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43Quotes from ‘Roadkill’

Schitt's Creek: Roadkill

510. Roadkill

Aired March 12, 2019

On their way to a spa day, Johnny and Moira accidentally run over a family's cat. Meanwhile, David puts Alexis in charge of the store as he and Stevie set up stall at a flea market.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: When might we expect your daughter to show up? Because we do have a very busy day ahead of us.
Hank: Well, Baby's still sleeping. But if you wanna go and wake her up, tell her what happened, by all means.
Moira: Where is bébé's chamber?
Hank: [floorboards creak] Oh, there she is now. She's either up, or takin' a leak.
Moira: Either way, great progress for bébé.

Quote from David

David: Are you hearing anything I'm saying?
Alexis: Yes. Stay off your phone. Wait for the delivery man to drop off whatever. You can trust me.
David: Okay, can I? Because the last time I left you in charge of something...
Alexis: Ugh! This is about those stupid Tamagotchi?
David: Actually it is.
Stevie: Okay guys.
Alexis: You left me with six of them, David. Taking care of that many is like a full-time job!
David: I left you with six adult Tamagotchis in perfect health! And by the time I came home, they were all dead. You have to like actively murder them in order for that to happen!

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Okay, well maybe there's something we can do.
Moira: Does bébé enjoy the theater?
Baby: Hmm?
Moira: How about two complimentary, partially-obstructed view seats to Cabaret?
Wife: No! She likes the Kinky Shoes.
Baby: You got tickets to Kinky Shoes?
Moira: I believe it's Kinky Boots. And no.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Well, maybe a professional massage might help ease Baby's pain.
Baby: I like massages.
Moira: So, now you're taking bébé to the spa?
Johnny: No, I wouldn't be taking her Moira, but maybe Baby can take her, uh, grandmother.
Wife: I'm her mother!
Johnny: Yes, well that.
Moira: Yes, you are! And you are going to adore the rejuvenating facial peel.

Quote from Moira

Hank: Well then, why did you stop?
Johnny: We thought it was the decent thing to do.
Moira: Um, now that's done, and we have a very pressing engagement so.
Johnny: Well, my wife is so right, we're running very late right now.
Moira: The hammam Spas are notoriously fickle about refunds.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Unfortunately for everyone, John, Stevie turned out to be quite the find. She'll need a lot of direction obviously, but you know, ballet intensive, perhaps some mittens to curb the nail biting.
Johnny: Moira, I love the way you pour yourself into your projects. But the whole point of this spa trip was to take a breather from cabaret.
Moira: Yes, John. I promise to enjoy the 60 minutes I'll spend having my deepest tissues palpated. Then a few sips of cucumber water. Factor in five minutes for you to use the facilities and we'll be back home by noon.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Uh-oh, what was that?
Moira: A tiny speed bump.
Johnny: Speed bump? We're in the middle of nowhere. Why would there be a speed bump? No, I think I, I think I hit an animal.
Moira: Oh, it's the circle of life, John. You've just provided a nice Passover Seder for a family of hawks.

Quote from Moira

Moira: John, don't get too close, dear. We can't afford you contracting mange.
Johnny: It's a cat, Moira. I hit a cat!
Moira: Well, what kind of ailurophobe sends their kitty out to play on such a busy stretch of highway?

Quote from Stevie

David: I don't know why I'm feeling this like deep, aching sense of dread.
Alexis: David, I'm more than capable of looking after your store while you and Stevie work the flea market.
David: Why did Patrick have to book today of all days for his tax seminar? Like who voluntarily goes to a tax seminar?
Stevie: Maybe the kinds of people who want to keep their businesses?

