf. [exits]
Stevie: Okay I didn't wanna say anything, but meatloaf night was yesterday.

Quote from Twyla

Twyla: Mr. Rose! Can I take your plate?
Johnny: Oh, yes, yes, Twyla, and please, thank the kitchen for the meatloaf. I could've sworn it was Wednesdays.
Twyla: It's always been Tuesdays.
Johnny: Oh.
Twyla: Is everything okay, Mr. Rose?
Johnny: Why wouldn't it be, it's Christmas Eve?
Twyla: And yet, here you are, eating yesterday's meatloaf.

Quote from Twyla

Moira: Hi, John.
Johnny: Moira.
Moira: Twyla, thank you. I hope he didn't keep you too late. I'm sure you have somewhere to be.
Twyla: Actually, I do, but you guys take as long as you want. George will lock up.
Johnny: Merry Christmas, Twyla.
Twyla: Merry Christmas, Mr. Rose. Dinner is on us.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Oh, there's no booze in that! Ew! Ew!

Quote from Moira

Moira: Hm, the one nice thing about living in this desolate, lonely place, is it can, at times, be quite peaceful.
Johnny: Well, it wasn't too peaceful this afternoon, I'm sorry to say.
Moira: Oh, nah, it wouldn't be the holidays without at least one good family fight.
Johnny: No, but what was I thinking, Moira? Springing this party idea on everyone was a little last minute.
Moira: It appears there's been a Christmas miracle, John.

Quote from Stevie

Johnny: Oh, David! Is this the same tree?
David: Uh, theoretically. We have spent a very long time gluing it back together.
Patrick: Scary amount of super glue.
Stevie: Seriously, nobody should light a match in here.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Who wants bubbly?
Ted: Merry Christmas, Mr. Rose.
Alexis: Merry Christmas, Dad. You know I hate to miss a good party.
Johnny: See? I knew you could handle a guest list.

Quote from Patrick

David: Room looks good.
Patrick: Mmm-hmm.
Patrick: You still thinking about that espresso machine, aren't ya?
David: Yes. Yes, I am.
Patrick: One day.

Quote from Stevie

Jazzagals: [singing] Silent night Holy night All is calm All is bright Round yon virgin Mother and Child Holy Infant So tender and mild Sleep in heavenly peace Sleep in heavenly peace Oh sleep
Stevie: What? It's just nice. Nothing's happening.
David: Looks like you're crying.
Stevie: Oh well, I'm not. It's just we're- We ran out of red!
David: Oh.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Anyone interested in opening a gift tonight?
David: I thought you said we weren't doing presents?
Johnny: Well, you kids were so upset about there being no presents. The Church had a small rummage sale this morning, so I popped in. Close your eyes, Moira. Smaller, smaller, smaller.
Moira: A bomb?
Johnny: No, it's an antique tin.
Moira: Oh.
Johnny: For your wig pins.
Moira: Oh.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Little something for you, Alexis.
Alexis: Stickers! Of old men!
Johnny: No, they're stamps, from all over the world. David, I know you like money.
David: Yes. It's what looks like 1,000 Yen.
Johnny: Yeah.
David: Hm. It's like being right back in Japan.
Moira: Okay, okay, let's just smile and say thank you. Thank you.


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