Patrick: Hey, have you given any more thought to, uh, when you wanna start telling people? I'm kinda scared to do it today, I don't think your mom would want anything upstaging opening night of the show.
David: Yeah, and I think we need that added hiccup, so...
Patrick: So, tomorrow then?
David: Yeah. I mean, I haven't really given it that much thought.
Patrick: Yeah.
David: So one other option. What if, after the show tonight, we corralled a few people back to the motel? You know, we talk about the show for five to ten minutes, then maybe dim the lights, pop some bubbly, put some music on. I could stand up and give a speech. I'd look to you, you don't need to give a speech, but at this point I think Alexis will be getting misty, which will send sort of this intoxicating ripple effect through the room. Most people will be sobbing. And I'll be holding back tears, but the fact that I'm holding them back, I think, will make it all the more powerful. And you can be topping up drinks.
Patrick: Great to know you've barely given this any thought.

Patrick: David, I know that you don't want kids, and that's fine with me, okay? I was very high on anaesthetic.
David: Okay, it's just that earlier today, when we were in Stevie's car because your car's always in the shop, you had mentioned that you'd always pictured yourself having a kid.
Patrick: You've never pictured yourself doing something that didn't end up happening?
David: Of course. I'm not married to Christina Aguilera, am I?

Patrick: I don't wanna rub salt in the wound here, David, but Jocelyn is kinda crushing it.
David: Okay, I have also had a very active day on the sales floor.
Patrick: David, she has sold more in one day than we have all week. And you've spent the better part of the afternoon standing in the corner giving her cut-eye.
David: I'm mentoring her, and monitoring her progress. And frankly, it's not moving as fast as I'd like.
Patrick: Why can't you just admit that she is an asset?
David: It's probably beginner's luck, like when you walk into a casino and win big on your first pull of the "Basic Instinct" slot machine.
Patrick: Okay, I'm beginning to think that that is the high point of your entire life.

David: There's a collection of undershirts hang drying outside of my room. Um, is there any way they could be removed, or is there like, a Texas Chainsaw movie being filmed out there that I'm not aware of?

Alexis: Okay, so you have to keep it upright.
David: I don't even wanna do this!
Alexis: David, you're gonna feel so good, trust me.
David: Oh, my God, you know that I have bad foot-eye coordination, you didn't have to wear corrective leg braces for three months.
Alexis: You can't blame everything on having been pigeon-toed, David.

David: Okay, so how much money do you need? And please keep in mind that I had a negative balance in there last week.

Patrick: What's goin' on?
David: Well, um, Jocelyn came in here this morning looking like Adam Sandler on a red carpet. Poor thing is planning her own baby shower, so I volunteered to help.

David: Question. The cedar planks out behind the motel, are they being used for something, or are they up for grabs?
Stevie: How do you know it's cedar?
David: Um, I bought a cologne once, in Japan, that's supposed to smell like the aftermath of a car crashing into a cedar tree.
Stevie: Why would anyone wanna smell like that?

Stevie: Uh, it looks like a bug. Trapped under a glass.
David: I Googled that bug. It's some sort of demonic cricket that "takes chunks out of your skin when provoked." Chunks is the word that Google used.
Stevie: You Googled a bug?
David: Yeah. I have a thing about bugs with milky exoskeletons. I have this irrational fear they are gonna crawl into my mouth and nest at night, so...

David: Sorry, um, this is just one big rip off of The Birds.
Moira: This is about crows! It's much more specific!
David: And the dialogue. "Look, they've taken Clara!" "Where are they carrying her to, Clara?" Are there two Claras?!
Moira: It's a common name.