Previous Episode Next Episode 

43Quotes from ‘Roadkill’

Schitt's Creek: Roadkill

510. Roadkill

Aired March 12, 2019

On their way to a spa day, Johnny and Moira accidentally run over a family's cat. Meanwhile, David puts Alexis in charge of the store as he and Stevie set up stall at a flea market.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: When might we expect your daughter to show up? Because we do have a very busy day ahead of us.
Hank: Well, Baby's still sleeping. But if you wanna go and wake her up, tell her what happened, by all means.
Moira: Where is bébé's chamber?
Hank: [floorboards creak] Oh, there she is now. She's either up, or takin' a leak.
Moira: Either way, great progress for bébé.

Rate

Quote from David

David: Are you hearing anything I'm saying?
Alexis: Yes. Stay off your phone. Wait for the delivery man to drop off whatever. You can trust me.
David: Okay, can I? Because the last time I left you in charge of something...
Alexis: Ugh! This is about those stupid Tamagotchi?
David: Actually it is.
Stevie: Okay guys.
Alexis: You left me with six of them, David. Taking care of that many is like a full-time job!
David: I left you with six adult Tamagotchis in perfect health! And by the time I came home, they were all dead. You have to like actively murder them in order for that to happen!

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Okay, well maybe there's something we can do.
Moira: Does bébé enjoy the theater?
Baby: Hmm?
Moira: How about two complimentary, partially-obstructed view seats to Cabaret?
Wife: No! She likes the Kinky Shoes.
Baby: You got tickets to Kinky Shoes?
Moira: I believe it's Kinky Boots. And no.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Well, maybe a professional massage might help ease Baby's pain.
Baby: I like massages.
Moira: So, now you're taking bébé to the spa?
Johnny: No, I wouldn't be taking her Moira, but maybe Baby can take her, uh, grandmother.
Wife: I'm her mother!
Johnny: Yes, well that.
Moira: Yes, you are! And you are going to adore the rejuvenating facial peel.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Unfortunately for everyone, John, Stevie turned out to be quite the find. She'll need a lot of direction obviously, but you know, ballet intensive, perhaps some mittens to curb the nail biting.
Johnny: Moira, I love the way you pour yourself into your projects. But the whole point of this spa trip was to take a breather from cabaret.
Moira: Yes, John. I promise to enjoy the 60 minutes I'll spend having my deepest tissues palpated. Then a few sips of cucumber water. Factor in five minutes for you to use the facilities and we'll be back home by noon.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Uh-oh, what was that?
Moira: A tiny speed bump.
Johnny: Speed bump? We're in the middle of nowhere. Why would there be a speed bump? No, I think I, I think I hit an animal.
Moira: Oh, it's the circle of life, John. You've just provided a nice Passover Seder for a family of hawks.

Quote from Moira

Moira: John, don't get too close, dear. We can't afford you contracting mange.
Johnny: It's a cat, Moira. I hit a cat!
Moira: Well, what kind of ailurophobe sends their kitty out to play on such a busy stretch of highway?

Quote from Moira

Hank: Well then, why did you stop?
Johnny: We thought it was the decent thing to do.
Moira: Um, now that's done, and we have a very pressing engagement so.
Johnny: Well, my wife is so right, we're running very late right now.
Moira: The hammam Spas are notoriously fickle about refunds.

Quote from Stevie

David: I don't know why I'm feeling this like deep, aching sense of dread.
Alexis: David, I'm more than capable of looking after your store while you and Stevie work the flea market.
David: Why did Patrick have to book today of all days for his tax seminar? Like who voluntarily goes to a tax seminar?
Stevie: Maybe the kinds of people who want to keep their businesses?

Quote from Stevie

Alexis: How did David con you into this anyway?
Stevie: It gives me an excuse to take a break from rehearsals with your mom for a day? Um, last night she texted me at 3 A.M. and all it said was "leggings."

Quote from David

Alexis: Um, you're welcome, by the way, David. Who knows, maybe after today you'll finally stop talking about Tamagotchi.
David: Unlikely, murderer.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: And we're not rushing through this, Moira. We've got an entire day of treatments ahead of us. Today is for slowing down, and getting reacquainted with our bodies.
Moira: Okay, just please give me a moment to make a decision on this chaise lounge.
Johnny: Oh, put the phone down, Moira. Whatever it is can wait.
Moira: It's for Fraulein Schneider's Salon. Do you prefer the olive suede to the Merlot? Similar texture but falls apart in emotional complexity.

