Roland: It's a hell of a story, Johnny. So I'm next door, I'm cleaning the bathroom and I want a snack. So I grab some of those jail time toaster pops and I put them in the toaster, and suddenly there's a fire.
Johnny: Oh, Roland.
Roland: Why do they call them toaster pops if it says on the box, "Do not toast"?

Woman: Good morning, are you here for Benny Terkstra?
Roland: Uh, I spoke with somebody named Betty, but I was mowing the lawn at the time, so your guess is as good as mine.
Woman: Betty is Benny's wife. Please, follow me.
Roland: Huh, Betty and Benny? [chuckles] What are they, puppets? [cartoonish voice] It's the Benny and Betty Show!
Johnny: Okay, Roland...
Roland: Tu! Tu! I'm Betty. I'm Benny. I'm Betty!

Stevie: Why do I get the feeling this isn't an open house?
Roland: Maybe it's because of the coffin.
Johnny: This is a funeral, Roland! What exactly did the woman say to you?!
Roland: She said the showing was at nine o'clock. She may have said viewing.
Johnny: What the hell, Roland?!
Roland: Johnny, language, please! A man is dead.

Stevie: Well, I hate to point this out, Mr. Rose, but if you weren't in such a rush to see this place, we wouldn't be at a funeral.
Johnny: No, it's what happens when you leave anything up to Roland. We just have to find a window where we can leave without anybody seeing us. Because the last thing we want to do is offend the woman that's selling us this place.
Stevie: Well, assuming we're actually buying it.
Roland: You know what they say, you can tell the quality of a motel by the food they serve at the owner's funeral.
Johnny: We're not even supposed to be here, Roland, can you put the plate... Is that egg salad?

Betty: Well, now that you're here, why don't you come on in, and pay your respects to Benny?
Johnny: Oh...
Betty: Considering you may be taking over his home.
Johnny: Yes, yes, yes. Well, sure. We can come in, and pay our respects.
Roland: Too bad it's not an open casket. I would've loved to say goodbye to old Benny's face.
Betty: We'd be happy to open it for you.
Johnny: No, no, closed-closed is fine.

Johnny: I think the pitch for the new motel went well. If all goes to plan, we should be able to move forward even without Stevie.
Roland: I want you to know, Johnny, I am not gonna abandon you like she did.
Johnny: Stevie didn't abandon us.
Roland: Well, jump ship. Look, origami!

Loan Officer: The bank has assessed that you don't have enough assets to secure the loan.
Johnny: I have assets. I'm invested in the motel.
Loan Officer: Which doesn't appear to be in your name.
Johnny: That's right, it's in my partner's name.
Loan Officer: So, you're Stevie Budd?
Stevie: [chuckles] No. Believe it or not, that's actually a woman's name.

Johnny: Well, she said there was nothing she could do. Apparently, I don't have enough assets.
Roland: Yeah, she said apparently Johnny doesn't have enough assets.
Johnny: Yeah, and the problem is, how do you get assets... without the loan?
Roland: But the the problem is, how do you get assets without a loan?
Johnny: Roland, you're not adding anything to the sentence, you're just repeating what I said.

Roland: Well, you know, uh, I don't wanna be the town gossip here, but, uh, the other day, I got a look at Bob's financial statement on his desk in the office, and that garage is doing great! Plus, he got plugs last year, but... you didn't hear that from me.

Johnny: Oh, Roland, I'm shocked. These rooms are in good shape.
Roland: Well, I don't know what you were expecting, Johnny. I mean, no offense, but I don't throw good money down on lemons. Who am I, you buying your car?
Johnny: Okay, we've had no problems with the car, Roland.
Roland: Well...