David: Okay, look, um, I would hardly call myself an expert on this subject, and by subject I mean genuine human emotion. So, I am just going to tell you what I know. And you can do whatever you want with that. Okay? I know that your name has come up in conversation every single day, for the past 6 months. Um, I know that she's different now I mean, not that different, obviously, but, um, different enough to know that she made a mistake with you. Or was it two mistakes? Or more..?
Ted: No, it was just the two.
David: Yeah. Anyway, so you've been burned, a couple times. Um, have we met? I've been burned so many times, I'm basically the human equivalent of the inside of a roasted marshmallow. Um, but I think it's important for us to remember that sometimes, sometimes it does work out. And, um, even though everything inside us is telling us to protect ourselves, when you've got it, don't let it go. Um, [clears throat], and I am telling you, that you have got it, if you want it.

Patrick: How'd it go with Ted?
David: [kisses Patrick] I love you. [holding back tears]
Patrick: I know I'll never be able to compete with Mariah.
David: Mm.
Patrick: It just kind of feels like one of those perfect moments that you dream about. Except in my dream, I'm holding a nice cup of tea.
David: Oh, fuck.
Patrick: I'm kidding. I don't need the tea.
David: No, I am making this perfect moment, perfect.

Moira: Patrick, do you take David to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Patrick: I do.
Moira: And David. [voice breaks, shouts] David, do you take Patrick to be your lawfully wedded husband?
David: I do.
Moira: I now pronounce you husband and husband. You may kiss each other.

David: Okay, now this game is called sleepy mommy. Jocelyn's sitting on the couch, she's our sleepy mommy. Now mommy's had a very hard day with baby, and needs a bit of a break. And that's where we come in. We're each gonna take turns popping pills into mommy's mouth. Now unfortunately, these are breath mints, we couldn't afford actual benzo's, but the person that does get the most tranqs into mommy's mouth, will walk away with whatever's left of the soft cheese station.

Patrick: Makes me think that we should be taking more products from the back and actually putting them out there.
David: Mmm-hmm. Okay. No, no, no, no, no. No! No! Fine, I'm terrible at compromise! There, I said it. Like Beyonce, I excel as a solo artist, and I was also dressed by my mother well into my teens, okay?
Stevie: Let it out David, let it out.

Johnny: What's that?
David: Eye cream.
Johnny: From where?
David: From Paris.
Johnny: How did you pay for it?
David: Oh, one of my credit cards is still working.
Johnny: Oh, you're charging things to your credit card?! I see, and how are you gonna pay for it?
David: I don't think you understand, I already have it.
Johnny: Well, I know this is a bizarre concept for you, David, but if you want cream from Paris, you need a job, so you can pay for the cream from Paris!
David: Okay. Well, tell that to the bags under my eyes, then.

Stevie: It's just your clothes, they're all kind of funky.
David: Funky?
Stevie: Yeah. Funky.
David: Yeah, no, no, no. I'm just trying to figure out- What about this- What about this is funky? I'm just having a hard time understanding.
Stevie: It's just, you know, like funky. Different.
David: Yeah, funky is a neon t-shirt you buy at an airport gift shop, next to a bejeweled iPhone case. This- This is luxury.

David: Can you get a heart murmur from a lack of sleep? Because I have not slept since we've got here and I think my body is shutting down.
Alexis: Well, I hate to admit it, but I actually know very little about heart murmurs.
David: Well, I have one. Uh, the pulse is very irregular.
Alexis: Honestly, David, I have tried to find my pulse like a thousand times and nothing. So don't worry about it.
David: No, this is very serious! My heart has not rested in a long time, my immune system is very low, I have not been able to find kale anywhere here.

David: So what was going on there?
Alexis: Oh, nothing. He hasn't even asked for my phone number, which in my experience, means he's either newly married or he's gay. Okay, so, like if you're sensing a vibe or something, maybe that means that his eye's on somebody else.
David: He's a business major who wears straight-legged, mid-range denim. He's not into me.
Alexis: Okay, well it's either that or he's really into your store, which no offence seems a lot less likely to me.

Alexis: Remember when he dumped you? And you ate all those mall pretzels, and watched "Bridget Jones's Diary" every day for a year.
David: It wasn't a whole year, and I will not feel shame about the mall pretzels.