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‘Roadkill’ Quotes Page 1 of 5    

Schitt's Creek: Roadkill

510. Roadkill

Aired March 12, 2019

On their way to a spa day, Johnny and Moira accidentally run over a family's cat. Meanwhile, David puts Alexis in charge of the store as he and Stevie set up stall at a flea market.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: When might we expect your daughter to show up? Because we do have a very busy day ahead of us.
Hank: Well, Baby's still sleeping. But if you wanna go and wake her up, tell her what happened, by all means.
Moira: Where is bébé's chamber?
Hank: [floorboards creak] Oh, there she is now. She's either up, or takin' a leak.
Moira: Either way, great progress for bébé.

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Quote from David

David: Are you hearing anything I'm saying?
Alexis: Yes. Stay off your phone. Wait for the delivery man to drop off whatever. You can trust me.
David: Okay, can I? Because the last time I left you in charge of something...
Alexis: Ugh! This is about those stupid Tamagotchi?
David: Actually it is.
Stevie: Okay guys.
Alexis: You left me with six of them, David. Taking care of that many is like a full-time job!
David: I left you with six adult Tamagotchis in perfect health! And by the time I came home, they were all dead. You have to like actively murder them in order for that to happen!

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Okay, well maybe there's something we can do.
Moira: Does bébé enjoy the theater?
Baby: Hmm?
Moira: How about two complimentary, partially-obstructed view seats to Cabaret?
Wife: No! She likes the Kinky Shoes.
Baby: You got tickets to Kinky Shoes?
Moira: I believe it's Kinky Boots. And no.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Well, maybe a professional massage might help ease Baby's pain.
Baby: I like massages.
Moira: So, now you're taking bébé to the spa?
Johnny: No, I wouldn't be taking her, Moira, but maybe Baby can take her, uh, grandmother.
Wife: I'm her mother!
Johnny: Yes, well that.
Moira: Yes, you are! And you are going to adore the rejuvenating facial peel.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Unfortunately for everyone, John, Stevie turned out to be quite the find. She'll need a lot of direction obviously, but you know, ballet intensive, perhaps some mittens to curb the nail biting.
Johnny: Moira, I love the way you pour yourself into your projects. But the whole point of this spa trip was to take a breather from cabaret.
Moira: Yes, John. I promise to enjoy the 60 minutes I'll spend having my deepest tissues palpated. Then a few sips of cucumber water. Factor in five minutes for you to use the facilities and we'll be back home by noon.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Uh-oh, what was that?
Moira: A tiny speed bump.
Johnny: Speed bump? We're in the middle of nowhere. Why would there be a speed bump? No, I think I, I think I hit an animal.
Moira: Oh, it's the circle of life, John. You've just provided a nice Passover Seder for a family of hawks.

Quote from Moira

Hank: Well then, why did you stop?
Johnny: We thought it was the decent thing to do.
Moira: Um, now that's done, and we have a very pressing engagement so.
Johnny: Well, my wife is so right, we're running very late right now.
Moira: The hammam Spas are notoriously fickle about refunds.

Quote from Moira

Moira: John, don't get too close, dear. We can't afford you contracting mange.
Johnny: It's a cat, Moira. I hit a cat!
Moira: Well, what kind of ailurophobe sends their kitty out to play on such a busy stretch of highway?

Quote from Stevie

David: I don't know why I'm feeling this like deep, aching sense of dread.
Alexis: David, I'm more than capable of looking after your store while you and Stevie work the flea market.
David: Why did Patrick have to book today of all days for his tax seminar? Like who voluntarily goes to a tax seminar?
Stevie: Maybe the kinds of people who want to keep their businesses?

Quote from David

Alexis: Um, you're welcome, by the way, David. Who knows, maybe after today you'll finally stop talking about Tamagotchi.
David: Unlikely, murderer.

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