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38Quotes from ‘Wine and Roses’

Schitt's Creek: Wine and Roses

106. Wine and Roses

Aired February 10, 2015

Moira gets her first acting role in a long time, promoting a local vinter. Meanwhile, the move to Schitt's Creek takes its toll on David's health.

Quote from Moira

Moira: In the lee of a picturesque ridge lies a small, unpretentious winery, one that pampers its fruit like its own babies. Hi! I'm Moira Rose, and if you love fruit wine as much as I do, then you'll appreciate the craftsmanship and quality of a local vintner who brings the musk melon goodness to his oak Chardonnay, and the dazzling peach cral-bapple to his Riesling Rioja. Come taste the difference good fruit can make in your wine. You'll remember the experience and you'll remember the name. Herb Erfling ger. Burt Herngeif. Irv Herb-blinger. Bing Livehaanger. Liveling. Burt Herkurn. Ban- Bingo Ling-fucker!

Quote from David

David: Can you get a heart murmur from a lack of sleep? Because I have not slept since we've got here and I think my body is shutting down.
Alexis: Well, I hate to admit it, but I actually know very little about heart murmurs.
David: Well, I have one. Uh, the pulse is very irregular.
Alexis: Honestly, David, I have tried to find my pulse like a thousand times and nothing. So don't worry about it.
David: No, this is very serious! My heart has not rested in a long time, my immune system is very low, I have not been able to find kale anywhere here.

Quote from Ted

David: I'm just not sleeping. I think there's a lack of oxygen getting to my heart because I'm feeling very suffocated.
Ted: Okay, right. Well, if it is a heart attack we're way too far away from the nearest hospital for you to make it through the night.
David: What?
Ted: Kidding.

Quote from Moira

Moira: I can't feel my tongue. But I know it's there because I'm talking.

Quote from Alexis

Mutt: So can I ask you a question? Why do you always get dressed up to do this? I mean, it doesn't seem very practical.
Alexis: Naomi Campbell wore Dolce & Gabbana couture to her community service. And just because she was picking up roadkill did not mean that she needed to look like it. And I just always really admired her courage.
Mutt: Um. I didn't understand a word you just said.
Alexis: Besides, it's nice to, uh, change clothes every once in a while. Something you might wanna consider doing at some point.
Mutt: I change my clothes. They're just all the same.

Quote from David

Alexis: How long are we going to be talking about you for?
David: I think I'm having a heart attack, is what's happening!
Alexis: David, you are like 34.
David: I'm basically 29.
Alexis: Oh, my God, you are overreacting.
David: I think you're gonna feel very guilty when I slip into a coma and you have to come visit me in the hospital at hospice.

Quote from Moira

Herb Ertlinger: Now, it's fruit wine, which is exciting in itself. But the thing we're most proud of is that our fruit is 100% insecticide free.
Johnny: Ah!
Moira: Mm! [drinking] Mm! Mm. There's something in mine.
Herb Ertlinger: Oh, that's a ladybug. That's one of the good ones. Excuse me. [answering phone] Herb Ertlinger...
Moira: No, this tastes like something one should not put in their mouth.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: It's fruit wine. Whoever heard of fruit wine? Doesn't matter, it's a business. I'll make it work.
Moira: It's next to a landfill, John.
Johnny: He said former landfill.

Quote from David

Ted: Well, the good thing is, I don't think that you need an ambulance, David, because what I think is happening here is you're having a panic attack.
David: Oh no, those- Those aren't real. Those are a PR spin for celebrity publicists. Trust me, I've known enough celebrities.
Ted: No, it's absolutely a- A real thing. Uh, tell me, have you had any experiences lately that have caused you stress or anxiety?
David: Uh, well, I went from living in a 2500 square foot Soho live/workspace to a motel room with my sister.
Ted: Wow. Eek. That'll do it.

Quote from Moira

Moira: "Hello, I'm Moira Rose for Herb-" "Oh, hi! I'm Moira Rose for Herb Ertlinger wines inviting you to try our latest offering, a fruity Cab Franc we call-" "We call Herb Ertlinger's fruity cab-" Oh, no. No, no, no. No good. Uh "Smokey tannins infuse this rich blend with a plummy bouquet."
Johnny: "Plummy bouquet"? Is this guy for real?
Moira: His turns of phrase leave much to be desired, but the wine is potable.
Johnny: You called it liquid stink this morning.
Moira: The whites seem less stinky.