Quote from Alexis

Ted: Well, I am not the delivery guy, but I come bearing gifts.
Alexis: But I didn't pay for that.
Ted: I know, I got it at the flea market.
Alexis: Mmm. Thank you for the delivery. Do you need my signature? [lowering her cardigan and bra strap] Oops.
Ted: Oh wow! [giggling] Uh, um, miss, seems that the strap has fallen off of your shoulder. I'd offer to put it back for you, but as a delivery guy, I don't know if it's my place.
Alexis: Oh, how respectful. Now, if only you had that much respect for my time. I've been waiting here forever.
Ted: Um, sorry that I'm late my grandmother passed this morning.
Alexis: Ew! Oh, my God, Ted!
Ted: Sorry, I wasn't prepared for an improv.
Alexis: No, it's fine, it's fine. Okay, what else weren't you prepared for?
Ted: The import taxes?

Quote from Moira

Hank: Can I help you?
Johnny: What beautiful day, isn't it?
Hank: Crops need rain.
Johnny: Yes, yes. Oh, as they often do. Um, well, we just had an unfortunate thing...
Moira: My husband struck down your feline with our car.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Well, we don't necessarily know whether the cat belongs to this uh, gentleman.
Hank: Well, what did it look like?
Johnny: The name on the tags was "Sergio"?
Hank: Well, that was him.
Wife: Oh, these city people driving too damn fast up and down this road.
Moira: No, I-I don't think speed was-was the thing here. No, my husband has what's called a feather foot.

Quote from David

Stevie: Roland, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be at the motel!
Roland: I'm on my coffee break, and I ran out of foot cream. Those are 3 for 15, yes?
David: These are not from our store.
Roland: Well, what are you talking about? I just got 'em off your table over there.
Stevie: That's not our table.
Roland: Well then, why were you standing there?
David: That's not me! And he's still standing there!
Roland: Okay um, do you want the sale, or not?
David: Uh no, you can buy our superior foot cream at a slightly higher price.
Roland: Geez. You were a lot nicer when I was talking to you over there.

Quote from Johnny

Baby: What's all this? Who are you?
Johnny: Uh, hi, Johnny Rose, Baby. This is my, uh...
Hank: Sergio's dead! What the hell?
Moira: Yes, it seems he had taken ill, and stumbled out on the road poor thing, presumably to end it all.
Baby: And then?
Johnny: And then we ran over him.

Quote from Ted

Alexis: Oh, um, I almost forgot, I never signed for that parcel.
Ted: Uh, I don't think the guy showed up?
Alexis: No, Ted...
Ted: Oh uh oh, yeah I I'd get your signature, but I guess I left my clipboard and scanner thing somewhere, so.
Alexis: Do you think it might be in David's new bathroom? Apparently it's just for customers, but he never lets anyone use it.
Ted: I remember now, I definitely left my scanner thing in there.
Alexis: Mmm-hmm, let's go. Let's go find your scanner thing.
Ted: Can I just request we actually drop the scanner thing bit just 'cause it's kinda throwing me off.

Quote from Moira

Hank: Listen folks, we don't want much, but you should cover the expenses of the funeral.
Johnny: The funeral for your cat?
Hank: Well, it was Baby's only cat.
Moira: Perhaps it's the lack of air, but I believe I saw three or four cats running around since this interrogation began.
Baby: It was my only tabby.

Quote from David

David: I'm so sorry, you had to hear this.
Wendy: No, David, I'm glad you told me. I was gonna go into business with this person. And I'm ashamed to say, in my weaker moments, I've been tempted to cheat on poor, sweet Brad.
David: With Antonio?
Wendy: Well, obviously you picked up on the intense heat between us if you thought we were a couple.
David: Yeah. Wendy, for several reasons I think you need to say goodbye to Antonio.
Wendy: Ugh. How am I gonna tell Brad. He and Antonio are roommates. They share this tiny one-bedroom together. And it is so crowded in there, they had to put the mirror on the ceiling.
David: Yeah. Best to shut all that down, I think.
Wendy: David, what would I do without you?
David: I literally don't know, Wendy.
Wendy: You wanna get high?
David: No, but thank you.

Quote from Ted

David: And you were here for this?
Ted: Um, no...
Alexis: Well, you were here for part of it.
Ted: Right. But I got here late my grandmother passed away.
David: Oh God!
Ted: A few years ago. And it just been real tough to get over.

