Winston: Are you... are you serious?
Reagan: I mean, we're talking about a one-time thing and you can't get weird afterwards, but, yeah, I'm... down for, like, a fun half hour.
Nick: And you would be there?
Reagan: Yes.
Nick: You would physically be there?
Reagan: Yes.
Nick: Can it... be nice?
Reagan: Well, that's on you. Let me know by 9:00.
Nick: What if we die before then?
Reagan: There's not much I can do about that.

Reagan: I like that guy, really? Calls hand sanitizer "ham sanitizer."
Jess: He calls DNA "D and A."
Reagan: But he kisses you like a coal miner greeting his wife.
Jess: After a day in the caves. Did they go into caves?

Reagan: South-facing windows, a balcony, stainless steel appliances, and I'm guessing someone with extreme OCD that lives here to keep this place clean.
Schmidt: Hello, I'm Schmidt.
Reagan: You were a large child.
Nick: That's incredible.
Schmidt: Yes, I-I was obese.

Schmidt: Cece, y-you went to the MTV Beach House? Did you get to announce a video and then scream?
Cece: Actually, we both did.
Reagan: Yeah. And then we hooked up.
Cece: Yeah, that's true, too.
Schmidt: [moaning softly]
Reagan: Is he okay? It sounds like there's a dishwasher in his face.
Cece: I know, it's just, uh... he's just processing.

Nick: What a turn of events, the fact that you guys hooked up.
Reagan: You know, that was a big summer for me. Remember, I-I pierced my nose.
Cece: I know.
Reagan: I forgave my mom. I realized that I was bisexual. I mean, of course I went for you. I go nuts for big boobs. I'm a real melon-felon.
Cece: Oh, trust me, I remember. [laughs]
Reagan: [about Schmidt] I think he's having a seizure.
Cece: No, no. It's just that when he has to process a lot of emotions, sometimes he likes to do Nick Cannon's solo from Drumline.

Reagan: [to Nick] Okay. Just fix the shower. It needs to be in the center of the ceiling and water needs to come out of it. [to Winston] You have a cat, don't you?
Winston: How'd you know?
Reagan: It's very obvious.

Winston: I think what he's trying to say is, we want you to come live with us.
Schmidt: Yeah. That's right.
Reagan: I'm okay here. I actually worked it out so that I get to pick out a lobster to eat at the end of every week. It's a sick deal.
Schmidt: You know what's a sick deal? Friendship. [all groan]
Reagan: That's an unacceptable segue. I actually like being a loner. It means fewer people break into my hotel room.

Schmidt: Okay, well, if you're such a loner, then why did you help me with Cece?
Reagan: I don't know.
Schmidt: You could've left when I kicked you out. You could've left when you caught me beasting that hunk of cheese.
Reagan: That was disgusting.
Schmidt: But you stayed. Now I'm not leaving. And Cece's not leaving and Nick... Well, Nick physically can't leave. Winston's not leaving.
Winston: Hey, I'm Winston, by the way.
Schmidt: None of us are leaving until you agree to move in with us.
Reagan: This is actually the kindest, creepiest thing that a group of people I've only known for four hours has ever done for me. Ah, screw it. I'm gonna move in!

Reagan: Hey, Nick.
Nick: Got to get busy living or get busy dying. Heard.
Reagan: What are you doing?
Nick: What are you doing is the question. What are you doing?
Reagan: Were you just smelling my hair?
Nick: No. I'm just Nicky being Nicky.
Reagan: Sometimes I feel like you're in one of those weird man-dog body-switch movies.
Nick: You like those, too? Neither? [to Schmidt & Cece] It's a wig. [yelling] Doesn't make sense!

Reagan: So you all went through my room and you each have things that you would like to discuss. Is that correct?
Cece: That's true.
Schmidt: Yes.
Nick: Chicago.
Cece: So-- the money, the fake I.D.'s.
Reagan: I have fake I.D.'s because hospitals hate pharmaceutical reps and it gets me through the door. I carry Canadian cash because I do a lot of business there and I don't trust banks.
Nick: Who does?
Cece: Okay. All right, fine. What about this, though-- your son? He looks just like you.
Reagan: That is me.
Cece: [quietly] Wait. What?
Schmidt: Oof. Rough haircut.
Reagan: Oh, and if you found something in my room that kind of looks like a hollowed-out hand, that's a glove.