Elizabeth: You liar! Here's your pie! You broke my heart. Mail me my mouth guard.
Schmidt: [to Jess and Nick] In case you were wondering if Cece had Elizabeth's number, sh... she does. So, tough time in Schmidtsburg, wouldn't you say? Just a quick heads-up, Nick, Jess. I blame you for this whole thing.
Jess: You can't seriously-
Schmidt: I was going to fix it. I wasn't going to hurt anyone. But, since you took it upon yourself to hurt both of them, should it take me the rest of my life, I'm going to break the two of you up.
Jess: Bring it, Schmidt.
Nick: It's impossible. We're really strong.
Schmidt: It will be when you least expect it, which might be when you most expect it. It could actually be when you're watching the movie version of What to Expect When You're Expecting. Regardless... I... am coming... for you.

Nick: Hey, listen. What is that sound? Sounds like a gravel driveway in there.
Jess: Seventh grade. Pumping my fist too hard at a Weird Al show.

Jess: Hey, why don't we all go on a double date? What are you guys doing tonight?
Cece: Yeah.
Schmidt: Tonight?
Jess: Yeah.
Schmidt: Today's tonight?
Jess: Yeah.
Schmidt: Tonight meaning changes every day, doesn't it?
Jess: Come on, Schmidt.
Nick: I'm sure he's got other plans. You've got other plans, right?
Schmidt: Plans? Not me. I don't even I mean... Yeah!
Cece: What the hell is going on?
Schmidt: What? [sings] Double-double-double-double date! Rock, rock and roll.
Cece: I don't think I exactly understand the energy here, but yeah, I mean, it sounds great.

Jess: Well, Nick can talk to him.
Nick: No, I'm not gonna talk to him. I called that I wasn't gonna be involved; those calls have to be respected.
Jess: If you talk to him, I'll give you a treat.
Nick: Bedroom treat or kitchen treat?
Jess: [Southern accent] Oh, I'm just a country lawyer and I have a very, very itchy bra.
Nick: [Southern accent] Well, perhaps I can get underneath. I've got worker's hands.
Jess: It's very itchy in so many different little places.
Nick: Let me see.
Cece: You guys are being really, really gross right now.
Nick: I keep forgetting you're in here.

Cece: I think you made a really good point. Maybe he is just, like, really into me. I mean, he has, like, stepped up his bed game a lot. It is so not about him anymore.
Nick: That's disgusting. Let me know when that treat's gonna happen. And, Cece, I'm sorry about this, but I'm gonna stand up and you're gonna see my penis, and when I walk out, you're gonna see my butt. Let's do this.
Cece: Oh.

Nick: There's nothing you could say that I'd get mad at.
Schmidt: Oh... okay, um, I can do this. Do you know how I broke up with Elizabeth so that I could start dating Cece again?
Nick: Absolutely, and it was really hard for you.
Schmidt: Yeah, that actually never happened.
Nick: What do you mean?
Schmidt: I'm still dating Elizabeth.
Nick: What do you mean?
Schmidt: I'm dating both of them, and neither one of them knows it, and I feel terrible about it.
Nick: But Elizabeth is gone. [Schmidt shakes his head] What do you mean?
Schmidt: She's not gone.
Nick: So you broke up with Cece-
Schmidt: I didn't break up with either one of them.
Nick: What do you mean?
Schmidt: You process this however you need to process it. If you want to keep talking it out...

Nick: Which one are you dating?
Schmidt: Both.
Nick: Are you dating Cece?
Schmidt: I'm dating Cece.
Nick: Are you dating Elizabeth?
Schmidt: Yes.
Nick: How do you do that?
Schmidt: They made me choose.
Nick: You have to choose. You can't have both women.
Schmidt: What was I supposed to do?
Nick: What, you think you can have a bunch of wives?! You got one wife! This is the way the world works!
Schmidt: Why?!
Nick: I don't know.

Schmidt: But you know what? I just I want to thank you, though, just for being there for me and for listening to me.
Nick: No. I'm not listening to you and I'm not there for you.
Schmidt: Because now we're in this together.
Nick: We're not in this together and I'm not listening and I'm not being there, so just stop telling me things! What would you like me to do with this information?
Schmidt: Well, it really helped me to tell you. You should tell somebody, get it off your chest.
Nick: I can't.
Schmidt: You know what I mean?
Nick: Like who?
Schmidt: Well, certainly not Jess. [Nick gags] Don't ever tell Jess. [Nick gags again] The one person you can't tell is Jess. [Nick gags again]

Nick: [to the mirror] Okay, here's what it is. Just lie to her, Nick. It's a relationship men and women lie to each other all the time; it's what makes marriages work. Just lie- Oh, you can lie- Yes, I talked to Schmidt. Don't act like an alien; just lie to a woman. It's- Yeah, I talked to Schmidt. It's fine, it's not a big deal.

Jess: Hey, Nick. How was your day?
Nick: Nothing...
Jess: Why are you wearing a helmet?
Jess: Oh, hi. Don't tease me, Nick. Are we finally gonna do no-kiss sex? [Nick nods] Oh, yes.