Quote from David

David: Well, fortunately we had these security cameras installed, so I guess I'll just show that to the insurance people? I don't really know how this works. Patrick went to that seminar.
Alexis: Oh. Um, honestly, I-I don't think that you wanna do that.
David: You said that I could trust you. First, the Tamagotchies, now this? Get out of my store.
Alexis: Okay, fine. You can take the money for the sink out of what you were going to pay me for today.
David: I wasn't planning on paying you anything. Get out! You too. Very disappointed.
Alexis: And if we're pointing fingers, David, I've done it on a lot of sinks and I've never had an issue.
Ted: When you say you've done it on a lot of sinks...
David: Out! Ugh! I don't wanna touch this.

Quote from Stevie

Alexis: How did David con you into this anyway?
Stevie: It gives me an excuse to take a break from rehearsals with your mom for a day? Um, last night she texted me at 3 A.M. and all it said was "leggings."

Quote from David

Alexis: Um, you're welcome, by the way, David. Who knows, maybe after today you'll finally stop talking about Tamagotchi.
David: Unlikely murderer.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: And we're not rushing through this, Moira. We've got an entire day of treatments ahead of us. Today is for slowing down, and getting reacquainted with our bodies.
Moira: Okay, just please give me a moment to make a decision on this chaise lounge.
Johnny: Oh, put the phone down, Moira. Whatever it is can wait.
Moira: It's for Fraulein Schneider's Salon. Do you prefer the olive suede to the Merlot? Similar texture but falls apart in emotional complexity.

Quote from David

Wendy: Well, I guess that makes us flea buddies. I've got my own booth.
David: Wow, so we're reopening the Blouse Barn?
Wendy: Oh, no, no, no, just test driving a new business idea, brought to me by my new partner, Antonio. Antonio! What are you doing? Come over here, so I can show you off! Well, Antonio, say hi to everyone.
Antonio: [softly] Hi.
David: You look very familiar. Have I seen you in my store before?
Antonio: I don't think so.
David: Okay. He seems sweet.
Wendy: He reminds me a lot of you.
David: Well, isn't that a compliment. For him.

Quote from Stevie

Wendy: I better get back and help Tony set up the booth. It was such a treat seeing you, David! And you, Karen!
Stevie: Karen's a new one.

Quote from David

David: I have definitely seen that guy in my store before.
Stevie: Do you think that Wendy knows her fiance has been checking out every guy in here?
Wendy: She has the worst taste in men. At one point, she told me she was looking for a Jon Gosselin type.

Quote from Moira

Moira: So, you and I just innocently witnessed an 18-wheeler barrelling down...
Johnny: Moira, I'm just gonna be honest, all right? There was an accident, it was tragic, unavoidable, and then we'll be on our way.

Quote from Johnny

Wendy: You're going to the spa?
Hank: Well, that does sound important, but since you just killed my daughter's cat, coming inside to break the news to her might be a little bit more important. Don't you think?
Moira: Hm, John, shall I pick you up on the way back? I know how desperate you were for me to have my day of detox.
Johnny: No! No, Moira! I think it's better if you come inside with me, so we can uh, break the news together.

Quote from David

David: [to Stevie] Okay, this is the last of them, unless you wanted me to bring in the 14 coffee cups and 3 empty chip bags that are also in your back seat?

Quote from David

Stevie: David, remember when you thought Wendy's partner had been in your store before?
David: He has been in my store before.
Stevie: Well, I think I know why he wasn't being so upfront about it.
David: Okay, I know what you're gonna say, and I also thought that he was into me for a second, but I'm pretty sure that's just his face.

Quote from David

Stevie: Look over at their booth, and tell me you don't notice any similarities.
David: What the actual fuck?!
Stevie: I know.
David: They've ripped off our entire store.
Stevie: Yeah.
David: Tulips instead of roses? Woof! Similar products. The labels even look like ours.
Stevie: Except, their stuff's half price.
David: What? Well, we have a very loyal customer base who would not be fooled by some skanky knockoff.

Quote from Moira

Moira: [whispering] How far do you think we'd get if we just started running?

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: Clearly that brand loyalty you were talking about is really paying off.
David: I'd like to pay you off to not be here anymore.

