Jess: That was amazing.
Nick: Jess, you know so many Spaceballs quotes.
Jess: They jam the radar with literal jam. [laughs] Oh, hey, did you ever talk to Schmidt? [Nick lowers the visor] What's going on, Nick? [Jess opens the visor]

Schmidt: Or you could really understand it emotionally from their point of view. You don't know. Maybe they had a tough childhood.
Cece: Turn the car around, Schmidt.
Schmidt: Maybe their mom's a lesbian. I don't know.

Hostess: All right, time's up. You got to get out of here.
Winston: Uh, th that's my friend. That's my friend. See? See? I told you all. Huh? I got friends. Everybody? Hmm? That's my friend right there. [applause]
Cece: Where the hell is Nick?! How did I even beat him here?!

Nick: Well, you got to go in there, and you got to face her.
Schmidt: Look, it's not about Cece. This is about the $12 valet.
Nick: It's $12 to...? One sec. [yells] Hey, it's self-park! The maroon car is self-park! [to Schmidt] It's an excessive amount of money.

Cece: Oh, Jess, I have something to tell you.
Jess: I have something to tell you!
Cece: What?
Nick: No, I have something I need to tell you. [Cece punches Nick in the nuts]
Jess: Oh, my God, what are you doing, Cece?!
Nick: [groaning] Why did you do that?! [Cece punches Nick again]
Jess: Cece.
Nick: [high-pitched screaming] You nipped the corner!
Schmidt: Wait, Cece. Uh, okay. Cece, he's not... I lied to you. I I've been cheating on on you with Elizabeth.
Winston: Uh, I hate to do this right now, but if we don't sit, we will lose this table.

Schmidt: Cece, I'm sor- I'm sorry. I don't I just Is there someplace maybe we could, uh, go talk?
Cece: Everybody knows anyway, Schmidt. Might as well just say it.
Schmidt: Oh, let's talk. Let's we this should be fine. I didn't want to hurt you. You have to know that I did not want to hurt you. Please, I- I'm begging you. If you take anything away from this, know that I did not want to hurt you. I didn't want to hurt anyone. Especially you. You have no idea what you mean to me. And I got caught up in this thing, and I used to be so fat. I mean, like truly gigantic. I mean, as big as as big as big as it gets. And now and now I'm not, and girls like me, and I don't I don't know how to do this. I got lost. And I'm sorry.
Cece: You're sorry? You didn't want to hurt anybody? That's the best you can do, Schmidt? Really? I don't know. I don't know you. Good-bye, Schmidt. [exits]
Schmidt: I'm just realizing that I don't have any cash on me. If anyone would be willing to loan me $12 for the valet, that would be greatly appreciated.

Nick: Look I'm here for you. There is nothing I know more than the fact that I want to be with you, Jess, okay? [they kiss] Unless we're driving.
Jess: You admitted to driving while legally blind!
Nick: No, because you're honestly the worst backseat... You're honestly telling me what to do the entire time!
Jess: Legally blind.
Nick: Whoever has the wheel controls the car!

Jess: The doctors say I might grow another 18 inches.
Nick: That's a different image of you, but I'm gonna get past that, and I'm past it.