Quote from Mutt

Mutt: Don't worry, they're fresh. They're clean.
Alexis: Hmm. Ooh! Smell that rock-beaten freshness. What?
Mutt: It's just I do beat my laundry against rocks.
Alexis: You're a freak.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Hello, I'm Moira Rose. And if you like fruit wine as much as I do, discover a winery that pours care and craftsmanship into every glace. Oh, I'm sorry. I wanted to say glass, but I was thinking case.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Hello, I'm Moira Rose, and if you enjoy flute line as much as-
Director: What? Uh you said "flute line."
Moira: Oh. Oh, that is funny.
Director: No problem. Uh, back to ones. And when you're ready... Action!
Moira: Hello, I'm Moina Rose, and if you Li-
Director: Okay, back to ones. Still rolling.
Moira: Why? Why?
Director: You said "moina."
Moira: Are you sure?
Director: Yeah.

Quote from Moira

Moira: I can't. Can't.
Johnny: You can! Moira, remember "Sunrise Bay?" You were drunk most of season three. And half of season four. End of season five.
Moira: I'll have to take your word for it.

Quote from Alexis

Johnny: Kids! David, answer the phone!
Alexis: He has his headphones in; he can't hear it.
Johnny: Then you answer it!
Alexis: Okay! [answering phone] Hello?
Johnny: Alexis, could you open the door, please? I'll take it.
Alexis: No, sorry, you have the wrong room. He's actually in room 6.
Johnny: Alexis, unlock the door please!
Alexis: Okay! No problem. Bye. He's gonna call you back in your room!
Johnny: No!
Moira: [answering phone] Hello? [hangs up]

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Well, I'm gonna go for a jog, so don't die until I get back.
David: Well, how long are you going for?
Alexis: Um, I don't really know. How long are you gonna be like this for?
David: Don't be a little b- when I'm in this state.
Alexis: Bye!

Quote from Moira

Herb Ertlinger: Sorry. I was looking into a new sprayer. And I brought you this It's our Cabernet Merlot petit grenache.
Johnny: Oh!
Moira: Sounds delightfully busy.

Quote from Moira

Herb Ertlinger: Johnny, while I appreciate that offer, it's actually not your help I'm looking for.
Johnny: Oh.
Herb Ertlinger: No. It's you, Moira. We were hoping that you will be the spokesperson for Herb Ertlinger fruit wines.
Moira: I- I don't understand.
Herb Ertlinger: My wife and I were such big fans of "Sunrise Bay." And we would be an honoured to have you do just a few commercials to promote our wine. That is, of course, if you like it.
Moira: Like it? It's fruit wine. What's not to like?

Quote from David

David: So, an hour ago, I thought I was having a heart attack.
Stevie: Oh no!
David: Yup, yup. Yup. Um, but I'm not.
Stevie: Oh, phew!
David: According to Web MD, I'm having a pulmonary embolism, which is much, much worse.
Stevie: Well, you look good.
David: That's just the way I look.

Quote from Stevie

David: I need you to take me to a hospital right now.
Stevie: Yeah, the only hospital's in Elmdale.
David: You're telling me there's no doctor around here? People just drop dead in the streets out of sheer neglect?
Stevie: Well, there is, technically, a doctor.
David: Then, please take me to that doctor right now.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: How about this tote bag? Two-ply toilet paper has more heft.
Moira: I'm sensing negativity, John. Is this because he did not take you up on your offer?
Johnny: Are you kidding me? Come on! Hey, I haven't even given that guy a second's thought since I got home.
I was doing him a favour, that's all. I don't want him tarnishing your reputation. I mean, have you read the literature? Look at this. "The maximum benefit of the peach-ification process." "Peachafication!" Who uses a word like "peachafication"? A moron would use that.

Quote from Johnny

Moira: John, this commercial, in the right hands, could be I don't want to use the word "comeback," that's I don't wanna jinx it, but John, no one knows the business better than you do.
Johnny: Oh, honey, I'm just the money behind the scenes. Not that I don't have a few company commercials under my belt, but If you want me in your corner, I'm there.
Moira: Oh, John.
Johnny: Thank you. I'll do what I can.
Moira: Thank you.
Johnny: But seriously, how cheap ass is that bag?