Quote from David

Stevie: Roland, what are you still doing here?
Roland: This will only take a second. Dave, I don't know if you remember or not, but I purchased some foot cream from you earlier?
David: That wasn't our foot cream.
Roland: Yeah, okay, well you took my 15 bucks, and now I'd like a refund, because I realized I've used this stuff before, and it makes my feet stink.
David: Give me that. [sniffs] Ugh! It smells like pennies and burps!

Quote from David

Stevie: Oh, yeah. Wait, that smells exactly like the stuff we used to use at the motel. Like, exactly.
Wait a second... That's why! Gel Time Moist Liquid. Contains 100% moist liquid.
Roland: Uh-oh, Davey got busted!
David: Okay, this is not our product, Roland! Anyone who sells counterfeit luxury beauty products is clearly a sociopath.
Roland: Dave, I don't wanna tell you how to run your business, but 3 or 15 dollars for Gel Time is a total rip-off. I mean, pharmacies hand those out for free on Halloween.
Stevie: David, you have to talk to Wendy.
David: Okay, what am I gonna tell her? That her curious life partner, who looks nothing like me, is some big old con artist?

Quote from Roland

Roland: $18 for toner? Why don't you just put on some Gel Time? That stuff will strip your skin right off.

Quote from Moira

Moira: How are we still trapped in this Gothic horror show?
Johnny: You know, I think we've already missed the seaweed wrap, and at this rate, it's not looking good for the salt scrub.

Quote from David

Wendy: David! Isn't this great? The two of us, back together! Successful in business! Successful in love.
David: Mmm-hmm, totally. Quick question for you.
Wendy: You know, when Antonio came to me with this idea, I wasn't sure there was a market for another general store. Everyone is doing them now.
David: Yeah, I was one of the first, but I get it.
Wendy: And they sell all the same stuff. I'm sure you've noticed a similarity between our products and yours.
David: Sure did. Wendy can I speak with you for a moment?
Wendy: Sure. Why don't we go over to your booth? It's so much quieter.

Quote from David

David: Um, I don't wanna be the one to have to tell you this, but it's about your fiancee.
Wendy: You know Brad?
David: Who's Brad?
Wendy: My fiance.
David: I thought you and Antonio were...
Wendy: Oh, David... [laughs] We're business partners.
David: Oh! Okay. Well, that's gonna make this a little easier. Turns out Antonio is a common criminal.

Quote from Alexis

David: So, the delivery man came in, used the bathroom, somehow broke the sink, and then left without delivering the package?
Alexis: That is correct.
David: I just find it strange that he would then leave a note saying, "Sorry I missed you".
Alexis: Yeah. No I think he meant, like, sorry I missed you. Because I was here the entire time. And I actually think that he was like a little bit drunk, because he knocked over a lot of things.

Quote from David

Wendy: David, what would I do without you?
David: I literally don't know, Wendy.
Wendy: You wanna get high?
David: No, but thank you.

Quote from David

David: Okay, so this is really good, we just need everything facing forward. Facing forward. Facing forward. See what I'm doing here?
Stevie: Okay, like a serial killer?

Quote from David

Wendy: David Rose! [chuckles]
David: Oh, God!
Wendy: Would you look at that? If this isn't a full circle moment, then I'm not twice divorced.
David: My God, Wendy! [gasps]
Wendy: This must be your wife.
David: No.
Stevie: God, no.
David: No, no, Wendy, this is my friend, Stevie. Stevie, this is Wendy. Wendy used to employ me at the Blouse Barn.

Quote from Stevie

Wendy: I'm so sorry, I don't mean to jump to conclusions. I guess I've got marriage on the brain again. If you can believe it, I'm engaged!
David: Hmm, wow.
Stevie: Congratulations.
Wendy: Well, you know what they say about love, it's like target practice. If you just keep shooting at it... Anyway, David, I was hoping you would have settled down by now.
David: Oh, I actually own this business with my partner.
Wendy: Get outta town!
Stevie: I know, I am as shocked as you are.


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