Quote from Alexis

Ted: Well, I am not the delivery guy, but I come bearing gifts.
Alexis: But I didn't pay for that.
Ted: I know, I got it at the flea market.
Alexis: Mmm. Thank you for the delivery. Do you need my signature? [lowering her cardigan and bra strap] Oops.
Ted: Oh wow! [giggling] Uh, um, miss, seems that the strap has fallen off of your shoulder. I'd offer to put it back for you, but as a delivery guy, I don't know if it's my place.
Alexis: Oh, how respectful. Now, if only you had that much respect for my time. I've been waiting here forever.
Ted: Um, sorry that I'm late my grandmother passed this morning.
Alexis: Ew! Oh, my God, Ted!
Ted: Sorry, I wasn't prepared for an improv.
Alexis: No, it's fine, it's fine. Okay, what else weren't you prepared for?
Ted: The import taxes?

Quote from Moira

Hank: Can I help you?
Johnny: What beautiful day, isn't it?
Hank: Crops need rain.
Johnny: Yes, yes. Oh, as they often do. Um, well, we just had an unfortunate thing...
Moira: My husband struck down your feline with our car.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Well, we don't necessarily know whether the cat belongs to this uh, gentleman.
Hank: Well, what did it look like?
Johnny: The name on the tags was "Sergio"?
Hank: Well, that was him.
Wife: Oh, these city people driving too damn fast up and down this road.
Moira: No, I-I don't think speed was-was the thing here. No, my husband has what's called a feather foot.

Quote from David

Stevie: Roland, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be at the motel!
Roland: I'm on my coffee break, and I ran out of foot cream. Those are 3 for 15, yes?
David: These are not from our store.
Roland: Well, what are you talking about? I just got 'em off your table over there.
Stevie: That's not our table.
Roland: Well then, why were you standing there?
David: That's not me! And he's still standing there!
Roland: Okay um, do you want the sale, or not?
David: Uh no, you can buy our superior foot cream at a slightly higher price.
Roland: Geez. You were a lot nicer when I was talking to you over there.

Quote from Johnny

Baby: What's all this? Who are you?
Johnny: Uh, hi, Johnny Rose, Baby. This is my, uh...
Hank: Sergio's dead! What the hell?
Moira: Yes, it seems he had taken ill, and stumbled out on the road poor thing, presumably to end it all.
Baby: And then?
Johnny: And then we ran over him.

Quote from Ted

Alexis: Oh, um, I almost forgot, I never signed for that parcel.
Ted: Uh, I don't think the guy showed up?
Alexis: No, Ted...
Ted: Oh uh oh, yeah I I'd get your signature, but I guess I left my clipboard and scanner thing somewhere, so.
Alexis: Do you think it might be in David's new bathroom? Apparently it's just for customers, but he never lets anyone use it.
Ted: I remember now, I definitely left my scanner thing in there.
Alexis: Mmm-hmm, let's go. Let's go find your scanner thing.
Ted: Can I just request we actually drop the scanner thing bit just 'cause it's kinda throwing me off.

Quote from Moira

Hank: Listen folks, we don't want much, but you should cover the expenses of the funeral.
Johnny: The funeral for your cat?
Hank: Well, it was Baby's only cat.
Moira: Perhaps it's the lack of air, but I believe I saw three or four cats running around since this interrogation began.
Baby: It was my only tabby.

Quote from David

David: I'm so sorry, you had to hear this.
Wendy: No, David, I'm glad you told me. I was gonna go into business with this person. And I'm ashamed to say, in my weaker moments, I've been tempted to cheat on poor, sweet Brad.
David: With Antonio?
Wendy: Well, obviously you picked up on the intense heat between us if you thought we were a couple.
David: Yeah. Wendy, for several reasons I think you need to say goodbye to Antonio.
Wendy: Ugh. How am I gonna tell Brad. He and Antonio are roommates. They share this tiny one-bedroom together. And it is so crowded in there, they had to put the mirror on the ceiling.
David: Yeah. Best to shut all that down, I think.
Wendy: David, what would I do without you?
David: I literally don't know, Wendy.
Wendy: You wanna get high?
David: No, but thank you.

Quote from Ted

David: And you were here for this?
Ted: Um, no...
Alexis: Well, you were here for part of it.
Ted: Right. But I got here late my grandmother passed away.
David: Oh God!
Ted: A few years ago. And it just been real tough to get over.

Quote from David

David: Well, fortunately we had these security cameras installed, so I guess I'll just show that to the insurance people? I don't really know how this works. Patrick went to that seminar.
Alexis: Oh. Um, honestly, I-I don't think that you wanna do that.
David: You said that I could trust you. First, the Tamagotchies, now this? Get out of my store.
Alexis: Okay, fine. You can take the money for the sink out of what you were going to pay me for today.
David: I wasn't planning on paying you anything. Get out! You too. Very disappointed.
Alexis: And if we're pointing fingers, David, I've done it on a lot of sinks and I've never had an issue.
Ted: When you say you've done it on a lot of sinks...
David: Out! Ugh! I don't wanna touch this.


 Episode 509 Episode 511 
  Select another episode