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: It's actually nice in here.
Mutt: Well, I'm not Valentino, but you know. Okay, well, don't try and be funny about it. It just happens naturally.
Alexis: It's that, um, when a guy can pack his whole wardrobe into an overnight bag, you just don't really think that he'd be much of an interior designer.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: What uh what kind of lens are we using here?
Director: It's, uh, it's a zoom lens.
Johnny: Oh, zoom! Good, good, good.
Director: Yup, yeah.
Johnny: Any primes? Any primes? Using any primes?
Director: Nah. Those are usually for feature films.
Johnny: Yeah. Yeah. No, it's just I- What's the, uh, ring light situation? Do you think we need an inkey?
Director: Uh, I don't know, I don't know. I-
Johnny: Are we booming this today?

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Ew!
David: Sssh!
Alexis: Why is it dark? It's like a witch's house in here, David.

Quote from Alexis

David: Shush!
Alexis: What's going on?
David: I am on day two of a panic attack and I have not slept at all.
Alexis: Babe, you know that panic attacks aren't real, right? They're just things that celebrities make up to-
David: No, I know. I thought so too, but they are real and I'm having one apparently.

Quote from David

David: I don't wanna have to bring this up, but it's my turn to take a selfish.
Alexis: No, David,
David: Yes, it is.
Alexis: You selfished last time.
David: No. Dubai, 2010, I had to pick you up from that blind date that went terribly wrong. It was a total disaster. It's my turn, and I wanna go to a yoga class.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Fine, I will go, but I am not happy about this at all.
David: Okay. Get off my bed.
Alexis: Ouch, David. Ouch, David!

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Whoa, whoa, cubby, what's this? Who ordered cheese?
Moira: I- I asked for cheese.
Johnny: Oh no, no. No cheese. I don't think that's a good idea. What about the melon? You ordered melon?
Moira: No, I didn't.
Johnny: No, well, let's see, you know what? Looks a little soft. Why don't we eighty-six that plate.

Quote from Alexis

Twyla: Hey, you guys made it. Amazing. It's a pairs class, so partner up.
Alexis: Okay, well, I'm not touching you.
David: Well, I'm not touching you.

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: David, Hun. Come join me.
David: Oh, Jocelyn.
Jocelyn: Normally I do this with Roland, but he had a bad burrito so he's M.I.A.
David: Oh.
Jocelyn: Trust me, that's good news for everybody.
David: I'm sure it is.

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: Ted told me all about your nervous breakdown.
David: My- My what?
Jocelyn: I was at the cafe. He didn't mention any names, but when he said it was someone "precious," I knew.

Quote from David

David: It's just all these feelings of displacement, you know? Like I've- Yeah, I think I'm just having a very hard time adjusting to the overall aesthetic of the town.

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: Yeah, lots of talking. Lots of emoting. That's good, David.
David: Yeah.
Jocelyn: Um, have you tried sex?
David: Excuse me?
Jocelyn: Sex puts me right to sleep. You should have lots and lots of sex.
David: Ugh.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Moira? It's me.
Moira: [o.s.] Hi!
Johnny: You okay?
Moira: Yeah I blew it, Johnny. I blew it big time.
Johnny: Let me in, sweetheart.
Moira: Oh, I don't know how.
Johnny: There's a knob on the door.
Moira: No, I mean I don't know how to do this anymore! I'm no good!
Johnny: How did you open the door?
Moira: I threw a shoe. This wine is aw-ful! Give me another glass.

Quote from Johnny

Moira: No, John, I ruined it. I ruined everything.
Johnny: No, no, you didn't.
Moira: I did!
Johnny: No, sweetheart, I ruined everything. I ruined it.
Moira: You did. Why- Why did you ruin everything?
Johnny: Okay, well, let-let's not focus on me right now. The important thing is, you've gotta get back up and you've gotta get out there.

Quote from Johnny

Moira: Did I used to have a drinking problem?
Johnny: The point is, you can do this, Moira. You're radiant. You're beguiling. You're daytime television's brightest star! All you have to do is go out there and shine.
Moira: I'm gonna- I'm gonna fucking nail it.

Quote from Jocelyn

Twyla: And on a big inhale Identify any tension you may be holding. And on a big exhale, breathe it out.
Jocelyn: [breathing out] I burnt my sausage casserole.

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